Sunday, December 17, 2006

Unwelcome predictability

One thing that it's probably important that you know about me is that I'm essentially a control freak at heart. I haven't always been this way--I can remember being young, fearless, and carefree. But, as I've gotten older and gotten control over a greater number of aspects of my life (driving myself, paying my bills, getting my own job, etc., etc.), I've come to realize that I am. I like to know what's going to happen next; I'm a planner. I was one of those 20-somethings who dated, but very rarely had what she would call a boyfriend, so I prided myself on doing for myself. When I got a flat tire, I changed it myself. I had my own power tools. I moved heavy furniture on my own (or with my best friend--another independent single 20-something). I came to realize in my 20s that I was in control of my own fate, so I stopped waiting around. I took control of my career and my life, and I realized that I was pretty good at taking control.

So, you'd think that when my body acts exactly on schedule, I'd like it. Nope. Like all aspects of my own sub-fertility, I hate it. I posted yesterday that my temp dropped precipitously. So, right on schedule, AF reared her ugly head this morning. Just as I predicted. Of course, yesterday I was trying to run every possible (though mathematically improbable) pregnancy scenario through my head: maybe it's a late implantation dip? Maybe I was sleeping with my mouth open? Maybe I took my temperature wrong (??). But, on schedule, my temp dropped again, and thar she was.

So, no Christmas sticky bun. And, now we really really must face the almost inevitable proposition that there is something clinical causing my subfertility. I was actually hoping there wasn't. I was sort of hoping that it was just that I was stressed, and if I only did cut out the caffiene, wine, and just generally got more zen, a baby would result. Even though I hated all of the "just relax" and "it will happen when you least expect it" comments, I was hoping they were true, and that I'd surprise myself not with AF this morning, but with a positive pregnancy test.

Sidebar: The "it will happen when you least expect it" are my favorite comments these days for a couple of reasons, but mainly because we're actively trying to have a baby. So, while I will fall right out of my chair if I ever again see a positive pregnancy test, it won't be because I was chilling out and forgetting about it.

So, we have our appointment on Friday with our less-than-friendly RE. I've been charting since the first time we met him, so I'll be able to bring the last 4-5 months worth of charts--charts that I think suggest that I do in fact have some sort of luteal phase defect. (PS--if that's what I have, and I take progesterone and get pregnant and live happily ever after, I'll be ecstatic, to be sure, but I'll also be more than a little pissed for putting off the follow-up appointment for 4 months.) To say the least, I'm really not looking forward to whatever the next round of tests is. I really, really wanted to go the low-tech route, and I'm not happy about looking towards expensive treatments and tests. And, I'm not looking forward to becoming a human pincushion again. But, as a control freak planner, I guess I can no longer sit idly by and watch AF crash my TTC party every 24-26 days.

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