Friday, September 14, 2007

So far, so good...

It’s sort of amazing what 2.5 years of IF can do to a person. I mean, things seem to actually be going well with this pregnancy. And yet, I find it nearly impossible to believe.

Take today, for example. Today was our NT scan. It went really well. Better than I could have hoped. There was no clear evidence of the hemat*ma, the nuca*l fold was thin and well within the normal range, we saw the nasal bone—which is a great sign, particularly it’s early and you don’t always see it at 11w—we saw two beautiful heartbeats (one about 140 and one about 175), a 4-chamber heart on one of the stickies, the outline of the two hemispheres of the brain, hands and feet and cute little fingers. And you know what my take away from this was? Well, we still have two weeks left in the first trimester, so anything can happen.

While true, GOOD LORD! When did I become such a pessimist?

So, I got a little depressed as hubby and I were driving home. Not because I wasn’t thrilled and relieved about how everything was—I was thrilled and finally felt like I could exhale for the first time since my bleeding episode. Nope, I was depressed because this is what IF has taken away from us—the excitement and wonder of pregnancy. Rather than being excited and thrilled and making plans and buying some cute baby/maternity stuff, I’m paranoid and afraid to plan anything for next March or April. I just can’t seem to let my mind wander there. And that made me really sad.

So, as we were driving back, I told hubby I wanted to stop at B*bies-R-Us. I wasn’t going to buy anything—I’m not there yet—but I wanted to let myself think about what we might do if this pregnancy does indeed lead to two real, live babies. We didn’t go crazy, but we did look at cribs and cute nursery themes, and we let our imaginations wander for just a few minutes. And it felt really good.

Sure, it’ll be a while before I buy anything maternity-related, or before I let anyone buy us any gifts. But for today, I tried to let myself get used to the idea that, at least for now, I’m pregnant. With twins. And, so far, so good.


Sunday, September 09, 2007

Hair trauma

There’s something you should really know about me: I’m obsessive about haircuts. I freak out almost every time I get one. As a result, after a few bad haircuts in my adult life, I became too scared of another tragic hair mess and I just let it grow and grow. So, for the past couple of years, it’s fluctuated a bit between just below my shoulders and halfway down my back. But, there’s only so long I can have the exact same haircut. I need some kind of change. So, today I decided to cut off a few inches. I still wanted it below my shoulders, but I wanted to clean it up a bit. And, since I finally found a hairdresser I liked up here, I thought I’d go for it.

Big f’ing mistake. I hate it. And now I don’t have the ease of a ponytail to save me from the bad hair days I now know I’m doomed to have. Sure, it kinda fits. But barely. And it doesn’t look good.

Grrr… Why must I subject myself to this same torture over and over again? You’d think I’d learn and just keep my boring ‘ol long hair. *sigh*

In other good news, I wasn’t able to get an ultrasound appointment until Friday. Double grrr… Basically, last week when I called the hospital to schedule it with the perinatologist, the woman told me I’d be too early on Monday. She said I needed to get it done between 11w and 13w, and that I’d only be 10w4d on Monday. I told her that my doctor told me Monday would be fine. She scoffed a bit and said, “well, I’m telling you it’s going to be too early, so I’m almost certain you’d just have to come back for another one.”

Really? I’d have to come back for another u/s if Monday was too early? (She says while maniacally laughing to herself about her good fortune in finding a clever way to sneak another u/s in before week 20.)

I was THIS close to scheduling it anyway. But then, I panicked. I mean, what if I went in, then freaked out because things didn’t look good with the NT measurement? I mean, sure I could try to reassure myself that I knew it was too early, but I’d have a hard time believing me. And, it’s not like I need to subject myself deliberately to any additional stress, right?

So, I decided to be good, and I scheduled the appointment for Friday. I could tell that the woman wanted me to wait until at least the next Monday, but I just couldn’t bear another whole weekend without some confirmation that things are okay. So, the compromise move, as I saw it, was Friday. I’m disappointed that I won’t get another peek at the stickies as early as I wanted, but hopefully everything will look just fine no matter when the scan is…Here’s hoping! (Hang in there, l’il stickies!)

Tuesday, September 04, 2007


We went to the ob appointment today and, as I feared, there was no u/s. Crap. Stupid regular ob’s. I guess it all went well, though I have to admit to being pretty spoiled by Smirky’s office for the past few months. While he’s quirky, I really like him, I LOVE the nurses there, and it’s the most efficient place I’ve ever been to in my life. (If they think you might have to have to wait for 10 minutes for an appointment, they literally call you ahead of time to see if you want to reschedule. I’ve NEVER had to wait, even when they thought I might have to. For a doctor’s office, that’s just stunning.)

Needless to say, I did have to wait at this ob’s office. My appointment was 12:40, I got there at 12:30 to fill out forms, etc., and they didn’t take me back until about 1:10. *sigh* I miss Smirky already.

The nurse did the usual—urine sample, blood pressure, weight check. (PS, that was awful. I really don’t want to know how much I weigh already, because I know for a fact it’s due to the bed rest and extra double-st*f ore*os. I know better than to blame it on “pregnancy.”) Then they took me into see the doctor. He asked a bunch of questions, and we told him about our SCH. He seemed utterly un-phased. I guess that’s a good thing—he seems them quite a bit, and I guess they’re usually not that big a deal. But he did of course give the requisite, “well we can’t be sure it’ll all be fine, but…” Thanks. Helpful.

I guess the moderately good news is that I can go for the nuchal screening as early as Monday, which means I’m not TOO far off from another peek at the stickies. So, I’m going to try to get in there as early as I can. But, the bad (read: terrifying) news is that he warned me that, after that, I wouldn’t likely get another one until I was around 20 weeks. WTF?!? 20 weeks! That would be like a month and a half?!

When he saw the stunned look on my face he said, “yeah, we usually have to wean IVF patients off the monitoring.”


Anyhow, I don’t mean to sound negative. He seemed okay. And, most importantly, Smirky thinks a lot of him, so that’s big in our minds. But, this transition is going to be damn hard. Don’t get me wrong, I’m HAPPY to be at the point where we need a regular OB, but I’m going to miss my little clinic bubble and it’s going to be weird to be among “regular” pregnant women. Even today, I found myself looking at the baby bumps in the waiting room and thinking, “this is bullshit, you probably got knocked up by accident or on your first try. Bitch.”

Oops. Did I just say that out loud? ☺

Monday, September 03, 2007

Labor Day

Can you believe it’s Labor Day already? I feel like this summer—hell, this year—has just flown by.

This time of year I always find myself getting a little sad. You see, I love, love, love the warmer weather. And while I like the fall, I detest winter. So, once Labor Day rolls around, I know we’re on a short slide into shorter days and colder weather. (Optimistic, aren’t I? ☺)

Almost as if to punctuate the end of the summer and the beginning of the fall, this weekend was one of the most beautiful in recent memory. The weather in our neck of the woods was perfect. Sunny, breezy, no humidity, high-70s. Perfect. It’s almost as if you could feel the winds starting to shift and the seasons starting to change, even if it's a bit early.

As I was lying in our hammock in our back yard, desperately trying to take advantage of this picture-perfect day, I couldn’t help but think that, while I’ll be sad to transition from flip-flops and t-shirts to long sleeves, sweaters, and shoes, if everything continues to go according to plan with the stickies, I am hopeful that this winter might have a much different feel than any in recent memory. I usually associate winter with feeling cold, lonely, and sometimes even a little desperate, particularly lately. But if g-d willing the stickies continue to grow and the SCH magically resolves itself, this winter will have a more hopeful air.

That said, I still have such a hard time picturing the end game. My nurse keeps telling me I have to stop that—there’s a mind-body connection, after all, she reminds me. But it just still seems SO far away. I’m 9w4d today. On the one hand, that’s nearly twice as far as I’ve ever been. But on the other hand, all I can see are the weeks and weeks stretched out before us.

It doesn’t help, of course, that I’ve had a bit of spotting the past few days. Nothing major, and it’s all brown (no red), but still. Even though Smirky warned me that I’d likely see more spotting or even bleeding and not to worry, let’s face it, that falls on deaf ears. After all, I’d really prefer to have seen NOTHING for nine long months.

We have our appointment with the high-risk Ob tomorrow. I’m still hoping that I’ll get an ultrasound and another peek at the stickies, but I can’t be sure that’ll happen. So, keep your fingers crossed that they’ve got a wand handy and can check things out!

And, be sure to pop over and send positive thoughts to Erin and Leah, who just had their retrievals this weekend, and to Becks who’s coming up on her beta for IVF#2. I’m thinking of you, ladies and really hoping for the best!!