Monday, July 30, 2007

The difference a few months makes *Updated*

First, if you haven’t already, please send some love to JJ, who just got some bad news about IVF#1. JJ, I'm thinking of you and I'm so sorry.

And also please send some love to Carrie who just got some bad news at her ultrasound on Friday and could use some support.

This weekend I was down in DC for a friend’s wedding. As you know, I love going back to DC. I love seeing my old friends and visiting my old haunts. It’s funny how much of a difference a few months makes, though.

Last time we went to DC, I found myself really missing the person I used to be before all of this IF nonsense and really enjoying the fact that most of my DC friends were decidedly not in the kids phase.

This time was different, for both some obvious and some not-so-obvious reasons. For starters, we were there for the wedding of one of our friends who we all had wondered if he’d ever get married. He’s a great guy, and he really wanted marriage and kids “some day,” but was sort of your prototypical “toxic bachelor.” He loved to party and drink, and never really dated too many women all that seriously. And, at the time, of my core group from DC, hubby and I were the only ones trying to get pregnant and even really thinking about kids.

But this time, even though only a few months has passed, so much has changed. First, that J got married and looked so genuinely happy and in love was so wonderful to see and was really a sign that things were changing for all of us. It really felt like, this weekend, he entered a different part of his life. I definitely got the sense that this was “it” and that he was ready to move on, with all that that entails.

Also, a couple we’re friends with, who got married just three months after us but who weren’t sure they’d ever have children, have recently started trying. And that definitely put a slightly different feel on the weekend—there was more talk about babies and having children than ever before in this group of friends.

And, of course, there was Thursday’s positive beta. I really had prepared myself to go to the wedding and be really upset that our first IVF hadn’t worked. And, it was truly wonderful to have to steer clear of the wine, and I barely missed having to bypass my favorite old coffee shop.

And so this trip to DC just felt different. While I will always miss DC because I had such a wonderful time there in my 20s, I felt like I was looking at it through new eyes this weekend, if not exactly through the rose-colored glasses I might have once thought would have accompanied a positive beta.

On the train on the way home from DC, I was just sitting and listening to my iPod—which I had deliberately loaded up with songs I hadn’t listened to in forever—and trying to sort through everything I’m feeling right now.

And as I was poking through my library (which includes the most eclectic mix of music from the Foo Fighters and the Black Crows, to Led Zeppelin to Joni Mitchell to Benny Goodman to Emimem to classical), I stumbled upon Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now.” (I actually think it was Judy Collins who did it first, but either way.)

And I can’t explain why, but that song really spoke to me. I found that it encapsulates how I’m feeling about everything—about the loss of innocence that IF has brought and about the slight nostalgia I have for the hope and pure unadulterated optimism I used to have when hubby and I first began this journey to parenthood. And, most of all, about the lens through which I’m looking at this pregnancy news, and why I have to qualify every statement with an “assuming everything continues to progress well…” because I can’t quite let on—even to myself—how excited I am.

And so, I’ll leave you with the words. And, of course, I’ll be sure to update this post when I hear back from the nurse with the results of beta #2. Please keep everything crossed that the number looks great.

Both Sides Now

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere,
I’ve looked at clouds that way.

But now they only block the sun.
They rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way.

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all.<

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way.

But its just another show
You leave ‘em laughing when you go.
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away.

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way.

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed.
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day.

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all.

HUGE sigh of relief. I just heard back from the nurse--my beta level is 1,224, which is a doubling time of just under 2 days. Step 2--check.

Now what are the chances I get through an entire day before I start worrying about step #3 (Thursday's beta)?


megan said...

glad you had a good weekend.
it's all crossed for your second beta!

Kate said...

I'll be hoping for nice big numbers!

Kristen said...

Great second beta! I sure hope the third beta is just as wonderful.

I'm glad you had a great weekend. You were just a stone's throw away from me in MD!


chicklet said...

I'm glad DC was so fun for you, but thrilled for you that your beta was so great! Hang in there, step 3 will come soon enough, and then hopefully - tick! Onto worry about step 4:-)

Becks said...

Just cathcing up on yournews - I am so thrilled for you Sticky!!!!Well done girl!! Hoping that the good news just keeps on coming.

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

So far, so good!!!!

Sarah said...

a big congrats from DC on beta #2!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your ipod sounds a lot like mine, and i can see why that song would strike a chord. it's so nostalgic and i always thought it had an optimistic tone. i hope you're feeling some of that optimism too.

KarenO said...

I haven't been able to visit your blog in a week or so, and it was SOOOOO wonderful to catch up on the great news: Congratulations! :) Take care of yourself, sending lots of love your way!

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

Matthew M. F. Miller says:

Way to go! If I were you I'd probably wee myself just a little from the excitement.

Best of luck.