Wednesday, June 13, 2007

First day of school

I had a dream last night that I just had my retrieval and was waiting in “recovery”—which, in my dream, meant waiting in line at my local coffee shop. So you can see where my mind is--IVF and coffee.

When I saw one of the nurses, I asked how many eggs they had gotten and she told me there were eight, but that only two of them were mature enough for IVF. (I don’t even know if that’s possible, but whatever. It was a dream…)

I panicked, of course: “If they’ve only retrieved two, what are the chances of both fertilizing and growing and making it to the 5dt and implanting and…??”

So, yeah. I guess I’m a little uneasy about this whole process.

Anyway, the dream got me to thinking that waiting for the IVF cycle to start feels a little bit like waiting for the first day of school.

I don’t know if you were like this, but leading up to the first day of school, I always got nervous and excited and scared—particularly if I was going to a new school. The promise of a new year lay ahead, and I always had so much hope. Would there be anyone new? Would I meet new friends? Would I have a boyfriend? Who would be in my lunch? Would XX be in my French class again? Will I have Mr. X for Chemistry?

And, of course, wrapped up in that hope was a great deal of trepidation. What if my friends didn’t share my lunch—who would I sit with? What if I didn’t like my teachers? What if…

So, for the couple of weeks leading up to the first day, I’d always have dreams about what things would be like. It was like I was trying to play out all of the scenarios in my mind to help prepare for whatever lay ahead.

Once school started, I was always fine, even if all of my questions weren’t yet answered and even if everything wasn't all sunshine and roses. By then I was in the thick of it, so it didn’t seem so distant and scary. It was just what I did, and I went about my day, and I found people to sit with and I made new friends. And I always had teachers I hated, but it never really mattered. Everything worked out as it was meant to, and I dealt with the ups and downs as they came.

I guess that’s what I’m doing right now, waiting for the first day. I’m on the BCPs, so in some ways I’m already in the game (even if I’m not pot-committed yet) but the “real” stuff hasn’t actually begun. So, now I wait.

Of course this wait is different from any other in our TTC journey. I mean, this month nothing can happen. So, I’m not worried about what CD it is, and there is no obsessing over 2ww symptoms. But that just intensifies the feeling of being in a holding pattern waiting for day 1.

And, while on the one hand I’m excited about the promise of IVF—excited that this could be IT. And while I know that I will be fine, and that we’ll deal with the ups and downs as they come, on the other hand, I can’t escape those old fear demons: what if they don’t get enough eggs? What if the eggs don’t fertilize? What if they don’t implant? What if I have too many embryos? Too few?

And of course there’s nothing I can do about it now. And so I wait and dream and play out the scenarios of what it all might look like in my head. And I patiently (ish) wait for my first day of school…

11 comments:

Kate said...

Anticipation is torture, sometimes. The first day of school analogy is a good one!

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

The anticipation is so hard. Hang in there.

Leah said...

It's amazing how something can be so exciting and scary at the same time. Like the first day of school, or like a rollercoaster you've never been on before.

You have a great attitude, and your fears are totally normal. Everything will work out fine, however it was meant to. All you need to do is listen to your doctors, to your body, and to your heart, and you will be fine. (notice I didn't say listen to your head or to Dr. Google, they can be very confusing while in the middle of a cycle. :-) )

Amy said...

I'm so hoping that you are going to be the 'popular' girl on the big day and that your fellow classmates (aka embryos) STICK around for the school year (aka 9 months)!

Nearlydawn said...

Good analogy! It does kinda feel like that!

May you find that on your "first day" you have on the right outfit, your hair is perfect, you have no zits, and the "cool" boy has a crush on you. :)

Erin said...

The first day of school is such a perfect analogy. So well put!

Is the BCP business weird? Does it feel kind of good letting go for a short time? I can’t tell if I’ll be relaxed by that part or just frustrated. Hopefully you're enjoying it!

Tam said...

The whole IVF process is scary, it just never seems to end. There are questions on top of questions and loads of sleepless nights.

You will get through this, like everything else, before you know it you'll have your little embies safely back where they belong.

I'm having strange dreams too, I also dreamt I was going for my retrievel and I was so confused because I knew that had already had it!!

Ms. Planner said...

That is a great analogy. And I know what you mean about having a month in "holding pattern." I feel like that during my months of m/c recovery. As it comes to a close I just can't wait for CD1 to come. And, of course, last time AF was late! Will I never learn? : )

I know that you will handle IVF with your gentle strength. I am so excited for you.

Cheers, Ms. Planner

megan said...

the waiting is so hard. i have no doubts that you will go through this with strength and courage.

Sarah said...

yep, nothing to do but wait, you got that right! once it gets going though it helps to take it one step at a time. know one knows what retrieval day will hold, but you'll get clues along the way. good luck!

KarenO said...

We fear the unknown, and once we're in a situation we handle it way better than we thought we would. I'm sure once you're in the middle of the IVF cycle, you'll cruise through it with flying colors. And I'll be praying that you'll have lots more eggs that will be perfect for transfer :)