Sunday, June 03, 2007

Weekend Update

Holy Sh*t, am I ever out of shape! All I have to say is, thank god for you ladies! Erin, Laura, Amy, and JJ have joined me for the 28-day challenge. And, if it weren’t for my challenge compatriots and the public shame and ridicule I would have to face in the blogworld if I quit on the first day of the challenge, I would have stopped after the first two minutes of running. But, since Erin is already kicking ass and has run almost 4 and walked more than 20 miles on only her third or fourth day, I’m going to stick with it. I don’t know how far along my running goals I’ll get, but as long as I get myself moving 5x/week, I’ll feel pretty good.

In other news, it’s CD1, so Ms. P, I’m sorry to report that we’ve not become urban legends. On the upside that means we can all still detest those “just relax and you’ll get pregnant” types. On the downside, it means I’m officially on the IVF train.

I have to admit, though, that last night I had a little IVF breakdown and I was ready to bail on it entirely. I just suddenly felt so conflicted--in a different way than I had been--and just completely not ready for such a big step. Mostly, I felt not ready to give up on us.

I told hubby that I didn’t want to do it, and the poor thing looked like he was going to cry. He really wants to move forward, although he would never pressure me into it. It was kind of a curve ball to throw at him at the 11th hour, but it’s how I was feeling at the time. So, we went on a long walk with the dog to talk about it. And over the course of the walk, I began to realize that what was bothering me the most last night was that, by moving on to IVF, we were acknowledging that we can’t get pregnant on our own. That we are truly infertile. That, for whatever reason, things just don’t work the way they should.

You see, for the past two years, I’ve been telling myself that the timing has been off, or that it’s been stress, or that our IUI cycles have been sub-optimal, etc. But, never have I actually said, “the truth of the matter is that we can’t get pregnant on our own.” And last night the realization hit me all at once and made me so sad that I just burst into tears on the street. And, it felt good to have a long cry—to grieve the loss of our fertility. Something I’ve never allowed myself to do before.

I asked hubby to let me finish the walk on my own—I just needed to be by myself and to sit with my new realization for a while. When I got back, he gave me the biggest hug in the world. And he apologized for not getting me pregnant. And that made me even sadder. And I realized how hard this must be on him, too. I assured him he had NOTHING to apologize about. And we just hugged and felt sorry for ourselves for a good long while. (Hubby is the best hugger ever…) And he told me we could wait as long as I needed.

When I woke up this morning, I felt better. It was cathartic to acknowledge what one of my biggest hang-ups about IVF was. I told hubby that I wanted to move forward. That I didn’t want to face another 3 or 6 months of heartbreaking BFNs without doing something. That I needed to stop kidding myself into thinking that, despite 2 years of IF, somehow everything was “fine.”

So I called Dr. Smirky today. I felt bad calling on a Sunday, but I couldn’t remember whether I was supposed to start BCPs on CD 2 or 3. He said I should call the office tomorrow morning to go in either tomorrow or Tuesday. Then, later this evening, he called back to say, if it worked better for me, that I could come in tomorrow morning at 8am.

I mean, voluntarily calling on a Sunday night to see what worked best for my schedule? Inconceivable!

So I go tomorrow for my b/w and u/s. Game on!


Nicole said...

So glad to hear you got a call back on a Sunday. Sounds like you got yourself a good one. You deserve it!

Cece said...

Hey there cycle buddy.... I'm glad we are doing this together... I'm trying to stay positive... but am just as nervous/scared/weirded out as you.

Erin said...

Sticky, even having gone through IVF I’m still coming to terms with being capital-I Infertile. And now in these down cycles I can’t stop myself from thinking that the urban legend could still happen. Delusional, I know.

When I read the bit about your husband apologizing to you, I cried a little bit. I think it’s partly that my husband has been gone for a week and I’m going to pick him up at the airport in 15 minutes. I’m so looking forward to my own hubby-hug! But the real reason for my reaction is that I just think it’s so unfair that during this journey we have to feel like we’re letting down the people who are closest to us and that they feel the same way? I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it.

I’m glad that you came around and are ready for your IVF cycle. And I’m so glad that your new RE is so responsive! Now more than ever that will be so important.

Keep on truckin’ on that treadmill!

Carrie said...

Hey Sticky,
You manage to write what I'm thinking. It's kind of good but a bit weird, epecially as I'm not always sure what I'm thinking until you write it!! I do hope you know what I mean.

I absolutely understand about the huge step that is IVF but I didn't realise why. You are so right, this means I have to admit we need help, as in big help. I'm not so comfortable with that either.

I'd also like to join your fitness challenge, if I may. 28 Days souns do-able. Work is a bit massive right now so I'm going to aim for fast walking(not running, it drives my youngest dog insane) every day and 2 additional sessions of swimming or gym. Is that enough to be in? Do hope so.

Hope your visit was reassuring. Looks like we both have to face it. It's happening!

Ms. Planner said...

Oh Sticky. I am sorry about CD1 and the ensuing emotions that followed. I know this is a scary situation but it sounds like it is time for you. I also know that you will face this with a lot of bravery and am glad that your hubby was so supportive.

Thinking of you, Ms. Planner

Reproductive Jeans said...

CD 1 was Saturday...always so lovely to see AF arrive...*sigh. So I am moving over on the IVF train and leaving a nice seat for you. It is hard to get on board....but we'll get through it!

Becks said...

The whole thing can be so scary/overwhelming so I totally get where you are coming from. The only thing I can say, that may help is that the thought of it is scarier than the reality.

Oh and I too realised how out of shape I am so I just ordered and exercise DVD!!

How's the coffee withdrawal plan going?

Sarah said...

awesome, bring it on! when the same thing happened to me and i told my hubs i didn't want to go forward he said "okay, fine, we don't have to do it." and that's when i realized how bad i wanted to, (although the moments of doubt and wanting to quit did continue off and on).

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

Good post - but I'm sorry you had to feel this way. Moving on does feel that your giving up on the possibility that it could happen on your own. I totally get that. I'm so sorry. But, I'm glad you go that cry out, and feel better about the next step.

Keep up the good exercise work ;)