Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Desperate and deflated...

I have to say that I’m so sick of being blindsided by IF. She really never ceases to amaze me with the depths of bad news we can get from her.

Needless to say, I’m feeling particularly crappy and hopeless after yesterday’s scan. I just don’t think there’s much hope for this cycle. Smirky did indeed up my meds—I’m now on 2 amps of Men0pur (150iu) and 300iu of Gona1-F. I have such mixed feelings about the new doses. On the one hand, I’m happy that Smirky doubled my dose—it tells me that he’s serious about trying to make this cycle work.

On the other hand, I’m so, so upset that he had to. I think I know what such a slow response to the meds portends, and I just feel so deflated. And I really didn’t think I could feel any more deflated than I already did after 2+ years of infertility, a miscarriage, and 4 failed IUIs. But, just when you think you’ve hit bottom, IF swings her ugly mug around just to say, “Oh, sweetheart, it could get SO. MUCH. WORSE.”

So now all I can think about is the chances of this cycle getting cancelled (high). And that we’d have to wait out another whole month and start up with the evil, horrible, rotten, no good, very bad BCPs. And, can I tell you how much I don’t want to get back on the merry go round…particularly if I don’t even have the chance to finish this ride?!

Ugh.

And the other thing is that I still don’t feel anything happening in the ‘ol ovaries. I know I just upped my dose 12 hours ago, but I was really hoping for some ovarian fireworks to assuage my fear. None so far.

I can’t say it enough, I just feel so deflated. I feel like a broken record, because I always seem to be surprised when things don’t go exactly right, but it just never occurred to me that my ovaries wouldn’t respond to the meds. Never. I thought we might run into other problems, but not that.

And, here I spent all of this time worrying about “oh dear what will we do if we have too many embryos.” I feel so foolish. Now I just desperately want to produce enough eggs that we’ll get two good embryos out of it. I desperately want to be able to move forward. And that’s just how I feel…desperate…

As always, Dr. Google is cold comfort. He tells me that slow responders have lower IVF success rates. So, here I am. CD7 and already my chances for this cycle are lower. Like I needed any additional help with the bad news.

ARRRGGGHHH!

PS--is there a scenario where being a slow responder doesn't indicate diminished ovarian reserve? I just need to know if my ovaries have started to pack it in...at fucking 32.

14 comments:

Amy said...

Oh Sticky, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. This is all so unfair. I really think only 12 hours in is too short of a time to feel the increased dosage kicking in. I know you are in a really blah place right now and I wish I could give you a big hug! Just hang in there sister and take it a day at a time. I'm assuming you go in to the RE tomorrow or day after? Well I hope it is good news for you.

Carrie said...

Sticky, I'm really sorry thet you are going through this. The thought of a possible cancelled cycle and the extra worry that things aren't performing as they should be. It really is a difficult place to be.
I agree with Amy, perhaps 12 hours is just too short a time to feel the difference. Your RE wouldn't have taken this route if there was no hope. I know that's little comfort right now and things must feel pretty heavy.
Hang in there. Fingers crossed for a turn around. I'll be hoping for you. x

Amy said...

I know all about how you feel Sticky. Hang in, like you said, it only takes two (maybe even just one). eMail me anytime.

*HUG*

Dianne/Flutter said...

Sticky, I am so sorry. Will pray that your ovaries starting acting appropriately and that your cycle goes off with flying colors. Sending you a huge hug.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Sticky, I'm thinking of you! I really know nothing at all about poor responders so I won't pretend to say anything to help. Just know that you are in my thoughts!

tipsymarie said...

I am sorry to say I know exactly how you feel, and it's *almost* worse to respond like that than it was to need the meds in the first place. It was a very difficult time for me, and I am sorry you are having to go through this.

Kate said...

I am so sorry. Big Hug.

I hate Dr. Google.

Becks said...

I know exactly how it feels to have the threat of cancellation hanging over you. It is the worst feeling. I just wanted to get to the end even if it failed. I didn't start responding better till about day 3 of extra stims, so there's plenty of time yet.

If the worst happens, please don't worry. I don't really know what I'm talking about but it sounds like you were on a very low dose. I started on 4 amps and nearly got cancelled and now I am going onto the max, 6 amps, so please try not to stress you have such a long way to go.

Sarah said...

it sucks. we go into IVF knowing it may take a couple of tries, but somehow a cancellation sucks even worse than a BFN. and i'm not sure there's been anything in this harder for me than worrying about diminished ovarian reserve--it is such a hopeless feeling. but it's much more likely they just started out too conservatively for you. there's a good chance you'll respond well to the increased meds. i hope it's this time, but if not at least they know for next time. (sorry, i know that doesn't feel much better right now). i hope you get good news at the next scan (and soon!).

chicklet said...

I don't know what to say cuz it's going around - the deflated thing. All I can say is hang in there, cuz that's what I'm trying to do, and deep down I think FUCK, it HAS to get better right?!

Leah said...

This seriously sucks. I hate it that our bodies can continue to disappoint us time after time. I'm sending you a giant hug right now.

Have you ever visited Amy's blog? http://amy-waitingforwhat.blogspot.com/ At the moment, she is in a very similar situation to yours. You guys might benefit from connecting.

In the meantime, I'll be desperately praying that your follies snap into action and this is a wonderfully successful cycle.

Leah said...

Duh, it would help if I read the other comments before I wrote mine. I see that Amy already chimed in, so clearly you two know about each other.

Bean said...

Crap -- I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. While I haven't dealt with your particular situation, I'm definitely feeling beat up and knocked down by IF these days. I can't tell you how sick of bad news I am. Fingers are crossed that those ovaries of yours get to work! Take care.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

My best friend, the one who spent 7 years trying unsuccessfully to become a mother, always tells me to *never* say that things could not get any worse because they can. I am sure that she learned this lesson from the ever-cruel IF.

I am so sorry. And I am hoping that the increased dosage turns things around!!