Monday, May 28, 2007

Becoming a broken record...

I’ve started about three different posts today, but I started putting myself to sleep, so I’ve ditched them one-by-one. (Don’t say I never did anything for you…)

I just don’t know what to say or think about anything right now. First, I’m 8dpo on my last pre-IVF cycle. And, I’m so conflicted about that. On the one hand, I feel like IVF holds promise and optimism that I haven’t felt in the past few cycles. On the other hand, this is “IT,” the last stop before…well before conversations and decisions that I hope to never have to have or make.

And, I haven’t really come to closure on any of the IVF-fears I’ve had. Rather, I’ve just gotten to the, “well, I want to have a baby, and we’re out of other options” point. Not a great way to make such a decision, I’ll grant you. But, I’m not sure I’ll ever feel un-conflicted (not a word, I realize) about IVF…

And, its funny (okay, not ha, ha funny), we have a wedding to go to in DC in late July. I remember back at New Year’s when my friend came to visit…she’s single and having a hard time with the wedding, and she said, “I hope you’re not pregnant at this thing!” To which I responded, “I hope to god I AM!” And, frankly, it just never occurred to me that we wouldn’t be. Never in a million years. And now, he were are. Faced with the prospect of an IVF transfer that could easily interfere with the wedding—SEVEN months after that conversation.*

Infertility…she certainly has an interesting sense of humor, no?

And, the other thing is, I couldn’t be thinking less about our chances for this month. 8 dpo and all I’m thinking is, “I’ll need to call the RE early next week to get my prescription for BCP and to schedule the pap…” Remember the days when you used to get hopeful from just a good ‘old fashioned natural cycle? I guess I kind of miss those days…

And, I spent all day yesterday hanging out with my younger sister-in-law, the one who had a miscarriage in January. It was nice to be able to talk to her about some of this stuff, but it was also strange. I don’t know why. I guess because she’s 5 years younger. And because I’m pretty convinced that they are going to be pregnant soon, which of course I hope they are, but I just know it’s still going to be hard for me when they announce. And I just hate the impact that IF has on relationships with friends and family….

And, I hate how negative I sound in so many of these posts! Good heavens…

Oh, and speaking of negative, does anybody else want to throw something at the TV every time they see an add for “Knock*ed up”? Yeah, because it’s just SOOOOOO easy to get pregnant off a one night stand. Great plot line. F*ckers.

*And how many more times will I have to write something like that! I never thought we'd not be pregnant by Christmas, or the year anniversary of our miscarriage, or on our birthdays. I'm like a broken record!

12 comments:

Erin said...

Hi Stick,

I know exactly what you mean about completely discounting that last natural cycle. I was so focused on having everything ready for the IVF cycle, that I definitely didn’t give the au naturel business a chance in a hell. Of course, you can turn that around to say that I was, and you will be, totally prepared for IVF. I know you still have lots to reconcile yourself with with IVF, but if you can at least get the logistics taken care of you’ll be more free to do the hard thinkin’.

For what it’s worth I don’t think saying “well, I want to have a baby, and we’re out of other options” is a bad way to make this decision. It’s the only way. We don’t choose this and at the beginning we never think we’ll have to go this far. But we want those babies, so we do what we have to. You’re going to be a great mom SOON! and you will have done everything you can to get there.

Ms. Planner said...

Sticky Bun - don't ever think you sound like a broken record. Your posts are beautiful and thoughtful. Even if you do feel like you are whining - you're not! You have the strength to handle anything that comes your way including IVF. I know you can tackle it. I hope the 2ww goes by quickly for you (whatever way it turns out).

Thinking of you, Ms. Planner

Tam said...

I think we all eventually feel that way, like everyone is rolling their eyes saying "oh no, not again" but it's not like that at all, we all in this together sweetie and we all feel the same. I'm sorry you not feeling so sure about things and that you scared but it's part of our journey now, I wish it wasn't but what other choice do we have? Things will be just fine...you'll see, it's not as bad as it seems.

Caro said...

I know how you feel about being a broken record but since I never feel that about other peoples posts I hope they don't feel that way about mine.

Carrie said...

I did the opposite with the last cycle. Really believed it would happen, twice!

Both the family relationship strains and the dates passing suck really badly.

I could have written this post ( although not as well) If you feel as down as I do about the whole thing it's hard to be upbeat. I don't think you're negative though.

Sarah said...

you sound very reasonable and normal to me, not at all negative. just tellin like it is. this stuff is not fun.

i hope the cycle timing manages to work out well with the wedding. it sucks when IF screws with the rest of our lives.

Adrienne said...

I hear you on the IVF fears, you know I do. But you're not there yet (it ain't over until ya need a pad, and all that). And I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

p.s. and you'll really hate Knocked Up when it's the Comedy Hit of the Season. Mark my words. Feh.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I know what you mean about feeling like a broken record. I feel that way too sometimes, but it just isn't so. This blog should be a way for you to find support about what you are feeling, and you always express yourself in a thoughful way. I hope that the 2ww flies by for you. xx

Reproductive Jeans said...

Hahah I know what you mean about that damn movie--I mean, puuulease!
Dont ever feel like a broken record--that is what this community is for! Hope you dont have to worry about the next cycle...=)

Becks said...

I too hate the impact that IF has on friendships, even in an unconnected way. A friend I have known since we were 5 really upset me just before my treatment started. It wasn't anything to do with IF, but I just thought "How could sh be so hurtful knowing what I am about to go through", so I've not updated her since, despiteher asking questions.

Now...I am waffling.....I just wanted to say, I am with you on what you've been saying, just wish we all could see where the happy exit was!

Kate said...

I love reading your posts and don't worry - we all think about this stuff.

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

I agree with what Erin said - people only arrive at IVF because they want a baby, and are out of options. It sounds like you are at a good place to take this on. Having fears only means you're being realistic.

And being a broken record (which you're not) is not necessarily a bad thing. When something is meaningful and important, it deserves to be said multiple times.