Monday, December 11, 2006

A little something about me

I guess it's customary to give some context to a new blog by giving a short personal history. In a nutshell, I am a 31-year old woman who recently moved to back New England from Washington, DC, where I had been living since the day after college graduation. I have a wonderfully giving and patient husband, an adorable, fluffy, and well-behaved dog, a nice house on a quiet street, a good job, and a loving family. I am extremely lucky.

This year, however, has been a tough one for my hubby and me. We closed on our new house in late January, got pregnant in March, had a miscarriage in April--the same month we got a dog that had to be almost immediately put to sleep (long story!). My father was diagnosed with prostate cancer in August. And, we are now 9-months post-miscarriage with no hope of a baby in sight. Needless to say, I'm beginning to lose my sense of humor about the whole thing.

I guess the purpose of this blog is really to give me an outlet to "talk" about my fertility issues. As anyone who's had difficulty conceiving or staying pregnant knows, it's just not the kind of thing you want to talk with just anybody about. Mostly, I don't want people to know that we're having trouble because I don't want the syrupy false sympathy or pity. (I am an extremely strong-willed, independent woman, and just about the worst thing you can do is feel sorry for me.)

The other tricky thing is that I know I do not yet have the infertility issues that many have struggled with, so I feel guilty getting as down as I do. We got pregnant in just under a year the first time. Unfortunately, now that I'm 9-months post-miscarriage with no positive HPT, I'm beginning to realize that for us the consequence of a miscarriage is another LONG stretch of pregnancy-free living.

And, of course, like all other fertility-challenged couples, I feel like the only fertility treatment anyone else needs is to just stand near us. I swear it seem like everyone we know gets pregnant by looking at each other. My cousin got pregnant the MONTH her husband's vasectomy was reversed. My best friend from college has two children under 2--the second of which she conceived so quickly they couldn't really figure out what the due date was at first (since she had barely had a normal period after her first). Another friend explained to me that the secret to getting pregnant was charting your temperature for three months before you wanted to conceive, because that would tell you the right day to have sex. Have sex that day and, poof! insta-child.

Needless to say, we've gotten to the point where we've exhausted all of the "normal" things that are in our control. I've temped and charted, used OPK, had sex everyday during my fertile period, every other day, twice a day. We've gotten the most basic fertility testing--all of which seems to be "normal." I appear to ovulate every month, my luteal phase seems to be fine. I just can't seem to get and stay pregnant. I've had one confirmed miscarriage, and two suspected chemical pregnancies. I've cut down or cut out my two favorite things: caffeine and my one glass of red wine a day. We take two daily relaxing walks. We're eating healthy. We're drinking green tea. We're taking our vitamins. We're running out of ideas...

So, now, in the spirit of the holiday season, hubby and I have one simple Christmas wish: a bun in the oven. Only this time, we're hoping it will stick.

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