Friday, June 22, 2007

Overthinking it: 1, Rationality: 0

First, please go over and give some support to our dear friend, Tam. She just got some bad news from IVF#1 and could use a few virtual shoulders to cry on. Tam, we’re thinking of you and Frank. Hang in there, sweetie!

Second, can I just tell you how much you all rock? Honestly, when I started this blog, I never considered the support I’d get from such a wonderfully selfless and understanding group of women (and men!). You’ve all been such a source of inspiration and wisdom and I’m regularly humbled by your strength. So, thank you for all of your thoughts in response to my post yesterday. Both for validating my fear and for being straight with me. It can be hard to see past the nose on your face with some of these IF emotions, and it’s honestly so wonderful to hear helpful thoughts and advice from caring people who can really understand.

Speaking of which, my emotions have been all over the place since yesterday. (Can I blame the bcps?) I posted yesterday immediately after I got B’s email and I was in all out oh-my-god-I-just-know-she’s-pregnant panic mode. (I’ll explain why this announcement would be particularly hard for me another day...)

I was (and remain, to a certain extent) terrified that I would not be able to remain gracious under that pressure, particularly in the midst of my first IVF.

Since yesterday, I’ve thought a lot about what to do. You’re so right that I need to find a way to find out if she’s pregnant before I see her in person to help protect my emotions while also being there for my friend.

The thing is, though, that I don’t want to ask her beforehand. Here’s why: Particularly early on when we started TTC, people would inject the “ooo—are you pregnant??” into conversations all the time. And it infuriated me. For example, once I was sick as a dog for the entire day—started getting SUPER nauseous at about 3am and was laid out all day. One of my friends called and asked how I was. When I told her I felt crappy, she said, “ooo—do you have some good news for me?”

I didn’t, of course. That is unless she thinks having the flu is good news. (Infertiles get sick, too, you know!)

So, on the off chance I’m reading this situation dead wrong, I REALLY don’t want to ask the question in case she’s not yet and she’s having a hard time with it.

Of course, the thing is, I don’t think I’ve set her up with enough information to realize just how bad her timing would be, and just how much I’d need an advanced warning system. Ms. Planner asked if I’m in the IF closet with B, and the answer is, not exactly. She knew about our pregnancy and miscarriage last year. And she knows that we’ve been trying ever since. And she knows that I’m having a hard time with it.

But, she has no idea that we’re about to do IVF. And she doesn’t know about our IUIs. (I don’t like to tell non-infertiles when I’m cycling because they inevitably start hinting around about whether I’m pregnant towards the end of the cycles and, well, per the paragraph above, getting a BFN is hard enough without having to tell a bunch of people that you are indeed not pregnant.)

So, it wouldn’t be entirely her fault if she blindsided me in person with this. In a different situation, it would be an entirely appropriate way to celebrate!

Anyhow, I’ve officially entered overthinking-it mode. She might not even be pregnant, for peet’s sake! (And, WOW will I feel silly if she isn’t.)

And, as KarenO said in response to my post yesterday, “if you want to cry when B says she's PG, go ahead and cry! You'll look beautiful with a smile through the tears and then your friends will understand without you having to say anything.”

KarenO, that is so beautifully simple and so right. If these are good friends—and they are—I can be myself. And laughter through tears is a beautiful emotion. And, showing the real me in that way might be the only way to not let all of this drive a wedge between us.

So, perhaps I should stop trying to control my emotions so much, and instead should focus on just letting my pain come through, mixed up as it will be with my happiness for her good fortune.

In other news, I take my last BCP tomorrow (hurrah!), and I go in for my first u/s and b/w on Wednesday. This pre-IVF BCP cycle has been very strange, and while I’m nervous about starting IVF in earnest, I’ll be happy to be out of limbo. I just want to move forward at this point and to stop thinking about it anymore. I guess I’m just really ready for my first day of school.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!


Carrie said...

SB, I've missed your last two posts. I'm so sorry you have this issue to deal with. I know exactly the pain of hearing of peoples pregnancies. It is very difficult. I just wrote about pg announcements too.

I think you maybe should just ask her straight out. It might be easier alround, I'm sure you would word it well so she doesn't have to reply with a yes or no. Just make sure she knows that such an announcement would throw you.

Of course the smiling whilst in tears idea is by far the best, I would find that too difficult (and I so wish I wouldn't) but if you can go that way then good for you.

In all honesty, I hope she has different news, That would be easier all round.

Dianne/Flutter said...

Sending you good thoughts.

Amy said...

Yay for the last day of BCPs! Am hoping all works out with B too :)

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I am just catching up...

It's a tough situation all the way around. But the assvice to just be yourself and do what you need to do to take care of yourself is right. My best friend T struggled unsuccessfully for 7 years to have a child (via IVF, etc.) and we have talked endlessly about how she wouls react to a BFP. Neither of us anticipated that my TTC would help me to better understand her IF, but so be it. Anyway, I told her that I would understand if my good news devastated her or brought up old feelings. That we would do our best to keep our lines of communication open and try to see it as a challenge to bring our friendship to the next level. That's the best that can be done, I think.

Ms. Planner said...

Hey Sticky Bun, will be interested to read what you decided to do and what the outcome was. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

Ms. P

tipsymarie said...

It sounds like you've got a handle on things. BCP's can make your moods difficult for sure - and you might be just a little bit stressed about your upcoming IVF.

I am thinking about you and wishing you the best!

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

You don't have to protect anyone from your emotions. A good friend will realize how difficult this is for you, and shouldn't be offended by tears (or by you coming straight out and asking.) Best of luck with B; it sucks!

Congrats on finishing up the BCPs and moving on with this cycle!

Leah said...

Good luck with this cycle, you're on your way!

When I've been in a similar situation (suspicious of a gathering, afraid it might be an "announcement), I guess I am a pessimist. I usually just assume that she's pregnant and figure out how I'm going to handle it. That way, if it turns out to be a new boyfriend or a new job or something, I am only out the amount of time I spent fretting about it (which I would have done either way).

But if it IS the dreaded announcement, I've got my plan in advance. Typically this super-mature plan of mine involves faking a coughing spell and running off to the bathroom to cry. It works great, and you get to miss all the ooohing, aaaahing and other miserable bullshit that goes on immediately following the bombshell.

KarenO said...

Dear Sticky Bun, I'm so glad my comment yesterday helped you! You too know how difficult it is to say the right thing to friends of yours in the same situation as you, even though you've-been-there-done-that. When you try to give advice and it helps, it's really great! Please let us know how everything works out in the end :)

CAM said...

This dinner with your friends may turn out to be a great way to come out about what you are going through. I have a feeling they will be overly supportive about your feelings. :)

Amy said...

You've gotten great advice (not assvice) and I'm sure however you handle it, it WILL be with grace.

Another thought though -- do you really have to do it in the middle of your stim? Could you put her off until the 2ww? I know you wouldn't want to worry for longer, but at the same time I think you deserve to put yourself first during this stim.

I'm sure no matter, what you will make a good choice. Thinking of ya. :) And thanks for your comments and visiting my new blog regularly! It means a lot.

Chris said...

I don't think you are over thinking things at all! During a time like this it is natural to have so many emotions, and all of them strong. It's hard to make decisions when you are also trying to figure out if it will make you look sane or not. Just be. And just be true to you. That's just perfect!

Sarah said...

i love karen's comment and your response. however it all works out, i hope you're able to enjoy a fabulous night out with great friends.

good luck with the wednesday appointment!

Hez said...

I hope everything went well and you had a wonderful time with friends. Good luck this week!

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am sorry that I missed your last 2 posts. I have been in this situation before and it isn't fun. I hope that you were able to figure something out. Wishing you all the best for this first cycle Sticky!

TeamWinks said...

Good luck with your friend. You are truly thoughtful. Glad to hear it's your last day of BCPs!!!