Monday, January 29, 2007

And now for something completely different...

So, I spent the first part of the day yesterday with my friends and their two little girls, and the afternoon at my in-laws with my two pregnant sisters-in-law. Then, I spent about two hours trying to make heads-or-tails of why I get irrationally angry at things for which there is no justification to be angry. I know this has been the theme of more than one post—and I’ve no doubt that it’ll be the theme of many others—but all I can say is that this whole trying-and-failing-to-get-and-stay-pregnant bit has really turned me into a much more bitter person than I once was. Last night I just felt like stomping my feet and crying and screaming about how unfair it all is.

And it really is. It’s unfair that my friends have had two kids in the time is taken us to try for one…and we’re still not even pregnant. It’s unfair that IF has taken the wonder and excitement out of this whole process for hubby and me. It’s unfair that it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even see us decorating a nursery or holding a child of our own. It’s unfair that we were supposed to be going through the pregnancy and childbirth and midnight feedings at the same time as our friends, but instead their kids will be well past that by the time we ever have a family. It’s unfair that everything about hubby and me appears to be “textbook,” and yet we can’t seem to get pregnant. It’s unfair that my neighbor had a baby on what would have been our “due date” and I had to walk past a giant inflatable stork on their front yard every day for the month after our due date. It’s unfair that, had things worked out, we would have had our first baby before Christmas, but instead I was able to drink champagne at midnight on New Year’s. It’s unfair that we wanted to have 3 kids, and were really hoping to have them before we’re 35, and that now, absent multiple births, that is a mathematical impossibility. It’s unfair that my parents are getting older, and I worry that it’s going to take us so long that our kids won’t have the benefit of a long relationship with them. It’s unfair that I don’t know a single other person who is going through the same thing right now, and who I can grab a drink with and commiserate with after work. And, it’s unfair that after months and months of keeping our spirits up post-miscarriage, IF has hung around just long enough to make me this bitter and cynical about the whole process.

But, most of all, it’s unfair that it doesn’t seem like I can do anything about this. We’re supposed to start Clo*mid next cycle, but we can’t decide whether to delay it another month or two. There doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with us, so odds are supposed to be that we’ll get pregnant on our own. And, I hate taking medication of any kind—I don’t even like to take Ty*lenol unless I really have to. So, it sort of seems like a cruel twist of fate that I have to take pills to get pregnant. (And an even crueler twist that it might not work.) But, it’s getting to the point where I can’t watch cycle after cycle go by without doing anything. It’s just way too painful for both hubby and me. So, I think we’ll have to suck it up and start the drugs. And just *hope*.

1 comment:

theoneliner said...

clomid works for lots of people. and it does suck having to take something but *when* you're holding your little one...you won't care how you got there.