Thursday, October 18, 2007

On Moose and Pregnancy

For reasons I can’t fully explain, my whole adult life I’ve wanted to see a real, live moose. Up close and in person. Moose sort of fascinated me—they seemed so huge and like they should be so scary, but they’re really just dopey animals that amble around harmlessly. And, did I mention they’re HUGE? With really skinny legs that barely hold them up? I mean, who wouldn’t want to see that in real life?

So, two weekends ago, hubby and I went up to New Hampshire for the weekend to visit hubby’s sister and brother-in-law. As we were driving up, I remarked at how cool it would be to see a moose. And, miraculously, we did! We were just driving down the street and there was a moose on the side of the road. We pulled over to get a better look and saw him just ambling around munching on leaves, staring at all of us like the fools we are.

But then, as we got into the car, I felt almost a little lost. Here was something I’d been talking about for so long. Something that had taken on an almost mythical status in my mind. And all I could think as we were driving away was, well…now what?

Then, as I was falling asleep last night, I realized that, while obviously so fundamentally different in magnitude of importance, there were some similarities between my moose sighting and my newfound pregnancy. You see, pregnancy had certainly risen to the level of myth in my mind—it seemed like something so unattainable that I would spend my life in pursuit. And my life had become so much about the pursuit that now I feel a little lost, wondering, now what?

And, of course the “now what” conversation about pregnancy is obviously so huge and carries so many plans and hopes and dreams that it seems even scarier to think about. And I’m realizing in a very real way that all that time I was in pursuit, I never really let myself think about what I’d do if I actually got pregnant…and brought home a real, live baby.

And so now it still feels too soon to think too far ahead, even though I realize that's beginning to border on the ridiculous. Not allowing myself to think of life with baby(ies) was what got me through the pursuit. And now I feel a little like my friend the moose. I feel like I’m ambling around mindlessly just staring blankly at all of the fools* who think I should actually be thinking about cribs and registering and all of the “now what” things for which I know in my head I should start to plan someday in the not-too-distant future.

What’s more—and I know bloggers far more eloquent than I have talked about this before—but I really don’t feel like I fit into the pregnant club. And I know that I no longer fit into the trying club. And so my silence is brought on more from a place of not knowing how I’m supposed to feel or what I should say. It’s not that I don’t have things to say, it’s just that I still feel a little lost. You’d think I’d be better able to get used to this by now, no?

But, I’m 16 weeks today. 16 weeks! I remember looking at the tickers of my fellow infertile but pregnant bloggers who got up to 16 weeks and thinking, “wow. You’ve made it so far!”

But for me, it still feels early. I mean, I can’t bring myself to put a ticker up. Isn’t that ridiculous!? I mean—according to some books—I’ve entered my FIFTH month. FIFTH. What the hell am I waiting for?


I guess it just continues to amaze me to this day how infertility has affected me. And how I’m still struggling to heal the wounds, and wondering if they’ll ever really go away, or weather they’ll live on (less obviously, I hope) as sometimes painful reminders of how our journey was so. much. different. from so many others and from what it “should” have been.

On a happier note, though, I am 16 weeks. I mean, on some level, wow. F’ing 16 weeks! And, the time has mercifully started to go by more quickly. For the first twelve weeks, I can honestly say that I checked in on websites and tickers everyday to see how far along I was, even though I already knew. And every day felt like an entire week. But now, it feels a little less desperate. (That work has been INSANELY busy has helped a bit, I suppose. But I’ll save that drama for a different post…)

I am also officially in maternity clothes. None of my old clothes fit. At all. Which terrifies me just a bit…I mean, with twins, I’m going to get HUGE, huh?

And, my sleeping has started to feel a little less comfortable, so I have erected a bit of a pillow fort around me so that I can prop myself up (and stop from sleeping on my back—which had always been my favorite way to sleep before, but now makes me feel a little weird). I think hubby’s afraid if I get any bigger he’ll get kicked out of the bed entirely. I can’t say his fear is unfounded. I mean, damnit, I need my sleep. J

Also, just to throw a monkey wrench into all of those textbook pregnancy symptoms, I had a virtually symptom-free first trimester. No nausea, very little breast soreness (other than right at the very beginning), not much going on. Now, in my second trimester—the time when they say you’re supposed to feel your best—I feel pretty crappy. The “digestive issues” as I like to call them have gotten worse. Now I have to eat very specific combinations of foods or I feel crappy (nauseous and constipated). Good times… And for some reason, some foods that I’ve always eaten don’t sit well with me. Like I can’t have cereal in the morning anymore, I have to have protein. If I don’t I feel sick for the rest of the day. Isn’t that weird?

Oh, and while I did flirt with the idea of renting a Doppler, I’ve resisted the temptation. And I’m glad I did. I was able to hear the heartbeats once at my last doctor’s appointment two weeks ago, and it was very cool. But I know myself well enough to know that having one of those magical machines in my house would do nothing but promote obsession. Something I’m trying (with some success) to avoid.

Anyhow…that’s the update from SB-land. I have my next doctor’s appointment on the 1st and the anatomy scan on the 9th. I’m really looking forward to that scan. It will be good to get another look at the stickies and I hope everything will look great. And, after that, I just might have to think about doing some “now what” planning… But, for now, know that I’m reading all of your blogs all of the time.

And if I’m quiet it’s only that I’m still struggling to find my voice given my new circumstances. J

*I realize these people aren’t foolish. They’re right. But, damnit, I don’t think I was foolish to stop and watch the moose either.


serenity said...

Honestly? You wrote exactly how I feel too. Including the symptom free first tri and how I feel crappier now than I did back then. and the Doppler thing. And the feeling like I don't really "fit in." And I'll be 16w in like 2 days.

Are we the same person?


Oh. Right. I'm pregnant with a singleton. Not twins. :)

Let's just say you're not alone. And though we DID register, in fact (mostly because my mom and MIL made me do so) - it seemed more an exercise in theory then me dreaming about what I'm actually going to bring home.

I don't know when it will settle in and become real. I'm hoping that at least it will feel more real when I walk through my front door with our baby in my arms. Maybe?

You're doing great - 16 weeks is good news! :)

JJ said...

Glad you are doing well, SB--always good to "see" you!
Hope that you continue to enjoy 16 weeks and beyond!

Waiting Amy said...

So glad to hear you are okay -- even if you think you've lost your voice. Everyone gets over laryngitis.

Happy you and the stickies are doing well!

anna said...

I hear ya loud and clear, sister! The not fitting in, feeling a bit lost, and avoiding the future planning as well as the getting bigger by the day business...right back at ya on all of those. I'm glad you posted- I was getting worried about you!

Coffeegrl said...

I'm happy for you that you didn't have to endure the miseries of the 1st trimester. You're 16 weeks! Yay!

Ms. Planner said...

Um, can I just cut-and-paste your posts from the past couple of months into my blog? Really, I mean the thoughts are practically the same and you are a much better writer...

At this point, and assuming I get there (and not that I EVEN think about these things), I wouldn't be surprised to findy myself standing at the hospital nursery window in June thinking, "wow, how cool would it be if one of those were mine?"

Diana said...

So glad you got to see your moose! Very cool!!!!

Yay for 16 weeks, that is a huge milestone!!! Congrats to you!

chicklet said...

Moose are very very cool huh? So wobbly and weird? Glad to hear re 16 weeks though - that's fabulous.

Tam said...

I'm glad that everything is still going well,I think about you a lot.

I think I understand how you feel, it seems strange but I think it's pretty normal for us IF's to react like this, it's just the depth that varies..

Wow, 16 weeks hey...where is the time going? For the record, I don't think you strange for stopping to see the moose, I would have too, you need to enjoy the little things that life has to offer!

Love and hugs xxx

Belly Laughs said...

My friend (who now has a baby after IF and multiple IVF attempts) said "I'm still infertile, just a pregnant infertile person." That is how I often feel. And being pregnant with triplets is daunting and basically it screams to the world that you suffered IF (which can be hard when you worked so hard at keeping it private from everyone for so long). Anyway, I think as time goes on and you continue to grow and the babies continue to thrive, you will be able to get excited and embrace being pg and really welcoming your stickies home. Moose are crazy too. I came face to face with one on a hike and was scared to death at how HUGE they are!! Congrats on 16 weeks.

Sarah said...

first of all, good to hear from you!!! congratulations on 16 weeks!

you know i already know EXACTLY what you mean, and in my case anyway, i still feel the same way even with a potential induction looming possibly in the next two weeks. it still seems a little crazy toimagine that I will have a baby after all those years of turning off that part and focusing as you say on the pursuit.

but you know, i'm really not worried. i have no doubt that when i see the real live baby (assuming such event takes place (see, i still can't help myself) i have no doubt that i will have all the normal feelings and emotions. i'm just still not ready for them yet.

in a weird way, i think it's actually making it easier for me to enjoy being pregnant here at the end, as opposed to so many people i know who were in this great rush to be done with it and meet their baby. i'm still saying to myself "holy cow, i'm pregnant!" whenever i see my reflection, and for most fertiles that got old ages ago. this alleged baby will get here when she gets here. and no doubt it will be all too real then.