And so it begins

Let's leave aside the fact that an overturned fuel tanker shut down I95 for more than four hours today, thus turning a quick trip for bloods and ultrasound into a more than six-hour ordeal.

Instead, let's talk about the results from those blood tests. My FSH level isn't good. 10.9. It was 7.4 before our last IVF, and I freaked out that THAT was high. Ah, to be young and naive again...

The message from the nurse provided cold comfort: "Your FSH did go up, but we're still going to go ahead."

Oh, gee, thanks. Now you've planted a seed in my head that you were contemplating canceling my cycle based on that number. Sh*t.

I mean, I guess this means it's good we just decided to go straight to IVF. No need to f*ck around with DIY cycles at 34 when your FSH level is borderline "diminished ovarian reserve."

I'm also now convinced I'm about to go into menopause. I assume this is a ridiculous fear. For the love of god, I'm only 34. But still.

Stories along the lines of "wow, only 10.9? Gee, that's lower than my 16-year-old niece with great eggs" or "10.9? Wow, we got 25 mature, healthy eggs with that fsh" welcome.

Do you want to hear the punchline? I had the makings of an entirely different post in my head before I got the call this afternoon. That post went like this: "Gee, if you had told me two years ago that an IVF cycle would feel like the more drama-free of the IVF or DIY cycles, I would have told you you were crazy. But going through the IVF motions feels remarkably comfortable and familiar..."

So much for drama-free, I guess. Fingers crossed that this isn't a sign of things to come. BCPs start tonight.

Winding up and down...

Every year, twice a year, I have to work to pull together a HUGE project. It's enormous and, while I have learned a lot and I guess it was gratifying at one point, now it's just a thorn in my side.

Anyhow, yesterday was the last one I'll ever have to run. The next one is in March and I'll be out of my job by then. HOORAY!

So, I feel like I'm in the home stretch of my job now. I have one or two medium sized projects to tie up before I leave, but they aren't that big a deal. Then I have to do the annual reviews and goal-setting for all of my direct reports, which will be a lot of work, but I'll feel good about. (I love my team and want to make sure I leave them well set up.)

Can I tell you how glad I am to be winding down?! I'm so sick of the hours I have to put in to all of this. I'm so looking forward to a holiday season with less drama and more kid fun.

But, while yesterday marked the beginning of the wind down from work, today marks the wind-up for IVF#2. AF arrived today, so I'll go in Monday for bloods and will start BCP then. Then I start stims on November 27, and we're off.

I am barely processing what I feel about all of this. I hope I'm not tempting fate. But, for better or worse, it feels a hell of a lot better than endless DIY cycles to me right now! (And, nobody tells fertiles that they're tempting fate by trying for kid #3 or 4 on their own! Damnit.)

It's funny, I feel, since we have two kids, oddly shy about doing IVF again. I feel there is this unspoken rule that doing IVF when you have no kids, or when you have one kid, is totally acceptable. But somehow that doing IVF with two kids is just greedy.

Who knows...maybe it is. But, I really hate the idea that I shouldn't be able to have a big family because we're fertility-challenged.

Who knows how I'll feel once it all gets going. If it doesn't work, this is really it for us. I don't want endless DIY, nor do I think we'll ever do another IVF. So, we'll just have to jump and see. That's life, I guess.

Here's to the tail end of 2009. November and December will be, if nothing else, very telling months.

A charmed life

First, it's funny. I read your comments on my last toddler sleep post and was like, "well, it certainly SOUNDS logical that I wouldn't undo 19 months of good sleep in one day, but..."

In the end, you were right. But it did take more discipline on my part than I was ready for. Monkey Girl just wanted me. She clings to me like you wouldn't believe before bed. She's not at all upset, she just wraps her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck and buries her face deep in my neck as I walk her upstairs for bed. And I have to admit, it's so cute I can hardly stand it. So, when she calls for me in the middle of the night, it's hard not to give in to the cuddle.

But, in the end, I resisted moving her permanently to sleeping on my chest. Though, as I see them both growing bigger and bigger everyday, it only going to get harder to resist. For me, that is. For them? Well, the relationship they have and the comfort they provide to each other is slowly going to give them the independence that I want them to have, but that's going to be bittersweet to watch develop.

*sigh*

In other cute twin news, remember when I mentioned that they were basically asking to nap back together in the same room? And remember when I was nervous that it might jeopardize their naps because they might wake each other up? Yeah, it turns out you should listen to their cute twinny instincts. They've never napped better than since we put them back together. They actually sleep better. Longer. And they wake up happier. Not the sad wake-ups they used to have. Now they chatter and laugh. It's so cute I can hardly stand it.

All of this is to say: I lead a charmed life.

It's funny. This blog really chronicles one of the saddest times of my life. (Yes, I realize that means I've had a very good life.) Knowing that I wanted more than anything to have a family, and facing the reality that it might not happen as I wish was so tough. And it brought out my sarcastic and cynical side. Sure, I'm not saying that side of me is buried deep or anything. It's pretty darned close to the surface. But, before infertility, I was genuinely happy. I loved my family and my friends and my work. Yes, I despised people who cut me off and then went 35 mph on I95, but who doesn't?

Infertility really brought out the worst in me. Well, I actually think it was infertility coupled with the job that I'm now leaving. Neither was life-affirming, to say the least. And, I swear I actually think I look WORSE because of all of it. I think the negativity has given me gray hair and a bad complexion.

And the thing is, I really lead a charmed life. Several months ago--well, to be honest, a few years ago--I started fantasizing about leaving my job. I just wanted to quit. It was making me miserable and taking me away from my Stickies. But how could I? I needed money and had devoted so much time to building my career. How could I walk away from it all?

And, the thing is, when I started thinking about leaving my job for something else, I figured I'd have to take a serious pay cut. And/or that I'd have to step way back.

And then this opportunity just fell into my lap. It's honestly better than I could have imagined for me and for us. It pays really well, gives me a senior, resume-building title, is part-time, and 100% remote.

It's just ridiculous, really, how lucky I am.

And yesterday, as I chased around the neighborhood after the cutest Tigger and Pooh you've ever seen in your life, I just started to cry. I was so overwhelmed...with happiness. I'm exactly where I want to me. Where I'm meant to be. Sure, it may not have been pretty how I got here, but I'm just so lucky to be here.

And while my infertile self might say--watch out! This is the point in the movie where the piano falls on your head!--I don't want to listen to that voice anymore. That voice certainly doesn't shield me from the piano. And it just makes me feel crappy, even on the days when no piano hits my head.

I don't really know what that means for this blog. For a while now, this has been the space where I've come back to bitch. And the thing is, I'm sure that's neither helpful for me nor interesting for you to read.

On the other hand, though, I can't really see me becoming a PollyAnna-esque blogger who tells stories of sunshine and roses. (I'm a New Yorker at heart, for the love of Peet.) So, I'm going to need to decide what's to become of this space. Should I blog about being a mom of twins? About the plight of the working (from home) mom? About...oh good lord, I don't even know what else. I'm sure I would talk at least a bit about my next IVF--for which I start BCPs in just over a week (!!!)--but even that seems like it doesn't deserve a whole blog. How much interesting will I have to say?

Either way, I'll give it some thought.

In the meantime, here are Tigger and Pooh, my daily reminders of what a charmed life I do lead.

Toddler sleep

So, I gave my notice at work. It went fine--my boss was perfectly pleasant about it. Asked if there was anything they could do to keep me, to which I said, "if there is, I can't imagine it."

We're working on a transition plan. One of the directors who reports to me will be taking over the team, which is great. She's wonderful and deserves it. I'm also starting to ramp up at my new job during the same transition period. So, my life is going to get slightly more complicated before it gets easier.

But, in the end, it should be worth it. I should be able to hobble together a more rational existence that involves fewer work hours and more time with my family. And maybe even some time for me. Hooray!

In other news, the stickies are sick. We've been so lucky. For almost the first 18 months of their life, we've had to deal with very few illnesses. Sure, they got a few colds, and yes they did get hoof and mouth disease once, which was no fun. (104 fever. I still can't believe it's "normal" for babies to get 104 fevers. It certainly felt like sweet potato was going to burst into flames when it happened.)

But, now they're in a Montessori school three mornings a week, so they're exposed to a lot more than they have been in the past. Sure, we knew when we signed them up that they'd basically have a cold for the entire year. What we didn't anticipate was that we'd be dealing with what they're predicting will be both the worst winter in 50 years AND the worst cold/flu season. Awesome.

So, both kiddos have had a pretty nasty cold for the better part of two weeks. They've been real troopers for the most part. Sweet Potato had a rough day or two and is on antibiotics for a slight ear infection. Monkey Girl seemed like she'd be clear of the worst of it, but now two crappy nights of sleep is suggesting otherwise.

And, as I struggled through a rough night last night and a sleepless nap, I came to the realization that I have, literally, no strategy to deal with a 19-month old with sleep challenges. We did some modified sleep training more than a year ago, and have had dreamy sleepers (pun intended) ever since.

But now? Well, Monkey Girl barely fell asleep last night. And only did after MUCH drama. And now we're staring down the barrel of a repeat performance. Last night I blamed it on not giving her pain killer before bed. Today? Well, I have no such excuse. Now I blame it on going in to get her last night. Twice. When there was really nothing wrong. And staying with her for a while. Then today we were at my in laws for my nephew's 1st birthday and we had a disastrous nap where I went in and let her sleep on top of me.

While it feels like I'm being helpful when I do things like that, I'm pretty sure it just sets us back in a very real way. And now, she's been struggling on and off for an hour and a half. I'm sure she's uncomfortable, but there is nothing left for me to do. We've soothed and comforted, given her pain killer. She's tired and she's sick. What she really needs right now is SLEEP.

Ugh. Poor little girl.

Thank god twins are completely immune to each other. Sweet Potato is in there as she struggles, sleeping away. I swear sometimes they're comforted by hearing the other one, because it lets them know they're in it together. It must be funny to be a twin.

In other news, now that I'm going to have (I hope) more free time, I need to meet some friends in this hamlet. Because we moved up here to be close to family, and because our lives have been sheer chaos for a while, we've really spent any extra time we've had with family. And I really haven't met anyone that I've really connected with. And now that I'll be working from home, well, I'm going to need to find a way to reverse that. Any good suggestions for meeting good people when you're a work-from-home mom?

I've also had a post percolating around in my head since last week's front-page New York Times article on fertility treatments and multiple births. More on that later because it definitely hit home when I saw it.

In the meantime, try to stay dry in what appears to be monsoon season in the Northeast.

Okay then, here we go...

Okay, first THANK YOU for the pep talks! It's SO helpful to get support from women that get the struggle.

I ended up not going down to talk to my boss last week, though. I was convinced by the chorus of people who told me to wait until I finished negotiations with the new job. So, I did wait.

I emailed a few times back and forth and then talked to the CFO today. In short, they gave me everything I asked for: title, upped the salary, benefits, transition period, and a partridge in a pear tree. They certainly made it awkward to say no, huh?

So, I'm going to talk to my boss tomorrow. At 2:00.

Holy Sh*t.

So yes, I'm just as nervous as I was to talk to my boss and to tell my team. Only potentially more so, because now I've had a full additional week of making long-term plans. And since my breakdown in my boss's office, he's been trying really hard to show he appreciates me.

Well, okay, he hasn't been trying THAT hard. But for him it's been a step up.

But, really, it's too little too late. And, frankly, there's probably nothing he could do. This opportunity is better than what I could have imagined when I started waxing poetic about having more flexibility and time with the kids. So, it's basically a done deal.

Oh, do you want to hear the punchline, though?

So, I canceled the meeting last week with my boss, which meant that I could keep the post-miscarriage follow-up appointment I had made with Smirky. So, hubby and I piled into the car on Thursday morning--and I stacked back-to-back conference calls for the trip down and back. Then, right around 10:15am, I ran headlong into a huge SUV going almost 30mph.

So the car is nearly totaled. And I never made it to Smirky's office.

Yeah. Talk about a sign of....something.

Then on Tuesday (Monday? I forget already.) AF came. No urban legend post-miscarriage, post-IVF pregnancy for us.

With all of this, I decided I was done--already--with OPKs and timed s*x. F*ck it. I don't want to be sucked into this nonsense, and I have enough of a track record to know where it's leading anyway. And, I mean, if I really want to have another baby, I should just start trying to have another baby the only way that's proven even remotely successful for us in the past.

So, I've booked an IVF cycle with Smirky. I start BCPs around November 10.

I know it's risky, but I'm in a risk-taking mood. I have one more IVF covered. And we'd feel so fortunate to have another baby. And I'm under no delusions that this will work. We got SO LUCKY our first IVF. I can only hope we'll get lucky again, but if it doesn't, at least I'll feel like we did what we could.

Yes, it means we'll have to have some uncomfortable conversations about how many embryos to transfer--assuming we're lucky enough to get that far with more than one--but I'm feeling like it's a risk I'm willing to take.

At least I think I am.

So, there you have it. A big week for Sticky: totaled car, new job, scheduled IVF.

Stay tuned for my next post. Who knows what's in store for us then!

I need a pep talk

It's one thing to wish for something. It's quite another to actually get it.

I got the job. The tentative offer came through today, we are just working through some salary/benefits questions before the deal is signed, sealed...

And so now the dull ache in the pit of my stomach grows. I switched around my schedule so I could go into the city to meet with my boss tomorrow. I wanted to tell him in quick order--before the offer was formal and official so I could still plausibly say: "I haven't accepted this and am not quite sure what to do, but wanted to tell you as soon as I could."

The lie is white--I didn't quite tell him RIGHT away, but let's call it close enough.

Can I tell you how STRESSED I am about possibly leaving my current job? I just don't actually know how it's going to work. I feel like I'm screwing them. I lead the biggest team in the organization and several things that are central to our operation. And my team is short-staffed as it is. And my boss (the CEO) is way overextended.

I get that that's not my problem and that they'd do what they need to do, but still. I feel super stressed about it.

There is a backstory that suggests I shouldn't care about all of that. My boss has done some pretty damn selfish things over the course of the past four years--things he actually readily admitted to in a coincidentally-timed meeting we had last week--but I can't help but care. I love my team, and I worry that they'll put this other woman--someone who I know I would NEVER work for myself because she's a bit of a tyrant--in charge of my team when I leave. And that stresses me out.

I still feel like I just need to do this. The job would be 75% time, which would basically mean I'd be cutting my hours in half because I'm currently working 50-65 hours/week (and this would be about 30). I'd be able to work from home 100% of the time--a double-edged sword, I'm sure, but a happy challenge compared to the ridiculous schedule we're trying to juggle right now. And I just kind of hate my job these days. Not all of the time, but a good part of it.

I am going in to have a conversation with my boss tomorrow. I'm not officially quitting, but putting it out there that I'm damn close. I dread this! But am hopeful that if I can get through it, it will be for the better.

So, yeah. I need a pep talk. Desperately!

On twins and napping

I haven't become fully immersed in the twin blogosphere, but because our very own Erin is a contributor, I do read "How Do You Do It" from time to time. It's definitely fun to read the exploits of other twin moms--other people who fundamentally get how challenging it can be to have two kids the same age. (And why it isn't exactly the same thing even as Irish Twins.)

It's also fun to read how other moms deal with some of the challenges of raising twins. How they get out of the house. (IF! they get out of the house--I don't know about any other twin moms, but it's still a three ring circus trying to get out of this house.) How they handle napping, sleeping, potty training, and on.

Anyhow, I was reading the other day and one mom was lamenting that her twins are voluntarily deciding to sleep in separate rooms. I totally get why she's sad about it.

It's funny, from the beginning, so many people questioned our sanity over the decision to put the Stickies in the same room. Why would we jeopardize their sleep and naps like that? Wouldn't it be so much easier to have them in separate rooms?

I can't say the decision was fully rational, but I was always hell-bent on keeping them together. I just thought it was better. I like the idea of room sharing in general, and for some reason with twins it just felt wrong to split them up.

Now that they're 18 months (tomorrow!) I can honestly say we're so happy that they sleep together. And they are so happy, too. They LOVE being together at night. They have a whole nighttime routine after we put them to bed--we can hear them giggling for a few minutes over the monitor before they doze off. And when Monkey Girl wakes up in the middle of the night (which thankfully rarely happens), I know she's comforted by having Sweet Potato there. (As evidenced by the time she woke up in the middle of the night and deliberately woke him up to have company. She literally cried and poked to wake him. As soon as he woke, she laid right back down and fell fast asleep. Cute, but poor little SP. It's hard being a twin sometimes, I guess.)

Good lord, I'm rambling.

Anyhow, for naps they haven't been sleeping together for a while. SP dropped his nap at 10 months (!!!) and was down to one nap a day since then. MG was NOWHERE NEAR ready to go down to one nap a day at that point. So, they slept separately because they were on two different schedules. That was until June (at 15 months) when we decided to push MG onto the one nap a day schedule. (It was literally impossible to go anywhere when they were on separate schedules--there was a baby asleep from 9am until literally 4pm everyday. It was ridiculous.)

But, as we were transitioning her to the one nap a day schedule, we still napped them separately because during their transition, their naps started to blend. So MG napped in the nursery and SP in the pack-n-play in the guest room. And it seemed to be going pretty well--one would typically cry out for a minute mid-nap or wake up earlier--so we just kept it. Why fix what ain't broken.

Then, over the past few weeks, a few things have happened. First, they wake up within seconds of each other on most days. (It's actually incredible; it's like they have sonar. They aren't even on the same floor so couldn't possible hear each other!) Second, lately as we've been putting them down, they've basically started asking to sleep together. SP points to his crib and wants to get in. And MG points to his crib because she wants him there. (It's awfully cute, actually. I'll ask MG: "Do you want SP to sleep here today?" "Yes! Yes!" she'll say.)

So, today, we finally gave in. SP hasn't been sleeping as well in the PNP anymore, and truthfully I'm just really glad they are comforted by each other and actually want to sleep in the same room. It's very sweet.

Of course, if they start waking each other after 30 minutes, I might be singing a different tune, but for now, assuming it isn't a total disaster, it seems worth it.

Fingers crossed!