Friday, January 26, 2007

Help (not) wanted

So last week a friend of mine was in town from DC. She’s a friend from grad school, and our lives have always sort of run on oddly parallel tracks, and we’ve always been able to commiserate about it. We were in grad school together, and got similar jobs afterwards that we weren’t quite passionate about. We switched jobs at the same time more than once. We got married within a month of each other, so were able to complain about mothers-in-law together, and laugh about why on earth when you give people a list of what you actually want as a gift do they insist on buying you something awful from QVC. When we were both getting close to start trying to get preggers, we talked about that, too. And, while we started a few months before she and her husband did, it was close enough that we were still able to commiserate about that, too. But, of course, as luck would have it, she got pregnant after only four months. I have to be honest that it was hard to hear. She was the only one of my friends who had had what seemed like any “trouble” getting pregnant, and she was just about the only person I talked to about it. But, because we always had similar outlooks on things, while it was hard, I was really happy for her and thought it wouldn’t be hard to talk to her about our issues.

Turns out, I was wrong. We got together for lunch on Friday and she asked how things were going with us. I couldn’t get three words out before she started trying to give me advice. “Well, you know what really worked for us, taking your temperature. Have you been doing that?” Yes, yes. I did that for the four months in between my first and most recent RE appointment. “Oh, and the other things, having s*ex every other day really worked. You should really try that.” Yes, thanks. We’ve done that. And everyday. And mornings rather than evenings. Trust me, I’ve been at this for over a year. “Oh, and you know, I know this sounds strange, but I really think that just being around kids is helpful. For me, I started to spend more time around kids the month I got pregnant. I really think it brought out my maternal side.” Um, yeah. First, my office is in a school, and I am in and out of our other schools all the time. Oh, and my cousin and close friends here in our new hometown all have kids. Multiple kids. So, I’m with them all the time as well. So, I’m fairly certain the problem doesn’t have anything to do with not spending enough time around kids.

Then, I think she could tell that I was getting a little exasperated and she said to me, “I just really want to help you.”

First, I don’t remember asking for help, with all due respect. Second, apart from growing a pair and screwing me yourself, I’m not sure you’ll be able to help. Plus, given that we have a competent RE at one of the top fertility centers on the case, I’m not certain there’s much value you can add in the way of new information.

I don't mean to say that the lunch was a total bust. It was really good to see her…but it served as another reminder of how IF takes away not just your ability to have kids, but also your ability to keep a sense of humor. And, it slips its way uninvited into lots of other areas of your life. My friendships mean the world to me, and even the subtle impact it’s been having on them is just really upsetting. Again, humpf.

1 comment:

theoneliner said...

oh good grief. does she not know that people who can't seem to get PG are actaully experts at it. bc we want it so bad and we are so willing to do whatever it takes.

maybe you sat have spat in her water when she left the table?

no, i'd guess that'd be mean. but it sure would feel good, n'est pas?