Friday, August 10, 2007

Paranoia—it’s not just for breakfast anymore!

First, thank you for your well wishes and thoughts for hubby’s family. The funeral was, as you would expect, awful. It’s the second funeral for a suicide I’ve been to, and I have to say that this was awful for some similar (and obvious) and some very different reasons.

The first was awful because, well, suicide is awful. But, that one included a very beautiful service with a wonderful tribute to his life and family. And it was a full military funeral, complete with 21-gun salute, which was beautiful. (Yes, I bawled my EYES out incessantly, but it was a beautiful tribute to a beautiful man.)

This one was….well…just kind of strange. It didn't feel like the same kind of a tribute. In fact, his mother gave a eulogy during the service and she was just pissed. I know that anger is one of the stages of grief, but it just came off strange.

I know that you have to give the mother of the deceased full-reign to act however the hell she wants because I can’t even BEGIN to imagine how she’s feeling, but it’s definitely not what I expected. (In fact, I can’t even imagine speaking during a loved one’s funeral, let alone your 22 year old son.) No judgment--It was just hard to wrap my own mind around. And made it sort of clear that there was much more to the story than we'll ever know...

And, for a number of other reasons, there was just a strange gloom and doom that fell over the day. It’s tough to describe without going into too many details, but it just left a very strange feeling at the end of the day. And it just really made me feel sad for hubby’s cousin. And, I just hope that the family is able to find some peace at some stage, as hard as I know that's going to be so very hard for them.

In other news, I’m 6w1d today. I wish I could say that I felt great and zen about everything, but, well…you all know me better than that by now.

So, yes, I’m freaking out. I have virtually no symptoms, other than breast soreness. And, that means if my breasts are any less sore than they’ve been, I freak out. (Like this morning, for instance. I was able to roll over onto my stomach without flinching in pain. You’d think that’d be a good thing, right? No way. It just freaked me out and made me wish more than anything that I could have an ultrasound today. Or everyday, really.)

I guess I’m also exhausted, but really that could be due to any number of things. Like the fact that I had to drive 8 hours round trip to a heart-wrenching funeral Wednesday. Or that work has been so busy lately. Or that I’m just always tired.

And I know I should be glad I don’t have nausea—and I will, if everything turns out to be okay—but I just don’t feel right feeling fine, you know? I kept holding out hope that when I passed the magical 6w mark, I’d feel….something. But, still nada.

I really hope that has nothing to do with anything. You hear all the stories about how symptoms--especially nausea--are a great sign of a strong pregnancy. Then when you don't have them, it's scary. Hopefully I'm just lucky, but it’s just still so hard to believe that's going to be true.

So, I’ve still got a week and a half before our next ultrasound, and I need something else to pass the time. So, who's game for helping me change the subject? I’ve seen bloggers before open themselves up to “interview” questions. So if there’s anything you’ve always wanted to know about the life and times of Sticky, hubby, and our smooshy dogs, feel free to ask away. And if there are any questions, I’ll blog on them in future 2ww posts as a way of passing the time between now and the 20th.


Waiting Amy said...

Oooh, Oooh, I want to hear about the dogs. Maybe you've blogged on them before, but I'm a newbie. I love dog tales. LuLu (my d) is my sweetie and drives me crazy. Obviously, animals are a sweet spot for me.

Or any quirky hobbies? Ok, I'm out of ideas now. I'll think on it.

Stop worrying. With J I had very little nausea and not until after about 7 or 8 weeks. I think this is your time and things are going to be just fine.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Im so sorry you all had to go through that....I attended a suicide funeral of a friend in high school, it it was just so terrible...

Question for you:
What is your favorite comfort meal?

Kate said...

I hope everything is ok. My symptoms didn't start until my 6th week, so you could still have some fun times ahead!

megan said...

i'm sorry you and your family are having to go through this. it's simply terrible.

i too would love to hear about the doggies....i have a puppy and she is such a joy in our life.

i hope you get some reassurance soon on your sticky! :)

Amy R said...

Hi Sticky, I hope time passes by quick for your u/s! You'd better post the picture here!!! :)

Kelly said...

OH! I'm so sorry you and your family are dealing with a death by suicide! I can't imagine how awful that must be for his family, extended family and friends!! Saying prayers for peace! Did your hubby's cousin have problems that seemed insurmountable??

I'm 6w3d and only have nausea in the am when I first wake up and I saw the heartbeat yesterday so all is well!! I wish I had it all day!!!! I dont have much an appetite and my boobs are larger and sore. That's about all I have! Other than that, I feel uncomfortably normal! I wish I was hugging the bowl everyday!!

Blog Idea:
Tell me more about your hubby and your relationship and how you have dealt with all the ups and down of IF!! :)

Sarah said...

i didn't have anything more than the bionic sense of smell, general panic and paranoia and a major BLAH feeling most of the time, so i still think you're completely normal. plus it makes perfect sense that the funeral is dominating your thoughts now. how truly awful.

i'm biased as you know, but i'd like to know more about your time in DC. did you come for school? how long did you stay? did you leave for a job? to be near family? if you could live anywhere, where would it be?

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. It has been a tough time for that, and I have to say that funerals stink.

There's just no way around it.

Ms. Planner said...

I am so sorry to hear about the funeral. My cousin's funeral (also for the same reason) was one of the saddest experiences I have ever encountered.

I hope the fear subsides soon. Can your RE let you come in for a quickie u/s?

Post pictures of the dogs. I love seeing pictures of everyone's dogs.