Monday, May 14, 2007

The impossible dream

I thought about posting something about Mother’s Day. For a number of reasons, I won’t. I won’t because several of you have said so much better than I could right now how hard a day this is for us infertiles. I won’t because I was spared having to spend the day with my extremely pregnant and insensitive sister-in-law. (Not the rock star doctor—we love her. This is a different one.) I won’t because I didn’t get to spend the day with my mom so it didn’t really feel like Mother’s Day anyway. But mostly, I won’t because I’m too tired. I feel like I’ve had so much invested in the past couple of cycles that I just didn’t have it in me to get upset about Mother’s Day. I’m spent. (And not just because I’m off the juice.)

It’s funny, I really didn’t anticipate feeling as exhausted as I do right now. I don’t think I realized how much the last couple of cycles took out of me. Hubby and I had so much anticipation and hope going into the IUI cycles. We went into the cycles thinking, “while it might not happen right away, we’re definitely going to get pregnant within the next four cycles.” And yet, here we are again faced with trying our very best to keep hope alive when I feel like we have fewer and fewer options to look forward to.

And, with every BFN, I’ve become increasingly jaded and a bit more detached from the “end game.” It’s funny how the process and ritual of all of this can make you feel emotionally detached from the idea of actually having a baby. It just seems like such an impossible dream at this point. Maybe that’s on some level a defense mechanism—a way of protecting ourselves against the seemingly unending disappointment of failed cycle after failed cycle.

Of course it hasn’t helped that one of these last four failed cycles corresponded with another anniversary, and that another corresponded with yet another birthday…two additional big milestones gone by with no pregnancy and with no hope in sight for a baby. It’s getting harder to picture future milestones with a pregnancy. Or a baby. It really makes me kind of sad.

And yet, as we all seem to do, I know that we’ll find a way to find hope for the future. And, I know that on some level there is still much to hope for. But, for now, I’m happy that we took a break. I’m looking forward to some long sleep-ins and I’m enjoying the break from the bloodwork and ultrasounds.

And, the even better news is that we’re going away again this weekend for a little R&R. We’re headed to the beach in North Carolina with my best friend from college and her husband and their two girls. While they can’t relate to our particular struggles with IF, these are the kinds of friends where we can totally let our hair down whenever we’re with them. You know the kind—the kind who know all about you and still love you, so you don’t have to worry about being anything other than yourself, even if that you isn’t all sunshine and roses. Thank god for those kinds of friends. They’re the only people that make this kind of struggle tolerable.


Caro said...

Well done for keeping hope alive. I know it can be so hard.

Carrie said...

I'm really sorry that you both have had such a difficult time. You're absolutely right in describing the weary feeling of hope fading. I sometimes think I am concentrating so much on getting pregnant that I forget that I was, and could be, a complete person no matter what the outcome eventually is.

As for the milestones. I understand this too.

I hope you have a great time away.

Sarah said...

sounds like a fabolous vacation coming at just the right time! i'm a life-long OBXer and envy your trip!

i hear you on the "end game." i felt the same way and i agree, it's what we have to do to protect ourselves. and i don't think you should worry too much about trying to be hopeful. hope might make some parts easier, but it won't get you pregnant, so it's fine if it goes into hiding for a while. it comes back when it's ready.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I hope that you have a good time away this weekend. You deserve it with all you have been through recently. It is easy to become jaded. Hang in there. xx

Reproductive Jeans said...

Hope is just so....well frustrating. You know my feelings about her...
I am sorry for the up and downs of the last few months for you--and I really hope that you enjoy your time away this coming weekend--what beach in NC? Being a NC native, I can only brag about the wonderful beaches we have!
Hang in there--and thanks again for encouraging me to go caff-free!

webmaster said...

Matthew M. F. Miller says:

Apparently NC was a hot-spot for infertility bloggers this weekend - we should have gotten together for a bottle of wine!

I'm so sorry hope is in short supply right now, but your attitude is superb.

Becks said...

Try to keep your strength up. A nice weekend away with friends sounds like its the right medicine. I hope you have a lovely time and feel more refreshed and re-energised afterwards hun.

Baby Blues said...

Well said. BFNs after BFNs has jaded me and has kept me frustrated. I don't think I could handle going through more IUIs. IF is so tiring.

Glad to hear you'll be having fun on the beach with good friends. You deserve it.

Ms. Planner said...

Have a great vacation Sticky. Gosh, I miss the OBX - warm water (what a novel concept) & good BBQ.

Thinking of you and hoping for you...seriously, I am SO hoping for you.

xoxo, Ms. Planner

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this crap. I agree, this IF stuff can be so consuming that sometimes I have to remind myself what the end goal is. I used to be excited about thinking about becoming a mom. Now, it seems hard to imagine and down-right exhausting. BUT WE WILL ALL GET THERE! Someway or another.

Enjoy your weekend with your friends. I hope you have a wonderful time.

Nicole said...

So glad you have some good friends to hang out with. Have a fabulous time away!