Monday, February 19, 2007

How do you make God laugh?

One of my favorite B-grade films is the 1995 "Kicking and Screaming." (Not the horrible 2005 movie about soccer, which I haven't actually seen, but can only assume is decidedly unfunny.) The movie follows a small group of college friends from graduation night through the year after college. It's a mid-90s Gen-X comedy/drama. At its core, though, the film is about the general malaise you feel when you're in an "in-between" time in life.

In the movie, the characters are caught somewhere between college, which they can't quite escape, and the "real world," which they can't/don't want to embrace. While that's certainly not where I am right now, I can't help but relate to their "we're just waiting for 'real life' to begin" angst. Even though I want to move on to the next phase in our life, I can't. (Literally.) And, because we can't, we don't know what to do.

I really feel caught.

Thankfully, Hubby's being great. He will be supportive either way, but is basically saying, "let's not try to plan around this anymore. Do what's right for your career. We'll make the family thing work whenever it does happen."

He's right, of course. Which brings me back to my favorite quote from "Kicking and Screaming." When talking to the main character, Grover, who is wondering what the "right" next move is for him in his relationship, Chet (the 10th-year-senior/bartender who has no aspirations beyond what he's doing right now) asks, "How do you make God laugh? ... Make a plan."

Of course, I see Chet's wisdom. And yet, I'm way too type A to really let go. I play and replay every scenario in my head. What if I take the more time consuming/less flexible job and we get pregnant at exactly the wrong time and it really screws things up? What if I don't take the job and it takes us another year or, god forbid longer, to even get pregnant.

So, what to do? I'm sure we'll wait until we get the results from this IUI cycle before I commit one way or another...which is silly, really, because even if the answer weren't as clear as day already (which I think it is), it doesn't make the decision any easier. Knowing myself, I'm going to take it. I'm 31, and don't think I'm ready to make a decision to put the brakes on my career (a little bit) because it would be easier.

Of course, would I feel different if I was pregnant?

And so it goes...

1 comment:

Doug Manning said...

Perhaps you need to look at planning differently. Here's what meryl Streep's character had to say about plans/purpose in the 2002 film, Adaptation, "There are too many ideas and too many people and too many directions to go. The reason it matters to care passionately about something is that it whittles the world down to a more manageable size."