Tuesday, July 24, 2007

7 dp5dt

Warning: An excessively negative and rambling post follows! Read at your own risk.

A week ago today, our two little sticky buns were transferred back. Those of you who told me that I wouldn’t see symptoms yet, I know you’re right. But damn do I wish I had a few to give me some hope that this worked.

And, I hate being negative. Hubby is trying to keep my spirits up, but I just am having such a hard time. I mean, at this point, I feel like I’ve been through so many cycles that were just bright red NOs (literally) that I can’t envision a situation where the clinic calls me Thursday with anything other than an “I’m sorry, but…”

And I want to be able to picture it. And, up until this point, I feel like I’ve always been able to. I’ve been able to imagine what getting a positive would be like. To imagine crying with relief and joy. Of telling my parents. Of waiting on pins and needles waiting for each subsequent beta. Of seeing our baby’s heartbeat for the first time.

But right now, I really can’t. Instead, I find myself prepping for the call. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. And just somehow fearing deep down that this is going to be yet another disappointment. And wondering if we’ll ever get to cross over to the other side?

And I know I won’t take a BFN well. I mean, I know that I’ll deal with it, because what’s my other option, really? But where will that leave me? And it breaks my heart to think of how disappointed hubby is going to be if it doesn't work. He's being so cute--saying good night to our sticky buns when he tucks me in at night and begging them to hang on tight. And, I'll feel like I've let him down if this doesn't work, and I'll feel like I've caused him pain.

And I just fucking hate that this is what IF has reduced me to. I want to believe. With everything in my heart I want to believe that this is it—that this is going to be our time in the sun. But I just can’t get there.

That’s why I haven’t even had the urge to POAS. On some level, I want to relish the next two days when there is still the possibility of a pregnancy. And I almost feel like our beta is coming too quickly: Thursday--14 days past retrieval, 9 dpt.

We leave for a friend’s wedding in DC on Friday morning, and I’d almost rather not know at the wedding. I’d rather be left blissfully unawares with the little shred of hope I’d have left. I don’t want to be able to drink. And I don’t want to be able to have coffee again. And I just desperately want to move forward. This is basically our last chance to have a baby before our 33rd birthday. 33! When we started trying, we talked about having three kids before we were 35. What a fucking laugh that turned out to be. We’ll be lucky to have one before then.

And I’m just SO ready to move on to the next step. I want to worry about betas and ultrasounds. Not that I want to worry, but I want forward progress. Like Dianne, I feel so very stagnant. I’m stuck in TTC hell and I just don’t know how to get out.

And now, if this cycle doesn’t work, we’ll be able to say we’ve tried everything. And that nothing has worked. I’m not saying we’ll stop; I’m nowhere near that yet. But, we’ll have tried naturally, IUIs, IVF—everything. There will literally be nothing new to try. We’ll be left just to hope against hope that one of those things has a different outcome in the future than it’s had in the past.

Argh. Hang on, sticky buns!! Please?

18 comments:

tipsymarie said...

I've been checking your blog, thinking you might have tested. After reading your latest, I completely understand why you haven't. As I read, I was agreeing all the way down.
Just know you are by no means alone.

Sarah said...

oh yes, i felt exactly the same way. i was just recalling those feelings in a post i'm working on actually. i had no hope. i don't know if it helps at all to remember that those feelings are no indication whatsoever of whether this one is going to work. they're just your way of protecting yourself. hope for the best and prepare for the worst is the way to go.

i hope you get to move forward soon too. thinking of you every day, with all the hope you can't manage right now.

Dianne/Flutter said...

OH, I so hope that they hang on.

Ms. Planner said...

Those last few days before the moment of truth are always filled with so much pressure. Argh!

I admire your resolve for not testing yet and completely empathize with why you haven't.

And props to Mr. Sticky as well. It is amazing how in our hour of darkness our guys can still maintain their positive-ness.

Chris said...

Two words for you... "breath, repeat".

You will get through this. You are doing great so far. Hang in there.

Carrie said...

Oh Sticky, I understand. It is so difficult to contemplate it not being OK and so difficult to imagine it being OK. I hope it is it for you two. You're right, now you'll feel you've tried everything, there's no way to move it up a gear. It isn't quite like that but I know it feels that way. Hoping for you x

Waiting Amy said...

Oh Sticky, I'm so glad you posted and got all that stuff out there; I've been wondering how you're doing. We all know exactly how this point in IVF feels, especially the first (hopefully last). I didn't generally test either cause I couldn't handle it. I totally get it.

Keep hanging on to that terrific hubby. Hug and kiss each other.

X for you. :)

Chanti said...

praying that those two little sticky buns of yours hang on!!!

Reproductive Jeans said...

They are sticking--I just KNOW it!! Hope is so hard to pull in during this wait we are in....

Marie-Baguette said...

All of us go through this same phase, trying to protect ourselves. I am really hoping for the best for this cycle, and that in a year or 2 you will use the frozen embryos to complete your family! Keeping my fingers crossed.

Bumble said...

I know, its better for me to live in a tiny bit of hope than to know for sure if the news was bad. But you have a great chance Sticky. You just never know. I'm holding thumbs for you with all my might.

CAM said...

I totally know what you mean about not wanting to test. It does feel good to be unaware and hold onto that "maybe" feeling. Its excititng! Thanks for sharing your feelings now...its such an emotionally draining time. We are all here for you.
:)

Amy R said...

Sticky, hang in there girl and just think the best thoughts you can. I know you must be going crazy with the 2ww but its almost done and I'm totally praying its a good outcome for you.

Tam said...

I got so sad for you when I read this post, it's so raw and true and explains exactly what this is like. It's so so hard to get through this without feeling that way and unfortunately it doesn't get easier.

I am still praying for you and hoping that this is it for you and that you wont have to try anything new for a long long time to come.

You will get through this, we are all here for you and thinking of you all the time.

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

I know you don't want to get your hopes up, but try to believe a little that this might be the time that it works.

I am hoping, hoping, hoping that things work out.

chicklet said...

Like TipsyMarie, I'm with you the whole way through. I get feeling to blame, feeling like you don't want to test, all of it - you wrote it really well. Here's hoping Thursday goes well for you and they hang in there.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I so hope that you get good news at the end of this Sticky. Hugs.

Sarah said...

dude, i have been refreshing your page all day long. when oh when will you get the beta call????