Wednesday, April 25, 2007


As I mentioned, yesterday was our three-year anniversary. (And thank you for your well-wishes! I really appreciate it!)

It was a beautiful day, so we took the day off and went wine tasting along the New England coast. (I think you can all appreciate how bittersweet it was for me to be able to do that.) We had fun, and I was mostly able to muster up the energy to get positive and focus on what the day should be about: me and hubby and how lucky we are.

And we are. I was never a believer in soul mates before hubby—sure I believed in love, but I didn’t feel that there was that one perfect person out there. I thought that “true love” boiled down to a combination of timing and circumstances. That’s not to say that I thought people who got married weren’t in love. Quite the contrary. But, I had dated people I cared about in the past and wondered, “if we had met later, when I was ready to make a commitment, would he have been the one? Does marriage on some level come down to timing?”

Then I met hubby. And he made me throw my cynical, practical notions of love right out the window…right from the start. He’s not at all who I thought I’d end up with. And yet, he’s the perfect match for my soul. We compliment each other in the most beautiful and unexpected ways. And I really can’t imagine fitting together with another person the way I fit together with hubby.

But, while we did have a good time yesterday, there was definitely an air of melancholy that permeated the day. While it was great to celebrate us and be together, it was also hard because we always thought that by our third anniversary we’d be starting to think about having a second child, not still trying for our first.

And, while I know by now—and all too well—that you can’t plan these things, that wisdom (ha!) doesn’t make it any easier. And these milestones—birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc.—end up serving as a reminder of what we don’t have, and of all of the heartbreaking months that have passed us by.

To make matters worse, I’m beginning to feel like there is no end in sight to this IF nightmare. Every passing month, I lose another piece of the vision of our family. And every month, the “end goal” seems farther and farther away. And while I’m really trying to stay positive—for this cycle and for what comes next—I’m also just sick of trying. Sick of trying to get pregnant; of trying to keep my head up; of trying to remain hopeful; of trying to figure out what the hell is actually wrong with us that’s keeping us from having a family of our own.

Thankfully—and going back to the point about hubby complementing me really well—hubby is optimistic about this cycle. I don’t know how he does it, staying optimistic month after month, but I’m glad one of us is.*

And, of course, I won’t stop trying. I’ll still try to muster up the courage to feel positive about this cycle, and I’m nowhere near stopping this journey to parenthood. And, most of all, I'll do my best to remain hopeful that one day very soon we’ll be able to pass one of these milestones with the joy of knowing that we’re on our way to being parents.

*(btw—it doesn’t help that I feel guilty for being negative. All of those “power of positive thinking” people out there have crept into my subconscious and make me feel like I have to be a Pollyanna to get pregnant. As if positive thinking will magically make fertilization and implantation happen. Bastards.)


Rachel said...

I totally understand what you mean when you say it feels like IF will have no end. It's impossible to get away from it. And the cycle of feeling bad and then feeling bad that you're feeling bad, which makes you feel even worse is never ending. We have to find good things to do to take our minds off of it, and it sounds like your dinner with hubby was perfect.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

IF will end someday. The scars may always be there, but there will be a resolution. It doesn't always feel that way. Believe me I know, but you will get through this. And it sounds like you have a wonderful man who will always be there. Keep your chin up my dear. xx

Kristen said...

I love hearing about how people meet and fall in love. I never thought I'd end up with someone who understands me like my husband and yet I have been fortunate in that aspect. IF is another story.

It is definitely a terrible cycle of emotions we go through month after month. Some times are better than others. I feel like I have so much to be thankful for and yet this empty hole exists for the love of an unborn child. That is why we have to lean on each other when we're feeling down. Here's to the last "childless" anniversary you'll have to have. xoxo

Sarah said...

do not listen to those power of positive thinking people. if thinking positive feels right and makes the process easier, all the better. but personally i resent the implication that if thinking positive is necessary, then it is somehow my fault if it doesn't work. my infertility is not all in my head! likewise, my pregnancy has nothing to do with my mental outlook. it happened in spite of very low expectations and a total inability to believe anymore that it would ever happen. the last thing you need is another reason to feel bad about infertility, so i hope you can cut yourself some slack.

happy belated anniversary!

Becks said...

I am glad you had a nice time with hubby. I know what you mean about drinking - its a very small consolation, one that we'd trade in a heartbeat for a real heartbeat.
Try not to be too down, you're always positive with me! I know its just so much easier to do it for other people rather than yourself.

Thinking of you x

Baby Blues said...

We're celebrating our third year wedding anniversary this year too. Time flies when you're having fun!
When it comes to IF, I'm Ms. Negative and he's Mr. Postive too. Opposites do attract. I can't imagine going through this IF journey without Mr. Kite. He's my strength.
I believe you'll get through this. We all will. Somehow. Someday.

Reproductive Jeans said...

IF to me seems never ending on many days--it gets overwhelming to think about the "big black whole" but there will be an end...I still believe, as I know you do. We all have our negative days--and its great that you have a great support system in your husband! Glad you got to enjoy some wine (even tho it was bittersweet).