Friday, July 27, 2007

Confession

Because I can’t lie to you, I have to confess that I did break down and POAS yesterday morning before the beta. And, I had a post that I desperately wanted to share with you, but literally right before I hit publish, I panicked. I was like a deer in headlights, and I couldn’t move.

I can’t fully explain what my problem was exactly. I guess just that I was panic-stricken that the HPT was wrong, or that the beta would be pitifully low or something. I guess the real deal is, I’ve gotten two and a half positive tests in my life. And, well, as you know, none has resulted in a real, live baby. So, I both didn’t want to jinx it and could barely believe it was actually true and that the tests were right.

Now, I know what you’re saying: how is it that you had 2.5 positive tests and only one miscarriage, but never had a baby? That doesn’t add up? And, what the hell is ½ of a positive test?

Good questions all.

Here’s the deal. The second month after we began TTC—back in the day when I POAS beginning at, oh I don’t know, 2dpo—I got a very faint positive. I could hardly believe it! I stared at it in all kinds of different lights and got all excited.

Then, within 10 minutes, the second line disappeared.

Curious, I thought. Does that mean I’m pregnant or I’m not?

I of course called the help line, and they said a line means pregnant, no matter what. But, being the skeptic I am, I bought about a million more tests. All BFN.

I count that has my half-positive. It wasn’t a “real” positive, and it was never replicated. And, the line was supposed to stay put for 24 hours, which it didn’t.

Then, there was the infamous miscarriage in March/April of ’06. We all know how that went.

And finally, early last August—almost a year ago exactly—I took a digital hpt (after the disappearing positive, I turned only to our friend the digital) and it clearly said “pregnant.” Again, hubby and I were thrilled. We got all excited and toasted and were so happy to be moving forward.

Then, the next day, I took another. BFN. AF came two days later. And I never figured out if it was a chemical pregnancy or a false positive, though we still suspect the former.

So, as you can tell, my track record with HPTs is less-than-stellar, and my faith in them is almost zero. So, I needed the beta to make it more real.

Of course, because I’m greedy, I got the beta, and now I’m saying, “I just need to get past the point we did in our last pregnancy. I need to get to the first ultrasound. Then it will feel more real.”

I guess the challenge, for all of us, is that, after so much disappointment, it’s so hard not to assume that somewhere along the way there will be more. I hope with everything I am that there won’t be. And, I have more hope right now than I’ve had in a long, long time. But, I’ve got to tell you, I’d give anything for a little nausea or something like that right now! Something that made me feel somehow different and more this feel more real.

None of that is to say we’re not thrilled. We are. I can’t tell you how fortunate and blessed we feel that at least one of our two sticky buns has implanted. As hubby said to me last night, “you can’t have a baby without first getting pregnant. So, while it’s scary to think that this might not work out, we have to let ourselves get excited about this important first step.”

So, as Sarah said in the comments last night, here’s to what’s already happened; here’s to the first step. And, here’s to the hope that there will be more to celebrate in the future.

But, most of all, here’s to my cyclesistas Serenity and JJ. Ladies, I’ve got everything crossed for your betas on Saturday and Monday!

_________________________________________
PS--a huge and extremely heartfelt thank you for all of your kind words, well-wishes and support. I never cease to be amazed by the capacity of support of all of the wonderful women in this community, even those going through much more difficult times than I. You're my strength throughout this journey, and I'm more and more convinced everyday that starting this blog was the best fertility-related decision I ever made. Thank you.

10 comments:

Natalie said...

My husband is going through the exact same thing... he's really terrified this is going to go away, that the test was wrong, that the beta will be really low and I'll miscarry. I really feel bad for him. :(

So I really understand where you're coming from. It's a terrifying thought, especially after already a loss.

chicklet said...

Yay, very exciting first step. I think that's a great way to look at it - one step at a time. Congrats!

Sarah said...

i feel the same way about my blog--thanks to people like you!!

i think we all understand exactly why you couldn't hit publish. one step at a time is the only way to get there. i don't think i slept a wink the first week. i hope you do get moments of excitement between the terror though.

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

CONGRATULATIONS!! I missed your last post and good news. Your blog was really the reason I started one of my own, so I think I've felt a little more emotionally attached to your success. Maybe I'm weird :) I am just thrilled for you.

I completely understand about the hesitancy to be estatic. With all the dissapointment, its hard to trust that it might all be okay. Especially with the tough cycle you've had, it has to be hard to let the pendelum swing the other way so quickly. But it will come. Wishing you a fantastic U/S, strong heart beat, and very sticky little bun!

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

Damn it. I just read in your previous post that you didn't want to be congratulated. And what do I do? I type it in upper case letters. Smooth. Anyways, scratch that and change it to "I'm sending you lots of hope."

Inconceivable said...

Congrats to you -many blessings

AshPash said...

Congratulations! Many good wishes that the betas continue to rise!

Tam said...

Take it easy and just take one day at a time, we all understand why you waited for your beta to tell us, no hard feelings :)

Enjoy this time sweetie, I'm praying so hard for you guys!

Love and hugs xxx

Baby Blues said...

Oh my gosh! Woohoo! I'm so happy for you! And yes, I understand. I'm still in denial myself. Not until I hear the heart beat will I celebrate and accept it.

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

i would never believe believe a HPT either. I, in fact, prolly won't ever believe i was preggy unless and until i hold a baby in my arms.

which, friend, will be doing sooner than you think. and i am still tickled for you guys.