Friday, September 14, 2007

So far, so good...

It’s sort of amazing what 2.5 years of IF can do to a person. I mean, things seem to actually be going well with this pregnancy. And yet, I find it nearly impossible to believe.

Take today, for example. Today was our NT scan. It went really well. Better than I could have hoped. There was no clear evidence of the hemat*ma, the nuca*l fold was thin and well within the normal range, we saw the nasal bone—which is a great sign, particularly it’s early and you don’t always see it at 11w—we saw two beautiful heartbeats (one about 140 and one about 175), a 4-chamber heart on one of the stickies, the outline of the two hemispheres of the brain, hands and feet and cute little fingers. And you know what my take away from this was? Well, we still have two weeks left in the first trimester, so anything can happen.

While true, GOOD LORD! When did I become such a pessimist?

So, I got a little depressed as hubby and I were driving home. Not because I wasn’t thrilled and relieved about how everything was—I was thrilled and finally felt like I could exhale for the first time since my bleeding episode. Nope, I was depressed because this is what IF has taken away from us—the excitement and wonder of pregnancy. Rather than being excited and thrilled and making plans and buying some cute baby/maternity stuff, I’m paranoid and afraid to plan anything for next March or April. I just can’t seem to let my mind wander there. And that made me really sad.

So, as we were driving back, I told hubby I wanted to stop at B*bies-R-Us. I wasn’t going to buy anything—I’m not there yet—but I wanted to let myself think about what we might do if this pregnancy does indeed lead to two real, live babies. We didn’t go crazy, but we did look at cribs and cute nursery themes, and we let our imaginations wander for just a few minutes. And it felt really good.

Sure, it’ll be a while before I buy anything maternity-related, or before I let anyone buy us any gifts. But for today, I tried to let myself get used to the idea that, at least for now, I’m pregnant. With twins. And, so far, so good.

Wow.

16 comments:

Erin said...

Oh Stick - that is such awesome news. I hate that you're not able to fully enjoy it, but you'll get there. And I think your trip to BabiesRUs was a great idea. Just to get your mind in that realm a little bit. Congrats, Congrats, Congrats!!

I tried so hard to take your advide and wait until tomorrow, but I am weak. But, I'm also PREGNANT! So thankfully my afternoon delight (is one allowed to call POASing such a thing) didn't do me wrong.

Thanks for seeing me through all this!

xoxo

Adrienne said...

Yay! Congrats on the wonderful u/s results - that's fantastic.

And I'm sorry that IF is still taking things from you. I wish it were different, but we all have too much knowledge now. We know what can go wrong (and how often it does), and it's not fair. In this case, ignorance would be bliss.

But the fear will start to fade. It has to. Only to be replaced by the fear that every parent feels for their child(ren). And that continues until they put us in the ground! ;-)

anna said...

Congrats on the NT scan...awesome! I feel like I could have written the exact same post because I'm feelin every word you just wrote. Hey, the bright side is that you're not alone in the way you feel...I feel EXACTLY the same way! I'm hopin our optimism starts to pick up as we start showing and get further along...we'll see, right?!

Kelly said...

If you're reading my blog, I wrote almost the exact same post a few days ago!! It's sad that we can't enjoy it like others, but we will appreciate it so much more as well. Getting the home doppler really helped me feel better and take day by day. DH and I started talking about the nursery plans and it felt really good and scary! I can so relate with you, but they do say your chances are down to 1% after 10 weeks so I keep replaying that in my head daily! We started this whole journey with a 30% success rate so now we're up to 99%! I like those odds!! Hang in there a few more weeks! I'm praying for you and your babes!!

chicklet said...

I'm glad it went so well and the twins are fine. Seriously, twins, yayyyy! Hang in there, it'll get better eventually.

Leah said...

I'm thrilled for you that the scan went well. I will send a thousand prayers and hugs your way to help you through (at least) the next 2 weeks.

Sarah said...

oh my gosh, you ARE pregnant with twins!! congratulations!!!

its almost like for infertiles, you get the find out the good news again and again! even if you don't 100% believe it. and even though it's hard to soak it in and leave the worry behind, i do think we sort of appreciate it more. you made it into BRU waaaay sooner than i did, good for you!

Barb said...

I'm still finding all these new and wonderful blogs...

I'm afraid of those feelings after pregnancy too! I've only lost one early on, but it completely shattered any remaining vestiges of confidence I may have had in carrying a baby to term.

Congrats to you though! And may i saw that seeing that word, "Sticky bun" always makes me want to run to my local bakery? I know that's not what it means, but MAN am I a sweets addict.

Stacie said...

First off, congratulations on the good news of the nt scan. It is a huge relief to pass that hurdle! (I was facinated by the nasal bone thing, too!)

Wow, I just found your blog and I have to tell you that I have had the same feelings. I am trying to lose that feeling that the other shoe is waiting to drop at any minute and I'll lose all of this. I have wished to be one of those people who never have to worry about the possibilities of what can happen. I know I appreciate being pregnant (and the complications), but sometimes...

Sigh.

I wish you continued good fortune in this pregnancy! May you pass each milestone with flying colors, too!

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am thrilled that everything is going so well.

megan said...

i'm thrilled to hear that the scan went well. it's such great news. it *is* sad what IF has taken away...i'm glad you stopped at the baby store, even if you just looked. it's a good first step!

Ms. Planner said...

Hi Sticky, I really hate it, too, that you are not fully able to enjoy it. Because, after all you have been through, you SO deserve to revel in this.

When we live with so much pessisism and realism, it is almost like we have to re-train ourselves to look at life differently. The trip to BabiesRUs was a step in that new direction for you.

Congrats on all of the good news from the scan, etc. I moved you to a "new" section on my blog listing. It's official!

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

Seriously great news. Soon, you're just going to have to own the idea.

You're pregnant, and that's awesome.

Anns said...

Baby steps honey, baby steps.
You'll get there. I'm sorry IF has robbed you of this but just think of how much more grateful you'll be when that big day finally comes next year.

xo Anns

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

Oh my goodness! I SO get your thoughts. I too feel like such a pessimist and I get angry at myself for not being as excited as I could be. I can't seem to get over the feelings of worry. I'm glad you went to Babies R Us. I haven't bought anything yet but sometimes I like to fondle the soft baby stuff and enjoy what I have been blessed with-then I walk away, afraid I'll jinx it.

Tam said...

Hey there, just checking in on you, you've been very quiet, hope that everything is okay...