Sunday, August 26, 2007

Scared...

That just about sums up how I feel right now. Scared. And kind of pissed. Scared because, thanks to Dr. Google, I know roughly how much a subch*rionic hemat*ma (SCH) increases my chances of miscarriage…or worse.

I was able to find two seemingly well-done studies that put my miscarriage risk around 20%. And I’m pissed because I was only able to bask in the glow of having seen the heartbeats for two days before my chances of miscarriage went right back up. Not to the point where it was initially, of course—which is good—but still. I was pretty excited about getting down to the less than 10% chances.

I’m also pissed because I have to be happy about this news. It is, after all, not nearly as bad as it could have been. And for that I am TRULY grateful. But, again, why is it that we infertiles are always left to feel good about the better of the bad news? When really all we want to know is why the fuck do we have to get bad news at all?

What’s more, the two studies I found said that there was only one factor that had a statistically significant impact on the outcome of the pregnancy. And that was the gestational age of the fetus at the time of the diagnosis. In one study, the outcome of the pregnancy was far better if the diagnosis happened after 8 weeks; in the other it was after 9 weeks.

I was 8 weeks to the day Thursday. That puts me on the worse end of the statistics. In both studies (though admittedly only marginally in one).

Fuck.

And on the fear thing, well now I’ve had a glimpse of how bad it’ll be if something does happen to this pregnancy. And it wasn’t pretty.

On Wednesday night, when I started spotting, I came out of the bathroom and just started to cry. I found hubby and I just sobbed into his chest and asked “WHY?!”

Then when I woke up in the middle of the night and had the bout of real, actual bleeding, the sobbing got worse. I just felt so sad and so empty and so scared. It just seemed so spectacularly unfair. And I cried some more.

Hubby keeps telling me he just thinks everything is going to be okay. And I so hope he's right. More than anything, I hope that this is just a story we can one day tell our children about how we worried about them right from the very beginning.

On our side, I haven’t had any bleeding since Wednesday night, and only had brown spotting for about a day afterwards. I’m hoping that that’s a good sign that maybe this is healing. (And I'm going to try to put out of my mind for now that, from what I’ve read, the size of the SCH and amount of bleeding isn’t as significant as the gestational age at diagnosis.)

The good news is that the modified bed rest has been going pretty well. My parents and hubby’s parents stopped by at different points this weekend to spend some time with us, which helped pass the time. And I think I’ll just work from home this week to be safe (though the doctor didn’t insist on it).

I have my first appointment with the high-risk ob/gyn on September 4th, and between now and then I’m hoping with all my might that this stupid thing just resolves itself by then so I can go back to being a "normal" pregnant infertile... You know, the one who worries about those regular pregnancy fears--that I still don’t have any real symptoms (nausea, etc.). That my breast soreness has all but gone away. That I just don’t feel pregnant.

*Sigh*

So, keep thinking of the stickies. And hope that this is just a blip in an otherwise uneventful pregnancy. (PLEASE just be a blip. Please?!)

15 comments:

Erin said...

I'm so glad you're going to work from home. I think you'll feel so much better that way. I'm sure September 4 seems like a long way from now, and I wish I had a way to distract you from your worry until then. I know this will just be a blip and you'll be wracking up brand new debt at Babies R Us in no time.

Stay strong and listen to your hubby! (And hang in there Stickies!!!)

xoxo

Adrienne said...

If you can, please talk to your doctor about these studies. Dr. Google is a boon to all of us armchair doctors out there, but it's also a bane, and it usually helps to have someone with specialized knowledge put it all in context for us.

Here's hoping that it resolves itself real soon so you can go back to worrying whether your boobs hurt enough ;-)

Amelia said...

Many many sticky thoughts for you.

Caro said...

hang in there stickies!

Becks said...

I am so hoping you will com eout of the other side of this with a smile on your face. Thinking of you x

TeamWinks said...

One of my good friends had this issue, and was on bed rest for most of her pregnancy. It had a happy ending. I only bring this up, because Dr. Google is a harsh ass who brings not much optimism! Put your trust in the doctors to bring you through to the other side. Thinking of you and the little ones.

Baby Blues said...

I know a lot of people who had this and carried to term healthy babies. Just take it easy and rest. 'Hold on tight little Stickies!'

Reproductive Jeans said...

Just take it easy and take care of you--this is the most important! Your stickies will love you for it=) I am thinking of you so very much--and dont rely TOO much on Dr. Google. He is evil.
Hugs to you my friend!

Waiting Amy said...

Oh Sticky, please remember those stats also say there is an 80% chance that things will be fine. I agree with others too, talk with your docs for additional context. You never know when the patient population is skewed or other issues.

Take it easy. Sending lots of sticky thoughts to the sticky buns! Virtual hugs for you!

Chris said...

I am definitely hoping and praying that this is just a tiny blip for you. I want nothing more for you than to be able to enjoy this pregnancy and bring home your babies.

Kelly said...

Think of this was...you have an 80-90% chance at success!! Those are GREEEEEEEEAT odds and one I know you'll be on the winning end of! Praying!! praying! Praying!!

CAM said...

Dr. Google can make us look for the Worst case scenario. So, you have to just listen to your doc who told you just to take it easy. You are doing everything you can to keep them safe! I also know a few women who have had these and now have beautiful babies!!
:)

Bumble said...

I'm praying for your little ones Sticky. You don't deserve this stress right now. I hope everything is okay from now on. Stay away from Dr. Evil (oops, I mean Dr. Google) - he can be a mean MF sometimes. Hang in there x

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

God, I hope everything is ok- I'm thinking of you!

How exciting that you have 2 little sticky buns in there!!!!!

Kim said...

Just came across your blog today. It's almost Sept 4 so good luck tomorrow! Hope the Stickies are doing well!