Thursday, April 05, 2007

Missing those carefree pre-infertile days...

One of the questions from Sarah’s shuffle game was “would you really want to go back to be the person you were before you ever thought about infertility.”

I guess the mature answer would be, no. Through adversity, I’ve learned about myself and about hubby, our bond has grown stronger, and we’ll be all the more appreciative when we are finally blessed with a child.

But, let’s face it, I’m not all that mature (hence the rollerblading—I apparently think I’m still a teenager). Sure, all those things are true: I have learned a lot, hubby and I have been brought closer in a way you only can when things aren’t all sunshine and roses, and I will certainly be appreciative if we are ever blessed with a child. But, I can’t say that I’m thrilled with learning the painful but important lesson that, sometimes, life is just unfair. To be sure, it’s more unfair to more people who have gone through or are going through worse than I, but having any taste of the unfairness just reminds me that, not only are things not great right now, but they could get much, much worse.

(I told you that optimism from the other day was transient.)

What’s bringing all of this on? Well, I’m down in DC for the long weekend. Hubby has a conference, and since I desperately need a day off and desperately miss all of my DC haunts and DC friends, I decided to come along for the ride. And, I’m having a great time (and I haven’t even been here for 24 hours yet), and I really do miss it.

What I can’t figure out is what I miss more: DC and my friends, or my pre-infertile self. You see, part of the reason hubby and I moved up to New England from DC (after I had lived here for 9 years and really did feel that it was my home) was that we were ready to start a family (and had in fact already started trying). And, both of our parents and the bulk or our family is in the tri-state/New England area. So, we thought that having kids up there would be ideal. They would be near the grandparents, and they would know their cousins, and we would be able to afford an actual house with room for a swing set, and all would be right with the world.

Unfortunately, we never realized how hard having said child would be. It honestly never occurred to us that a year and a half after taking my job, we’d STILL not even be pregnant.

And, it’s hard. Here in DC, only one of our friends has kids. The rest are either single, engaged, or married with no kids. So, coming back here is like the greatest break from infertility. Nobody even asks about it. It’s so totally normal here to be married and not have kids that people just assume…well, I don’t know what they assume, but we certainly don’t stick out like a sore thumb like we do up in suburbia.

So now when I think about the question—would I want to go back to be my pre-infertile self?—I can’t decide. I miss how carefree I used to be. I miss the feeling that, whatever I wanted, as long as I worked hard enough for it, I could get it. I miss having people around who are in the same place as me, and who I can call at the 11th hour to meet me for a drink or a pedicure. Mainly, I miss the naïveté that comes along with not knowing how hard this was all going to be.

I do realize, of course, that even if I were back down here, that things wouldn’t be as they were. We do, in fact, want to start a family. And, I assume we would have been just as infertile in DC as we are in New England. And, none of my friends down here is going through the same thing right now.

But, I do have to say, not having toddlers and infants running around at every friendly get-together (which is what happens up in suburbia) would likely have made the ride one helluva lot easier.

So, what’s the lesson? None, I guess. I suppose I don’t want to go back to my pre-infertile self, because we do, in fact, want to start our family. And, truth be told, I don’t think if we knew then what we know now we’d have done anything differently. Our jobs turned out to be great career moves. We sold our place in DC right before the condo market collapsed to pre-our buying a condo levels. I have enjoyed being closer to my family. And, we never would have gotten our fluffy dog had we stayed in DC.

But, still. During our 22nd 2ww, it is hard not to miss it all…


Ali said...

Amen, sister! Thanks for writing this post, which captures exactly how I feel at this point (btw, also in my 2ww, but only #12 with 1 m/c in between).

My company is moving to another state and offered a promotion for me to go with it. We turned it down b/c we are TTC. Am trying to believe I made the right choice. But sub-IF makes me question *everything*.

BTW, I lived in DC, too, but now live in the PNW.

Adrienne said...

Visiting my past lives always makes me relive them a little bit. And that seems like what's happening for you here - you're back in your old haunts, with your old friends, and the old feelings (the pre-IF feelings) are flooding in and it feels good. It's temporary. But enjoy it. And then take the memory and let it help you put what you're going through into perspective.

Tam said...

I have to try and believe that there is a lesson somewhere in all this, if I don't then I think i'd loose my mind. It's normal to feel that way, I think we all want part of our former selves back, which part...i'm also not sure. I pray that this will be worth it for all of us. Hang in there :)

Sarah said...

thanks for the link. and funny it's in this post, b/c DC is my hometown! i miss it dearly too, and i only live about 45 min outside of the city now. my husband always talks about wanting to move back but i'm torn. i agree with you that it wouldn't be the same. we can't go back (in time that is).

Sarah said...

oh and good luck with the wait. hope it flies by and you get the best news ever!

tipsymarie said...

You really hit the nail on the head - i too, miss those days.

Mands said...

I think we all feel like this at times. It is that feeling of being in limbo. We are heading out of our single carefree days, but we haven't quite settled into being grown ups yet, well, because grown ups usually have kids, and we just don't. It does make one pine for the good old days. *sigh*

Bumble said...

I also think I want those days back, but I guess IF has made us different people, maybe better, who knows? I hope this 2ww goes by in the blink of an eye!!

Kristen said...

I completely agree with you. I wish we didn't have to endure this pain of IF but then again, it has allowed me to meet some amazing people and become more aware and appreciative of life. I can't say whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages right now but I do recognize there are some good things that have come out of this experience. Hopefully, our journey will end soon and we can renew ourselves yet again as we become mommies.

BTW, I totally hear you about DC. I live in Baltimore and out market has just gotten out of control thanks to DC. Our only hope is to find a fixer-upper.