Saturday, March 31, 2007

Weekend Update...

First, the review I mentioned Thursday, was a total fucking train wreck. From start to finish. I can’t even get into the details, because I’ll get SO angry. But, this guy is uncollaborative, uncooperative, completely resistant to feedback, and just generally negative. And, he won’t engage in a real dialogue about his behavior. And, he’s going to do everything in his power to make things M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E for as long as he’s here. Which hopefully won’t be too much longer.

Second, I had another ulatrasound and bloodwork today. Looks like I’ve got one mature follie, and one semi-mature (my word, not the RE’s—it was like 13x14 or something like that). So, I triggered tonight. Of course I forgot to give myself the shot until 9:30 again. Fuck. What is my problem with that??

The one weird thing was that the nurse told me that my estrogen dropped today. I guess that could be an indicator of impending ovulation? I didn’t get to talk to her, so I don’t know whether that’s a particularly bad sign. But, here’s hoping it’s not…

So, IUI #3 tomorrow and Monday.

Here we go again…

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Bored Beyond Belief

Last week, I asked rhetorically whether anyone else was bored with this whole IF thing. Well, let me tell you—I’ve gone from mild boredom to full-on ennui. Even my nightly gona1-f ritual has gotten boring. The shots don’t even faze me in the least. (So much so that I almost forgot to give myself my shot on Monday.) And, going in for monitoring has become so commonplace. I just pencil it in and go about my day. I don’t even care if hubby comes anymore because I’m so used to it. (I used to want him there.) I know all the nurses there now. We’re on a first name basis. I know when it’s busy and when it’s slow. I know the routines. I know to bring a book on Saturdays because they’re always behind. Bo-ring.

So, because I’m ungodly boring right now, you should check out Bumble and Tam, who both had great posts this week that are well worth reading about how quickly this all becomes comfortable and, even though we’re all desperate to get to the “other side,” we’re a bit afraid of what we’ll happen/how we’ll feel when we do. I so feel that. It feels like we won’t have the right to all of those feelings of apprehension and fear and frustration. Even if we know in our heads we can still have those feelings, it feels strange when you’ve tried so hard for so long to make it happen.

But, mostly, during this pre-IUI part of the month, I’m just feeling like I’m stuck in a rut, and I’m bored.

Thankfully, I have a ridiculous amount of work stress to keep me busy. (That’s got to be good for this process, huh?) Among other things, I have to give an annual review to a member of my team tomorrow that I already know is not going to go well. I’m not going to be rating him highly, and he’s going to freak out. (He’s already contacted an attorney and we haven’t even had the review yet.) So, really, good times all around.

Oh, and I’m turning 32 in about a month. Do you remember when 32 sounded ANCIENT? I thought we’d be getting around in flying cars and eating freeze dried food. (Hell, I remember when 25 sounded ancient. HA!) But, I’ve decided I’m not taking this next birthday lying down. In the spirit of taking control of that over which we have no control, I’ve decided that if I’m not knocked up by early May, I’m sticking at 31 until further notice. After all, they say younger eggs are better anyway.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Losing my mind, one shot at a time...

I have a terrible short-term memory. Always have. When I was a kid, my parents would routinely call me into the room to do something, and I’d completely forget that they asked about 30 seconds after I talked to them. Like walking the dog, for example. This would happen all the time. My mom or day would call me, or call me into the room: “Sticky Bun, don’t forget to take the dog out!”

“Okay,” I’d say, and walk away, ostensibly to take the dog out. And I’d really mean to. But then the phone would ring, or I’d see a shiny penny or something, and I’d quite literally forget. It would drive my parents bonkers. They would get so mad because they thought I was being really disrespectful. How could I possibly forget? They just told me, for peet’s sake!

I don’t blame them for thinking I was just ignoring them. It’s ridiculous, after all. How can you forget something so simple so soon after you were asked? Especially when you’re otherwise a fairly highly functioning person?

And, to add to their suspicion, I have an amazing long-term memory. I can remember the oddest, most specific details of conversations I had when I was three—what I was wearing, what my mom’s hair looked like, what she said, what I said. Vividly. As if it just happened yesterday. Yet, I can’t remember to walk the dog 30 seconds after I’m asked. It’s a very strange phenomenon.

How is this all relevant? Here’s how: I forgot to take my gona1-f shot tonight. Here I am, it’s 9:24, and I was supposed to take it between 5:00 and 9:00. !!!! How could I possibly forget? I can’t seem to think about anything other than cycling every other second of the day. But for some reason, I can’t remember to take the fucking shot when I need to. And, I wasn't doing anything. There's not even anything captivating on TV to take my attention. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

I assume that 25 minutes doesn’t really make a difference—if I’ve learned anything from this experience, it’s that this is not an exact science. But still, let’s pull it together, Sticky Bun! Just because it's your third IUI in less than 3 months doesn't mean you can start to slack off, now.

Sheesh.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Ms. Brightside

It's been an eventful few days. First, on Thursday evening, spotting gave way to full-on AF. I called the doctor on Friday, and got a call back saying we should just move on to the next IUI cycle; did we feel ready for that? Emphatically, yes.

But, I wanted to get to the bottom of a few things first. Like, can someone explain why my cycle was only 22 days, and are they certain I didn't ovulate on my own before the trigger (and thus waste the entire IUI)? The nurse was speechless. "Um, that's a great question. Let me talk to the Doctor." When I got a call back, they basically said that I might be on to something. So, this month they're going to reduce my Gona1-f dose and track my LH. (Why don't they track that anyway? Doesn't it seem like an important detail?)

So, I just got back from my day 3 scan and bloodwork. The scan looked great--ute is nice and thin again, and there were no cysts (wahoo!). So, I'm waiting to get a call back with my instructions, but assume I'll be starting my injections tonight. After the IUI, I think I'd also like them to track my progesterone, just to be sure that looks fine. But, we'll cross that bridge...

Looking on the bright side, by potentially screwing up my last IUI cycle, thus creating the shortest "month" ever, doc may have inadvertantly given me one last chance for a 2007 baby. If this IUI cycle worked out, my "due date" would be right around Christmas. So, there you have it. One last chance for a Christmas stork. And, I'm going to go ahead and let hope in because damnit, I'm hopeful. Things look good today. And we're going to track everything. And, damnit, we're going to get pregnant! (Well, I hope we are, anyway.)

PS: this newfound optimism may be shortlived. I flip flop back and forth between optimism and cynicism at the drop of a hat these days. But, for now, hopeful and optimistic.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

No inflatible Christmas storks for me...

Starting spotting this afternoon. It's fucking CD22 (10dpiui #2). What the hell is that all about?!

If I weren't so bitter and cynical, I'd be scouring the internet looking up "implantation bleeding" right now. I'm not for two reasons: One, I think we're all past that point by now. And two, if it did happen to be implantation bleeding, then this month would be WAY too much like last March.

Good lord, is anyone else bored of this fucking infertility thing? Universe, I'm ready to move on to the next challenge. I so feel like I'm replaying the same cycle over and over again since our miscarriage. Only now, the sex on demand has been replaced with hubby doing his business in a cup and inserting a catheter into my uterus. Glorious. At least I used to get an org*asm out of the deal.

Humpf.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Déjà vu all over again

One year ago this month, hubby and I got pregnant for the first and only time. We had been trying for just under a year, and this was our second cycle since closing on our new house.

It was a strange experience from the beginning, though. First, I had already written the cycle off. I had gotten what I thought was AF. I was sad when she came, but thought, okay, we’re getting close to the year mark, I really need to start being more proactive. I bought the Cl*earBl*ue fert*ility monitor and it was coming in the mail. And I bought a bunch of OPKs in case the monitor didn’t come in time for the cycle.

And, for reasons I still can’t fully explain, I bought one HPT.

One week after what I thought was AF, I took both an OPK and an HPT. Both came back positive. I was shocked and confused and ecstatic all at once. We called a doctor—not our doctor, because we actually didn’t even have one yet in our new place. I explained to them that I got a BFP today, but had been bleeding before, so was confused and concerned. They saw me the same day for a blood draw and ultrasound, which was wonderful.

Nothing showed up on the ultrasound, which the doctor explained was perfectly normal; I was only around 5 weeks, and we wouldn’t expect to see anything until about 6. We got our first beta—121. We took our second two days later and it was 544. Hurrah! We were actually pregnant and everything seemed to be doubling as it should. I had no reason to expect anything but 9 months followed by the birth of a healthy baby in early December.

Later that week, I started spotting. Not much, just a little. Then a little more.

I called the doctor, and he said there was nothing we could really do; we just needed to wait until the ultrasound and see what happened.

He could tell almost immediately that that wasn’t the right answer for me. I need to do something. Anything. But, I couldn’t just sit idly by and wait. So, he suggested another beta.

It came back around 120.

Hubby and I were devastated, but optimistic. We had at least gotten pregnant. Early miscarriages happen all the time. We’d get pregnant again. And, we’d be at least well on our way to having a baby by the time early December rolled around.

I was really good at keeping that optimistic outlook for a good long while. Until at least New Year’s. To be sure, every month that went by was hard—and they got harder and harder. By August we made our first appointment with our RE, and he said nothing appeared to be wrong. We just had to be patient.

So we were.

December was the hardest month for me. Every month that went by before that I just kept saying, “as long as I’m pregnant by Christmas, this will all be okay. It will have taken a while, and that will have been hard, but as long as I don’t have to face our due date and the holidays with BFN after BFN, it’ll all be fine.

Obviously, in December we weren’t pregnant. And, to make matters worse, a neighbor of ours had her baby on our exact “due date,” December 4. To celebrate, they put a giant inflatable light-up stork in their front yard, and I had to walk by it everyday for a month when I walked my dog. I always felt like it was mocking me, and I joked to my friends that the neighbors were going to find its giant blue and white carcass on their front steps if it wasn’t taken down by New Years.

So, now, here we are. It’s been 15 cycles and one full year since our last pregnancy. I’m much more cynical and jaded than I was last March. And I hate that that’s what IF has done to me. Last march, we were so optimistic and hopeful. And, now, like the blue and white stork, I feel like hope is mocking me. And I wonder: if we do get pregnant, will it lead to another heartbreaking spring? Or, if we don’t get pregnant, how will I feel this December when, a year older and even more cynical, we still have no baby to celebrate?

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Family friendly benefits

This morning during one of our general staff meetings, our COO presented the details of our new organizational family leave policy. And, I have to say, by US standards, I’m really impressed. We are a growing start-up, and at the outset, we had short-term disability, which covers about 60% if your salary (up to $1,000) for 6 weeks. That’s certainly better than nothing, but, they’ve actually raised the bar even higher. Now, women who give birth are given 100% of their pay for 6 weeks if they’ve been working at the organization for 1-3 years, 7 weeks for 3-6 years, and 8 full weeks for more than 6 years. What’s more, you don’t have to apply your vacation days to the maternity leave, and we get three weeks paid leave each year. That means that you can put together the equivalent of 9-11 weeks of full pay after the birth of a child, depending on how long you’ve been with the orgainzaation. And, fathers/partners are given one week of full pay after the birth of a child.

What’s even more impressive is that these family leave benefits also apply to couples who choose to adopt, so that the primary caregiver can take 6-8 weeks of paid leave after the adoption of a child.

I’m especially impressed with the adoption benefits. I think that many organizations choose to overlook adoption in their family and medical leave policies, and I’m really happy to be working with an organization that values parenthood in all its forms.

In other news, all this talk of maternity leave isn’t helping my 2ww. All I could think about during the meeting today was, “so, if I were pregnant right now, I would be due in early December, which would mean I could take paid leave with my triplet boys over the holidays for all of December and January and even part of February…”

Dangerous, dangerous thinking.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

A propos of nothing...

Last night, I wrote an excessively long post (which I ultimately decided to spare you from) about a ridiculous fight hubby and I had about my MIL. I'll spare you the details and summarize:

Me: "Your mom is crazy."

Hubby: "Should we order pizza?"

Me: "I don't want MIL to come over and wreck havoc on our house tomorrow with her new super-powered industrial carpet cleaner."

Hubby: "With pepperoni, did you say?"

Me: "Aaaarrrggghh! It's like you don't even hear me!!!"

Hubby: "Huh?"

I'm paraphrasing, of course, but that's the essence.

In other news, I couldn't be happier that this 2ww coincides with the NCAA tournament. I've been watching for four days straight and am happy as a clam. Sure, my bracket is a disaster and I'm clearly going to lose in the three pools I entered, but whatever. It's fun and gives me something else to obsess about, which is great.

Of course, my blissful weekend of basketball was interrupted somewhat by a comedy of errors this morning. Again, for your benefit, I'll summarize: got woken up at 8am by the dog who was throwing up. He proceeded to throw up all over the house for the next two hours until something blue came out. Goooood times. Then, while trying to shovel the 6 inches of snow and ice we broke our only shovel and ended up spending $300 on a snowblower. (I'm now officically a suburbanite....and I'm not sure how I feel about it.)

But, the good news is that MIL canceled on us and didn't end up bringing her industrial powered carpet cleaner to shampoo our rugs. I assure you this was an excellent development.

So, all in all, I think I'm holding up pretty well 5dpiui--at least compared to 1dpiui when I was already starting to lose my mind.

I should also mention, though, that hubby has decided that we are preggers. I asked him the other day, "What are the chances we're pregnant this month?" I actually ask him that question every month without fail, and he always tells me "52%," which I think is a spectacular cop-out. It allows him to appear optimistic without really overcommiting. But, this month he said, "100%. Take it to the bank."

He did however say that we should order our next Gon*al-F pen, you know, just in case. Coward.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Shuffling away the day...

Sarah from For the Flavor decided to put together a little game to help pass the time during the 2ww. Given that I started obsessing almost before the wait even began, I welcome anything that keeps my mind off things. So, here's the deal:

"What you do is set your music player to shuffle. Skip through your randomized playlist, and each consecutive song that comes up is the answer to the following questions in order."

Here are my answers. Some of them turned out to be quite funny (see #3), others just downright random (see #8). But, the "answer" to the final question (#10) just speaks for itself. And, I promise, that is what legitimately came up. Draw your own conclusions.

Enjoy!

1. The song for the you that existed before you ever thought about your fertility:
Learning to Fly (Tom Petty)

2. Would you really want to go back and be that person again?
When Love Comes to Town (U2)

3. The song for when you first started fertility treatments:
Get Busy (Sean Paul)

4. What did infertility do to your sex life?
The Boxer (Simon and Garfunkel)

5. What about superstitions and fertility rituals?
Good Riddance (Time of your life) Green Day (This would be a better answer to: "What would you say if you ever finally got pregnant?" But still, kind of made me chuckle.)

6. How about "alternative" treatments, from cough syrup and pineapple to accupuncture and 'body workers'?
None of Your Business (Salt N Pepa)

7. How do you feel about coming out of the IF closet?
T’es Beau, Tu Sais, Edith Piaf (I'm kind of a French geek, what can I say?)

8. Your song for other people's baby showers:
Last Christmas (Wham!) (Yeah, that’s right. I have Wham! on my iTunes. What of it?)

9. What about our scary friend hope?
Mr. Jones (Counting Crows)

10. And lastly, the theme song of your fertility journey:
Among the songs I have on my iPod, I also have a bunch of audio clips from movies, etc. Silly things really. But, I kid you not, the answer to #10 was the following Yoda clip: “No. Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

And, that’s all I have to say about that…

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Hope...she's a tricky mistress

One thing that I should have made clear yesterday--which probably goes without saying--is that I'll take *any* positive pregnancy test (that sticks). Bring on the twins! Or the triplets! (Although the idea, however remote, of triplets does scare the bejeezes out of me. I mean, they outnumber you. Right out of the gate! And, where does the third one go at feeding time? It's all quite terrifying.) But, of course, given our track record, I'll take it. Any of it.

And, actually, all these thoughts of triplet boys brings up another point: That I'm even joking about triplet boys again shows that hope has crept back in. I try to beat her down...mostly because I don't like to feel foolish and disappointed every CD1. But, with my lining looking as promising as it did, and the follicles maturing right on schedule, it seems like we've got as good a chance as any to get the elusive second line.

Of course, since we're unexplained, I suppose you could argue that we always have a decent chance...a lot of good that's done us so far...

But, back to hope. I was catching up on some of my blog reading, and I was really struck by what Serenity Now! posted yesterday. Essentially, she's let herself daydream and hope again this cycle. And she's terrified of it. And, I so feel that. So far, things look reasonably promising this cycle. And so I desperately want to think of decorating a nursery or telling my parents or taking maternity leave. (And not just because I also desperately need a vacation.)

But, I always worry that if I let myself think good thoughts, I'll just have farther to fall when (if?) AF comes to town.

All this, and I'm ONE DAY post IUI. ONE DAY! I still have THIRTEEN to go.

This is going to be one long-ass 2ww...

Monday, March 12, 2007

Murphy's Law

We had our second IUI today and the doc asked if anyone had explained the risks of multiple pregnancies. "Not this round particularly, why?" I asked. "Because you likely have two and possibly three eggs that will ovulate this month, which increases the risks of twins, and possibly triplets."

Hubby and I had a good laugh about that. Here we are doing everything in our power right every month and we can't seem to get pregnant with one, and here the doc is telling me I'm at risk of two or three. Laugh, laugh.

Then, I had a conversation with a good friend of mine after work today and told her the story. We had a good laugh for a minute, and then I explained that the doc was really trying to let me know that, if there were three, they would probably recommend selective reduction for one.

Now, I'm not really open to selective reduction, so sort of wish someone had brought this up before. Although, really, I doubt I would have done anything differently because the chances of three are so miniscule. I mean, again, I can't even get pregnant...what are the chances that a.) I'd ovulate 3 eggs, b.) that all 3 would fertilize, c.) that all three would implant, and d.) that if they did, they'd all continue to grow?

At least, that was my thinking until I talked to my friend A, who brought up a great point:

"Well, you know, I know you pretty well...and if Murphy's Law applies to anyone, it's you."

True story.

And, you know, hubby, while a delightful adult, was kind of a nightmare kid. Super high-strung and surly. A handful. You don't believe me? Here are a few examples: he went on a People-to-People science exchange when he was in high school, and his parents got a call in the middle of the night from the program rep in Hawaii who had brought hubby to the airport and was putting him on the next plane. I still don't know exactly what he did, but that's hard core.

Or, how about the time the cops showed up at his house at 2am to tell his parents that he was going to be arrested for "borrowing" a golf cart from the local country club and driving it into a lake. You see, he and his friends had been trying to sell alcohol to the lacrosse team when the cops showed up. So, they borrowed a golf cart for a "quick" getaway (brilliant. What do they go, like 5mph?). (He's still a terrible driver, btw.)

Anyhow, the point is, nightmare kid. So, ever since I knew I was going to marry him, I've joked that if the universe were at all just and fair, then we were going to have triplet boys who are just like he was.

So, there you have it. Murphy's Law says that one of two things will happen this cycle: no pregnancy at all, or triplet boys.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Crabby infertile, aisle 4.

Last month, you may remember, my body started to trigger ovulation before my hcg shot. Nobody seemed particularly concerned, so it probably made no difference whatsoever. But, for kicks, I decided this month I wanted to see if the same thing was happening. So, I went to Wal*greens after work yesterday to buy some OPKs.

Well, I don’t know if anybody else has encountered this, but I guess they’ve started to hide OPKs behind lock and key. At one store in the city, they’re behind a locked glass wall, so you have to go get someone with a key to unlock it to get the damn things. Now, I realize that I shouldn’t really care, but I just really don’t like having to talk to someone to get anything pregnancy related from my local Wal*greens. I barely tell anyone outside of my closest and dearest friends that we’re ttc, so having to ask the 16-year-old punk behind the counter at the drug store for ovulation predictor kits is tantamount to saying, “I’m trying to get knocked up. And, since I’m clearly not quite as fertile as the pregnant 17 year old in cosmetics, I need some help.”

But, to make matters worse, the Wal*greens near my house has completely hidden the OPKs. They’re not behind lock and key. They’ve just been removed full stop from the shelves. In their stead is a sign that says, “Please ask for assistance.”

Awesome.

So, I go to the Pharmacy counter, figuring that that’s where they are, and ask the kid behind the counter. He has no idea what I’m talking about. And makes it quite clear that he has no interest in figuring it out. When he realizes I’m not going anywhere, he finally sighs…audibly…and says, “Well, I guess I could call a manager or something.”

Yes, please do.

So, the “manager,” who I can only assume is still in high school and is surly as hell, comes to the counter.

“What?”

Charming.

I proceed to tell her what I’m looking for, and that they seem to have disappeared from the shelves. She rolls her eyes, brings me over, asks me which ones I want, then disappears into the bowels of the Wal*greens. Down an elevator. And is gone for a good 10 minutes.

When she finally comes back up and hands them to me, I asked her why they’ve hidden them downstairs. “Because people are always stealing them.”

?!?!?

Come again? Okay, can someone explain to me where the black market for stolen OPKs is? I mean, this isn’t Su*dafed, people. You can’t get high off them.

And, who the hell is stealing them? Because the pregnancy tests are all still on the shelf. Are there marauding bands of infertile women trolling Wal*greens looking for OPKs to steal? (But leaving the pregnancy tests because, well, you know…what’s the point?)

So odd…

In other news, I had another scan/blooddraw yesterday morning. It went well. My lining looks downright good--a solid, plump 8.4mm. And, my estrogen was 600 something. I guess that's good, though I admit to not knowing what it's supposed to be at this point. And, I have one (possibly two) follicles that are nearly mature. So, I did one last Gon*al-F shot last night, I trigger tonight, and have IUI Sunday and Monday.

Fingers crossed that this works…and not just so I don’t have to endure the humiliation of relying on the surly, impatient Wal*greens staff next month!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Don't trip!

So, I went in to get a scan/bloodwork done this morning, and it looks like my bigger cysts from last month have gone away. Go figure! And, my lining looks promising. Last month it was 5.8mm on day 10, this month it's 6.1 on day 7. I think the most likely scenario is that I'll trigger on Friday, so hopefully we'll get another couple of millimeters before then.

In other good news, I had a resident in the exam room this morning, and the doc let her do her first ever internal ultrasound. I think this probably goes without saying, but you almost never want a newbie wanding your va-ja-ja. My favorite part of the whole thing was when she stood up (wand still in) and tripped over the cord. Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, she tripped over the cord with the stupid thing still inside. It's not a great feeling (which probably also goes without saying.)

Aces.

But, all things considered I'm actually feeling more optimistic than I have in a while. Things actually looked better than expected today, and that's the first time that's happened in a long time. So, I hope that things continue to look up.

So, there you have it.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Not as clever as I think...

So, they didn’t cancel me this month. I’m officially the worst reproductive endocrinologist ever. Either that or my office is. I’m really kind of hoping it’s the former. And I rarely bet against myself. In fact, I often believe that through sheer will I can do that for which I am totally and completely unqualified. My sister-in-law and I and my brother have a running bet. Here’s the situation: you’re on a 747 and both the pilot or co-pilot are taken out of commission. (It’s unclear why, but not anything too terrible that puts everyone else in jeopardy. Why this matters is not exactly clear. I guess I just didn’t want you to think that it’s that kind of story.) Anyhow, so you’re on a big plane and there’s no pilot. You have to land the plane. The tower will walk you through it. Can you land the plane? I’m not saying it has to be pretty. Maybe it’s a screeching mess. But, can you get the plane on the ground and walk away from it?

My brother and I both believe we could. My sister-in-law (who actually has a pilot’s license and knows a hell of a lot more than we, btw) thinks we’re crazy. That it’s much harder than it seems.

So, I guess when it comes to IF, I’m hoping that she’s right. I’m hoping that there are some things that are too hard to figure out from random google searches and speculation. Because otherwise, going on injectibles when I had a few cysts on my ovaries (and had to pay for the medicine myself) was a spectacularly bad idea.

I go in tomorrow for my scan to see how the follies are doing. And, more to the point, what my lovely endometrium looks like. Last month, you may recall, she was looking a little anorexic. I’m hoping that my diet of peanut butter m&ms is going to help with that. I’m sure it will help put extra girth somewhere, anyway…

Saturday, March 03, 2007

I'd really rather be wrong about at least a few of these things...

As predicted, I've fallen into the unlucky 20% category--I went for my baseline scan today and have three cysts greater than 10mm. (One is 23mm, I believe.) So, there we have it. They are waiting until they get my bloodwork back this afternoon before officially cancelling the injectables/IUI this month, but hubby and I can see the writing on the wall.

What's more, the pharmacy had to overnight our meds to us to get them here today. And, the only one that will do that is the one that is not contracted with my insurance co. So, we had to pay out of pocket. I feel like such an idiot. I told hubby when I found that out that I just wanted to cancel the order, that I just *knew* I was going to have cysts. But, we agreed that if everything looked fine, we'd be really bummed to wait out another cycle. Turns out the joke was on us all this time.

Humpf. I'm feeling pretty crappy about the whole thing right now. Even if they don't cancel our injectables/IUI this month, apparently the chances of pregnancy are drastically reduced by the presence of cysts, so no matter what, things look pretty bad. Aren't we ever going to have a turn? Or at least a fighting chance?

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Sticky Bun to IF: Drop Dead

First, I did meet with the RE yesterday and, as predicted, he prescribed injectables. Of course, he and the nurse seemed shocked! shocked! that we were meeting with them to discuss the next course of treatment before AF came to town. How can this be so surprising?! Everyone told me how thin my lining was and that, while it wasn’t impossible to get pregnant this month, it was *highly* unlikely. Now, for all of us IFers out there, when you hear something is highly unlikely, are we the only ones that mentally prepare ourselves for the impending BFN by strategizing about what comes next? Because doc seemed genuinely surprised.

What’s more, as we discussed injectables, it became clear that getting the meds for this was going to be far more complicated than getting Clo*mid was. In fact, the insurance needs to approve the cycle before we can even order the meds. And, I need to start them on CD3. So, can someone tell me why it would be a good idea to wait until CD1 to even call for an appt with the doc?

In any case, the joke was on them. AF did indeed rear her ugly head this morning, a day early. Which, all things considered, was actually rather considerate of her. You see, if we had to wait until tomorrow to get the ball rolling on the insurance approval and ordering of meds, we probably would have missed this cycle because they need more than one business day to make it all happen. So, there you go. I suppose if she had to come this month, I’m happy to see her on a Thursday, so that we can likely get everything we need by our CD3 scan on Saturday.

This is just so romantic, isn’t it? Just how I always imagined babymaking to be…

In other news, while I was fully expecting AF this month, and had no hope that this round of IUI was successful, I still find myself really sad to see her. It just brings up all those feelings of, wow, we’ve really been at this a long-ass time. Are we ever going to get beyond trying. Are we ever going to see another elusive BFP? Because I’m well aware that the BFP is only the first step. There’s a whole host of other milestones to worry about after that. But, I’m so over trying to get to that first step. I get it. It’s hard. Can we move on please? Pretty please? With sugar on top? And a cherry? And maybe some sprinkles? (I’ll even call them “jimmies” if it will help…)

And, this whole “unexplained infertility” thing is really starting to wear me down a bit, too. I mean, there appears to be NOTHING wrong with us. Nothing. Hubby has not just good but great count and motility. I ovulate. My hormones seem fine. So, WTF?!? How is it possible that anybody EVER gets pregnant, that’s what I want to know?

Argh.

Hubby is trying to hard to keep his spirits up about it, too. “We’ve just run into a little bad luck,” he said this morning. I hate to be the pessimist, but an early miscarriage is bad luck. Or, taking more than a year to get pregnant is bad luck. Or, being one of the few people who respond poorly to Clo*mid is bad luck. All of the above combined, well, that’s just going beyond bad luck. It’s like we’re jinxed or something. And, doc told us yesterday that about 20% of women who go on Clo*mid get cysts as a result, which of course I knew. But, since we’ve fallen into the unlucky 15-20% every time so far (15% of couples don’t get pregnant after a year, 15% of women have poor lining on Clo*mid, etc.), I’m not liking my chances of sidestepping the cyst landmine. And, of course, if we do have cysts, we have to sit this cycle out.

Good times, as always…