Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Déjà vu all over again

One year ago this month, hubby and I got pregnant for the first and only time. We had been trying for just under a year, and this was our second cycle since closing on our new house.

It was a strange experience from the beginning, though. First, I had already written the cycle off. I had gotten what I thought was AF. I was sad when she came, but thought, okay, we’re getting close to the year mark, I really need to start being more proactive. I bought the Cl*earBl*ue fert*ility monitor and it was coming in the mail. And I bought a bunch of OPKs in case the monitor didn’t come in time for the cycle.

And, for reasons I still can’t fully explain, I bought one HPT.

One week after what I thought was AF, I took both an OPK and an HPT. Both came back positive. I was shocked and confused and ecstatic all at once. We called a doctor—not our doctor, because we actually didn’t even have one yet in our new place. I explained to them that I got a BFP today, but had been bleeding before, so was confused and concerned. They saw me the same day for a blood draw and ultrasound, which was wonderful.

Nothing showed up on the ultrasound, which the doctor explained was perfectly normal; I was only around 5 weeks, and we wouldn’t expect to see anything until about 6. We got our first beta—121. We took our second two days later and it was 544. Hurrah! We were actually pregnant and everything seemed to be doubling as it should. I had no reason to expect anything but 9 months followed by the birth of a healthy baby in early December.

Later that week, I started spotting. Not much, just a little. Then a little more.

I called the doctor, and he said there was nothing we could really do; we just needed to wait until the ultrasound and see what happened.

He could tell almost immediately that that wasn’t the right answer for me. I need to do something. Anything. But, I couldn’t just sit idly by and wait. So, he suggested another beta.

It came back around 120.

Hubby and I were devastated, but optimistic. We had at least gotten pregnant. Early miscarriages happen all the time. We’d get pregnant again. And, we’d be at least well on our way to having a baby by the time early December rolled around.

I was really good at keeping that optimistic outlook for a good long while. Until at least New Year’s. To be sure, every month that went by was hard—and they got harder and harder. By August we made our first appointment with our RE, and he said nothing appeared to be wrong. We just had to be patient.

So we were.

December was the hardest month for me. Every month that went by before that I just kept saying, “as long as I’m pregnant by Christmas, this will all be okay. It will have taken a while, and that will have been hard, but as long as I don’t have to face our due date and the holidays with BFN after BFN, it’ll all be fine.

Obviously, in December we weren’t pregnant. And, to make matters worse, a neighbor of ours had her baby on our exact “due date,” December 4. To celebrate, they put a giant inflatable light-up stork in their front yard, and I had to walk by it everyday for a month when I walked my dog. I always felt like it was mocking me, and I joked to my friends that the neighbors were going to find its giant blue and white carcass on their front steps if it wasn’t taken down by New Years.

So, now, here we are. It’s been 15 cycles and one full year since our last pregnancy. I’m much more cynical and jaded than I was last March. And I hate that that’s what IF has done to me. Last march, we were so optimistic and hopeful. And, now, like the blue and white stork, I feel like hope is mocking me. And I wonder: if we do get pregnant, will it lead to another heartbreaking spring? Or, if we don’t get pregnant, how will I feel this December when, a year older and even more cynical, we still have no baby to celebrate?


Adrienne said...

IF sucks away hope and makes us cynical. As if not having a baby weren't hard enough.

I hope this year is different for you. I hope this year YOU are the one putting that big inflatable stork in your yard. Take care.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if I've commented here before. Sometimes I just travel from blog to blog to blog, but I'll keep track of yours from now on. These anniversaries suck. Ugh. Oh, your neighbor's stork just broke my heart. Our anniversary is Dec 1st (near yours but a year before!) Jenn1fer g@rner and ben @ff1eck had their cutie munchkin on our due date. So sometimes seeing them in the tabloids reminds me of everything (not nearly the same as a humongous ST0RK!) I no longer bawl hysterically, thank goodness. Sometimes I look at the time that has passed since the last pgcy, and it gets me down too. I truly wish that this is your year!

Sarah said...

oh gosh, i hate those feelings. we all totally understand how you feel. i'm so sorry you have them too. for me, after a while, the cynicism won and the hurt lessened a bit. but i hope you never get there. i hope your IF journey ends soon.

Anns said...

Just so you don't feel "weird" I think we all lump that HPT into the OPK purchase...just in case... I bought 3 coz I know myself, I'll pee on anything that might give me some good news.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you this year... these anniversaries suck.

PS: I hate your neighbor
Anns xo

Tam said...

Hey there, I am so sorry that you've had to travel this road, i'm sorry for all of us. I am praying that at least if your baby is not here by December that you be pregnant, I pray the same for me every year, just please God, let me be pregnant by christmas...if I am not, it will be the 3rd christmas since we started trying. I wish that this was easier that we didn't get more cynical as time goes on but we will get there...soon sweetie. Oh and just so you know, I would have made that stork dissapear!!

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry about your "anniversary". Certainly not one you want to celebrate when you have nothing to show for it.

Holidays are always the hardest for me too. This past Christmas, I really thought I'd at least be pregnant and instead, I spent it around my niece and nephew and cousins that made my baby fever burn that much hotter. I just kept thinking that I should have a baby right now too, watching him or her unwrap presents for the first time and seeing that "baby's 1st christmas" ornament hanging from our tree. That stupid stork was just icing on the cake. I would have wanted to pull a Chevy Chase on it and punch it right in the nose a la National Lampoon's Vacation.

I really pray that you will have your bundle of joy or that beautiful baby bump this year in time for the holidays. XOXO

Bumble said...

WOW, your story is soooooo similar to mine. Its like you were writing about me. I'm so sorry for your loss, I KNOW how shit it is. I also started spotting around 5 weeks. I also had a drastically dropping beta (from 98 to 16). I also had close friends give birth on our due date. I also had hope it would happen again soon but it hasn't for me either. I really know how you feel, and so I'm sending you a big hug. I hope you get your baby really soon x