Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Hope...she's a tricky mistress

One thing that I should have made clear yesterday--which probably goes without saying--is that I'll take *any* positive pregnancy test (that sticks). Bring on the twins! Or the triplets! (Although the idea, however remote, of triplets does scare the bejeezes out of me. I mean, they outnumber you. Right out of the gate! And, where does the third one go at feeding time? It's all quite terrifying.) But, of course, given our track record, I'll take it. Any of it.

And, actually, all these thoughts of triplet boys brings up another point: That I'm even joking about triplet boys again shows that hope has crept back in. I try to beat her down...mostly because I don't like to feel foolish and disappointed every CD1. But, with my lining looking as promising as it did, and the follicles maturing right on schedule, it seems like we've got as good a chance as any to get the elusive second line.

Of course, since we're unexplained, I suppose you could argue that we always have a decent chance...a lot of good that's done us so far...

But, back to hope. I was catching up on some of my blog reading, and I was really struck by what Serenity Now! posted yesterday. Essentially, she's let herself daydream and hope again this cycle. And she's terrified of it. And, I so feel that. So far, things look reasonably promising this cycle. And so I desperately want to think of decorating a nursery or telling my parents or taking maternity leave. (And not just because I also desperately need a vacation.)

But, I always worry that if I let myself think good thoughts, I'll just have farther to fall when (if?) AF comes to town.

All this, and I'm ONE DAY post IUI. ONE DAY! I still have THIRTEEN to go.

This is going to be one long-ass 2ww...

6 comments:

Sarah said...

i hope the next 13 days FLY by. and i think it's wonderful that you've had enough good news this cycle to let hope creep in. i totally understand the fear, but we get enough bad news. we deserve to feel good about things when they're going well.

Baby Blues said...

Hope is a tricky mistress but she definitely helps us carry on. I hope your 2ww passes by fast and ends with wonderful news!

Tam said...

Oh Hope...what do we have if we don't have hope?? You have great chance this cycle, as good a chance as any! I'm really praying that this is it for you, hopefully those 13 days fly by...I'll be starting my next cycle in about 13 days...can't wait either!!

Reproductive Jeans said...

Came over to you from Tam's blog--wishing you the best of luck! We have our first IUI at the end of the month! And I hope that the next 13 days are quick days! I'll be checking back!

LJ said...

Oh, good luck!

I've written about hope before. You want it, but you don't trust it, but you need to have it, but you feel guilty about it.

Blog it out baby! We're here for you!

Mands said...

I am 1 DPO as well, (IUI 3) so I guess we'll be travelling partners!
Thats the beautiful nature of IF's, no matter how battered we become, we still find the courage to hope.