Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Remembering

Today is December 4. Had my first clinically recognized pregnancy gone differently, today we would be our baby’s first birthday.

I remember passing this milestone last year and feeling particularly sad, desperate, and lost. I can still remember how raw the pain felt, and how December 4th brought that pain to the surface in a way it hadn’t been since right after the miscarriage. I can remember talking to hubby in the month or two before the 4th and saying that I just didn’t know what I was going to do if we weren’t pregnant by the time our “due date” passed. I can remember one particularly painful conversation in the days leading up to the 4th. I was expressing the desperation I was feeling, and I think it was just getting to be too much for him. He was beginning to feel the pressure of the last pre-due date cycle and he was telling me that I was basically overreacting and I needed to get over it. Needless to say, we had a big fight about it. (Funny that I brought this up the other day and he has no recollection of it. Ah, to be a man sometimes…)

Of course, last year’s due date came and went with no two pink lines. And exactly one week later, this blog was born.

I guess, in some ways, starting this blog was my way of "getting over it." It was clear from that conversation with hubby not that he didn’t or couldn’t understand, but that we processed all of this so very differently. And I just needed an outlet to work through my thoughts.

It’s probably cliché, but I didn’t and couldn’t possibly have realized at the time what a profound impact having this blog would have on my struggle with infertility. It’s all of you who have helped me feel connected through some of the darkest days and some of the biggest disappointments. And it’s you who have helped me keep my feet grounded and my hopes up when I needed to remember that all was not lost. And it’s really made me realize that one of the most empowering things you can find when you’re struggling with something is someone who can patently and honestly say to you, "I know exactly how you feel."

And the truth is, since I’ve gotten pregnant—-or at least since I’ve settled into this pregnancy a bit—I haven’t known how to talk on this blog anymore or what to do with it. It’s been strange and something I think you know I’ve been struggling with. It’s just that I’ve been trying so hard not to say something that comes across as insensitive—-I feared doing the blogging equivalent of putting a giant inflatable stork on my front yard. You know, the kind of thing that seems like it’s just fun and harmless—-no doubt what my neighbors thought last December 4th—-but something that could end up causing pain to someone else.

(Of course, as is frequently the case when you use avoidance techniques, I fear that my silence or attempts to dance around something for which so many of you are still struggling has ended up being more insensitive in the end.)

So, on this December 4th, I want to take a moment to remember. I want to remember everything that we’ve been through that’s brought us to where we are now because, for better or worse, who I am today is a product of where I’ve been and what I’ve been through. And I want to remember the baby that might have been.

But mostly, I want to remember the reason I started this blog to begin with—-to find an outlet for my thoughts and struggles and to share those with a community of wonderful women (and men) who can truly understand how tenuous even the most "boring" pregnancy can feel to an infertile.

And, I want you to know that I think of you all the time—but especially when I go shopping and the only spot that’s left is the lot is the "parking for expectant mothers" spot and I just refuse to take it. (I still hate those damn things. They’re right up there with inflatable storks in their insensitivity, as far as I’m concerned.)

Thanks, ladies, for making the past year tolerable! And for virtually sticking with me despite all of my quirks. :-)

And, speaking of remembering--don't forget to pop by and wish Becks and Amy good luck. Both have their retrievals tomorrow and could use a wonderful holiday surprise!

9 comments:

Waiting Amy said...

Sticky, it is always good to hear from you and I don't think you would EVER say something insensitive. I love to hear how you are and wish you could feel safe enough to share whatever is going on with your pregnancy. You fought hard to get here and deserve to feel whatever your heart feels.

Hope we will hear from you more often! Thanks for the shout out!

E said...

Hey Chicky, I'm thinking of you today. So glad you found the blogosphere and that I found you in it!

I do wonder, however, how long you'll hold out on the expectant mothers parking. In a few months you may need it! Actually at that point, just have someone else do your shopping.

Sarah said...

i really DO know exactly how you feel! i'm so right there with you (as i know you already know). and thank YOU for being such an important part of all of this for me. :)

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Right there with you on being afraid of insensitivity.

JJ said...

You are so sweet...and such a great representative of this community. PLEASE keep on blogging=)
I am sorry that the 4th of Dec is a painful day to think about- I appreciate that you always will remember the feelings of the journey, but just so glad you are going to be celebrating the birth of your children soon!
Many hugs to you!

Becks said...

It is sad that the 4th Dec was not a happier day for you but I am glad you started your blog.

Please do not feel scared to share the details of your pregnancy, it's hard to explain but someone who has 'done the time' can talk all they want about their pregnancy, they deserve it. I never feel anything other than happiness that they made it through to the other side and I enjoy reading the stories from pregnant IF sisters.

Thanks so much for your thoughts....you are an angel x

sushilover said...

Hi there Sticky,
You don't know me but I follow your blog regularly and appreciate it for being one of the hopeful blogs out there. :) I just wanted to let you know that as I approach my due date anniversary (Dec. 28) with no pregnancy to be had, I will be thinking about your comments especially in this last post. I like you were 1 year ago, am approaching this anniversary with dread, and quite frankly these past few days have wondered how I will get through this. But as you said in your post, it's something that just needs to be dealt with and worked through and that there is a very real possiblity that I will not have a positive before that date...but more importantly that even if I don't, I will be okay and it won't mean that I necessarily will never see that positive. Thanks for pointing out the obvious. Sometimes it just takes someone else's thoughts to hit home. And with that said I would also like to say that I am happy that your blog was started a year ago. Thank you for sharing your story.

Chris said...

What a difference a year makes . . . and you have handled everything with such grace and class.

megan said...

i know what you mean about not knowing how to blog anymore...i'm even at more of a loss on how or when to comment. i fear people then clicking over to my blog and getting sad... it's a conundrum.