Thursday, February 01, 2007

hope...

"Hope? Let me tell you something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. It's got no use on the inside. You'd better get used to that idea."
-- The Shawshank Redemption

Once you get in the habit of reading multiple infertility blogs, you begin to see themes and patterns. I think that’s why it’s so reassuring for someone going through IF to read infertility blogs—because it’s comforting to know that you’re not the only one going through what you’re going through, and feeling what you’re feeling. It’s comforting to be able to hear someone say—and mean—“I totally know how you feel!”

And, because I've been lurking around IF blogs for a while now, I've read my fair share of posts that deal with the issue of "hope" and infertility. No matter how many battle scars you bear, no matter how long you’ve been at this, every now and again hope rears her ugly head. I suppose that’s why we haven’t given up yet; and I suspect that when hope leaves the reservation for good is when most of us will throw in the towel. Until then, though, we all have this unhappy push-pull with hope. We curse ourselves for being so na├»ve as to let her in, but let her in we do. We think, “maybe this month…maybe because I’ve been trying for so long, or maybe because I’m least expecting it, or maybe because it’s just about my time in the sun.” Of course, while it’s hope that keeps us trekking along on this journey, she’s also what makes it so unbearable when AF rears her ugly head every month. It’s not like we weren’t expecting her, it’s just that we *hoped* she wouldn’t come.

This month, I'm just under a week away from d-day and I can already feel hope eeking her way in. I can feel myself starting to think, "hmm...my breasts are sore, and just maybe I will be one of those people that gets a lucky burst of fertility the month of her HSG..." On the other hand, I have gotten more cynical than ever lately...Time will tell, I suppose.

In other news, my younger sister-in-law had a miscarriage on Monday. I could not feel more awful for her. While I was certainly having a hard time dealing with our infertility faced with two sister-in-law pregnancies, I would NEVER ever wish this on anyone. She was so excited to be pregnant, and I know she and her husband are going to be wonderful parents. Nobody should have to deal with miscarriage and infertility. Nobody. It's just so unfair.

1 comment:

serenity said...

Yes, but also in that movie...

"Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things."

I will be hoping that this is your cycle.

And I am so sorry to hear about your sister in law. Hugs and love to her. :(