Thursday, July 05, 2007

Pulling myself back up...

I have a feeling that today’s post is going to be a bit all over the place, so I apologize in advance, and try to bear with me. ☺

First, I’ve been thinking a lot about my post from yesterday; about why I reacted with so much anger towards my friend. Really, I think it comes down to the fact that my feelings were hurt, by my friend, but really by IF more broadly.

As for my friend, in hindsight, I’m fairly convinced that she knew she was pregnant when we went to dinner. I don’t know for sure, and probably never will, but that night, while we had the conversation about her cycles being irregular, it was a strange conversation. Such a strange conversation that I remember thinking, “there is more going on here that she’s not telling me.” I even mentioned to my friend L after the dinner that I was just certain that there was more to the story—that it really wasn’t like her to not track her cycles better and use ovulation kits, etc., and that I just wasn’t convinced she didn’t really know when she was ovulating. B is a planner by nature, and she had done EVERYTHING by the book. Started her prenatals three months before going off the pill. Nixed all caffeine and alcohol long before they started. Went to the doctor for a full pre-conception visit, etc. It would have been wildly out of character for her to not track her LH to ensure she was timing everything optimally. Or not to test regularly to see if it worked.

So now I know—or at least I think I know—that “more to the story” was that she had just recently found out she was actually pregnant. And it hurts me to know that she kept it from me. And I do realize how spectacularly unfair that is of me. If she wasn’t ready to tell, that’s her call, not mine. But, for better or for worse, by holding out so long to tell, she has put distance between us, at least for now.

I also realize I'm partly to blame for that distance. I haven't been above board with everything we've been going through. But, frankly, because of the way she was going to try to announce her news, I can't help but feeling that I was right to think she might not have been the best person to empathize with our struggles...So, I think my reaction yesterday goes well above and beyond a mere pregnancy announcement.

For instance, her not telling me stings a little more than usual because, when she started trying, and when she knew we were having such a hard time, we had a conversation about it. And I told her that I really hoped she’d tell me when she was pregnant. That, even though it might be hard for me to hear (or for her to tell), it would hurt me more to know she kept it from me.

And now, that’s how I feel. I’m sure that wasn’t her intent. But, again, for better or for worse, our feelings aren’t always logical, predictable, or fair.

Of course, having said all of that, the real problem actually has nothing to do with B. The real problem is that my feelings were just hurt because I feel—again—like I’m left to navigate this field of IF hell all on my own. Another friend has proven to be super-fertile. (I don’t have a single friend who hasn’t been so far--every single one who's tried has gotten pregnant in less than four months. Most in only one or two.) And it just hurts. I feel more isolated and alone with each pregnancy announcement. Not that I want people to have trouble—I wouldn’t wish this on anyone—but it was certainly easier before some of them even started trying.

And of course the timing this week wasn’t great either, with all of this IVF news…but that’s not her fault. She couldn’t have known.

The good news (good?) is that, for some reason, I’m feeling slightly more at peace today. I have felt downright frantic for the past few days—with the poor E2 levels, the poor scan results, the upping of the meds, the pregnancy announcement, I’ve just felt out of control. Today, I feel less so.

I wish I could say that it’s because my scan went really well this morning, but that’s not it. Unfortunately, I only have about eight follies brewing, and only about four or five of them look good (about 12mm). The others are closer to 7-8mm each.

So, I’m left in limbo for another few days. I’m hopeful that we’ll be able to continue with IVF, if for no other reason than I want to get as much data from this cycle as possible—on my follies, from the fertilization report, and from the number of embryos that result. Beyond that, I can’t say I have much hope that this cycle will result in a real, live baby, though. As much as it pains me to admit that…

But again, for some reason, I feel less desperate than I have for the past few days. I’m reasonably hopeful that, whatever happens with this cycle, we now know more and can start me on a higher dose for the next round. Sure, I wish (and hope?) that we don’t need another round, but I don’t feel like my world will come crashing down if it comes to that. At least right now I don’t…

So, that’s the update. I’m waiting for a call back from the nurse, but I assume that I’ll stay on the same doses of gona1-f and men0pur for at least another few days. So, I guess what I’m hoping for right now is that something good comes of all of this!


Amy R said...

Gosh, its like I wrote this post about my friend that I had blogged about earlier. I had told her the SAME EXACT THING (to tell me when...). And we had a conversation about 2 months ago when she said she's just not 'thinking' about it anymore and what happens will happens. I told her she was so strong and that I need to take a lesson from her. Well, of course its easier not to think about it when you are in fact already pregnant! I get so pissed when I think about that conversation but also, I am so happy the she doesn't have to go through this. Like you are for your friend B. I know how it all went down is pretty tough for you Sticky. And I just wonder if there is EVER a good way to tell an IF friend about being pg without there being some stinging.

Just give yourself a bit of time. I am sure you two will always remain friends and maybe one day you'll even want to tell her exactly what you just wrote in this post.

Regarding your cycle: 4-5 12mm follicles is still GOOD. I don't know what your RE's criteria is for an IVF cycle to go through but this game doesn't look like its over yet. Give yourself a fighting chance here and while its hard, try to keep your spirits up. Go take care of yourself and treat yourself to something special (like a facial or a massage if your body can handle that) because you've been through a bit of a tough time lately.

Big hugs to you girl :)

Amy said...

STICKY -- 4-5 at 12mm is good! And the others aren't that far behind. It sounds like you are using a Cetrotide or Galirelix protocol, so those meds will hopefully let a few of the smaller ones catch up at the end. My last cycle I had 8 follies which they were happy with. I know it would be so nice to have 12-20 good ones to pick from, but remember it only takes one or two really good ones to make something happen.

Its good that you are trying to look at this cycle positively, and you are right in that they will gain a lot of information just from how it goes. And like you told me, they were starting from ground zero on your dosing because your IUI info wasn't helpful. So there was a steep learning curve for your RE.

Deep breaths, put your angst about your friend on hold, and just take care of yourself until the stim is done.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Im inspired by your calmness! I need that badly right now....AF has NOT showed her ugly face, so I may have to cancel this round and wait for a month...ARG. Sorry--didnt mean to go off on my issue....I just know that we both have not had smooth sailing the past few days, and Im just glad you are feeling better. I still hope that all is going to go REALLY well with the rest of this cycle--email to vent any time!

megan said...

glad to hear you are feeling a bit better.
is there any area of our lives that IF dosen't mess with??

Ms. Planner said...

Oh Sticky! I am SO SORRY that I have been offline while you have been having one helluva July (& NOT in a good way).

While I don't have any good advice for you on the IVF, all I can offer is comfort and some prayers.

I have no doubt that you will make it to the finish line after having kicked IFs ugly ass. Hang in there, k? Thinking of you...

Ms. Planner

Erin said...

Ugh, that is so frustrating. To be planning to drop that bomb on you is not cool. I'm glad you knew to stay away.

Do not sweat your follie count! 4 is totally workable! Any word on a dosage increase?


chicklet said...

This is totally like my friend that I commented on with regards to your last post - I was just so hurt that she wouldn't have told me when I'd specifically asked her to, WARNING that it would hurt more if I found out late or from someone else. I still get annoyed just thinking about it - fuck.

Re the new calm, I think I'm in the same place today. For me though I don't think it's about hope, it's just about accepting defeat and being ok with it (at least for today, tomorrow I shall be psycho again!).

Hang in there. Hopefully there's a stiff drink in your future...

Bumble said...

Of course you were hurt by it. Its just another kick in the face when you're struggling with IF that makes you feel alone. People don't want to share their news with you for fear of how you might react. Its unfair, but I guess they don't know what to say to us. We're all here to listen to you and we do understand. I had a war with my best friend over something very similar so I know how much it hurts.

Your follie count is good so don't worry too much, they are a nice size so far and the others still can catch up. Quality over quantity. You just never know what will happen. Hang in there sweetie x

Carrie said...

Sticky , I'm so sorry about your friend and how she has hurt you. She does seem truly thoughtless. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you but some people just don't get it. Even after being told. They just don't get it.
I can understand why you haven't told her all about you. You have to protect yourself too.

I'm really hoping this cycle is a goer. It sounds like things are going better. I'm cheering for you. You really deserve this x

Tam said...

Glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better, they don't lie when they say that IVF is like a rollercoaster! Try no to worry too much, thos follies may very well catch up!

I am sorry about your friend, it's really hard.

Thinking of you...HUGS XXX