Thursday, June 14, 2007

On furlough

I don’t know what to write today. Hope and fear--or should I say, hope and despair--are both battling it out for my attention as I try to gear up for IVF, and they're so closely matched right now that I switch back and forth in an instant. Right this very second, despair is winning. But, I can’t even write about that. Since I’m in my holding pattern waiting to cycle, it seems almost pointless. I’ll have plenty of time to obsess over hope and despair beginning on the 27th.

Yesterday Erin asked me how I felt being on birth control right now. It’s funny, I had written a paragraph talking about it for the post I wrote yesterday, but I deleted it before I posted. You see, I had changed my mind about how I was feeling between the time I started the post and the time I finished it. Which is of course ridiculous.

You see, at first I started to write how liberating it was to be on BCPs, to not worry about cycling or IF. But as I continued to write my post and think more about what being on BCPs really meant, I changed my mind. The truth of the matter is, I don’t feel liberated. I feel like I’m on furlough. But that I’m not ready for parole. And I certainly haven’t been pardoned.

Of course on the other hand there is some comfort in not thinking about IF ALL. THE. TIME. And I guess you could argue that this extra time is helping prepare me a little more for IVF. But I also worry that the extra time is just building up my expectations and anticipation so that I have that much farther to fall.

So, I guess you can see that I don’t know how I feel about being on BCPs. I’m having the worst time making heads or tails of it all. I just don’t know. And I don’t know who to ask. Because, you know, it’s me. I should know, no?


In other news, last week I emailed the CFO/CEOs to tell them that switching insurance companies with no warning on July 1 was really screwing with us financially. (I didn’t tell them what I was doing, just that I needed a “medical procedure.” I’m still very much “in the closet” at work.) And they’re actually working hard to find a solution. It sounds like there’s a possibility that the new company will cover this as if the doctor was “in network” for the procedure through the end of July. That would be great, and would save us thousands. So we’re keeping our fingers crossed.


Amy said...

Good for you for taking the initiative with your bosses about the insurance. I hope it works out in your favor.

Sarah said...

i hope the insurance thing works out. the upside to the BCP deal is you'll be done with those and onto bigger (better?) things soon enough.

Carrie said...

Ha, I'm so glad (in the oddest way) that you seem a bit confused about the BCP.

You always seem so focused and reasoned and have a gift for describing your feelings, a gift I totally lack, but in a funny way this reassures me. IVF is a MASSIVE step. I'm excited, terrified, pleased and dreading it and just can't articulate, even to myself, exactly how I feel.

Now if you're also finding it a bit of a head exploder, well that makes me feel much better!

I'm not on BCP but I'm sure it must be tough. Hope you are bearing up ok.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I hope that the insurance thing works out. Good for you for talking to them about it!

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

Absolutely - show that insurance who's boss!

Ms. Planner said...

While I never thought I would be the one to write this: "go, Hope, go!"

I hope that Hope starts to kick Despair's scrawny ass. Please don't despair too much. I know how hard it is not to despair, but if at any point in this journey you needed hope to win -- now is the time. That being said, the waiting is the hardest part. Wait, I should turn that into a song. Sweet.

Thanks for the Sliding Doors memory. I wanted to cut my hair like Gwenyth's for the longest time after I saw it.

Thinking of you, Ms. P

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

I can't imagine what it would feel like to be back on BCPs after all of this TTC. You should feel however you feel. (if only it were that simple, huh?)

Good for you for sticking up for your insurance rights! I hope it all works out.

Okay, I've yet to find anyone who enjoys "Kicking and Screaming" (the good one) and "Sliding Door" as much as I do. It's like your in my movie collection or something.

Ann said...

Yes, I agree that the longer you wait to cycle, the more your anticipation starts to build up. And the more you start thinking that this cycle just HAS to work after all this effort, or you'll just die.