Thursday, October 18, 2007

On Moose and Pregnancy

For reasons I can’t fully explain, my whole adult life I’ve wanted to see a real, live moose. Up close and in person. Moose sort of fascinated me—they seemed so huge and like they should be so scary, but they’re really just dopey animals that amble around harmlessly. And, did I mention they’re HUGE? With really skinny legs that barely hold them up? I mean, who wouldn’t want to see that in real life?

So, two weekends ago, hubby and I went up to New Hampshire for the weekend to visit hubby’s sister and brother-in-law. As we were driving up, I remarked at how cool it would be to see a moose. And, miraculously, we did! We were just driving down the street and there was a moose on the side of the road. We pulled over to get a better look and saw him just ambling around munching on leaves, staring at all of us like the fools we are.

But then, as we got into the car, I felt almost a little lost. Here was something I’d been talking about for so long. Something that had taken on an almost mythical status in my mind. And all I could think as we were driving away was, well…now what?

Then, as I was falling asleep last night, I realized that, while obviously so fundamentally different in magnitude of importance, there were some similarities between my moose sighting and my newfound pregnancy. You see, pregnancy had certainly risen to the level of myth in my mind—it seemed like something so unattainable that I would spend my life in pursuit. And my life had become so much about the pursuit that now I feel a little lost, wondering, now what?

And, of course the “now what” conversation about pregnancy is obviously so huge and carries so many plans and hopes and dreams that it seems even scarier to think about. And I’m realizing in a very real way that all that time I was in pursuit, I never really let myself think about what I’d do if I actually got pregnant…and brought home a real, live baby.

And so now it still feels too soon to think too far ahead, even though I realize that's beginning to border on the ridiculous. Not allowing myself to think of life with baby(ies) was what got me through the pursuit. And now I feel a little like my friend the moose. I feel like I’m ambling around mindlessly just staring blankly at all of the fools* who think I should actually be thinking about cribs and registering and all of the “now what” things for which I know in my head I should start to plan someday in the not-too-distant future.

What’s more—and I know bloggers far more eloquent than I have talked about this before—but I really don’t feel like I fit into the pregnant club. And I know that I no longer fit into the trying club. And so my silence is brought on more from a place of not knowing how I’m supposed to feel or what I should say. It’s not that I don’t have things to say, it’s just that I still feel a little lost. You’d think I’d be better able to get used to this by now, no?

But, I’m 16 weeks today. 16 weeks! I remember looking at the tickers of my fellow infertile but pregnant bloggers who got up to 16 weeks and thinking, “wow. You’ve made it so far!”

But for me, it still feels early. I mean, I can’t bring myself to put a ticker up. Isn’t that ridiculous!? I mean—according to some books—I’ve entered my FIFTH month. FIFTH. What the hell am I waiting for?

*sigh*

I guess it just continues to amaze me to this day how infertility has affected me. And how I’m still struggling to heal the wounds, and wondering if they’ll ever really go away, or weather they’ll live on (less obviously, I hope) as sometimes painful reminders of how our journey was so. much. different. from so many others and from what it “should” have been.

On a happier note, though, I am 16 weeks. I mean, on some level, wow. F’ing 16 weeks! And, the time has mercifully started to go by more quickly. For the first twelve weeks, I can honestly say that I checked in on websites and tickers everyday to see how far along I was, even though I already knew. And every day felt like an entire week. But now, it feels a little less desperate. (That work has been INSANELY busy has helped a bit, I suppose. But I’ll save that drama for a different post…)

I am also officially in maternity clothes. None of my old clothes fit. At all. Which terrifies me just a bit…I mean, with twins, I’m going to get HUGE, huh?

And, my sleeping has started to feel a little less comfortable, so I have erected a bit of a pillow fort around me so that I can prop myself up (and stop from sleeping on my back—which had always been my favorite way to sleep before, but now makes me feel a little weird). I think hubby’s afraid if I get any bigger he’ll get kicked out of the bed entirely. I can’t say his fear is unfounded. I mean, damnit, I need my sleep. J

Also, just to throw a monkey wrench into all of those textbook pregnancy symptoms, I had a virtually symptom-free first trimester. No nausea, very little breast soreness (other than right at the very beginning), not much going on. Now, in my second trimester—the time when they say you’re supposed to feel your best—I feel pretty crappy. The “digestive issues” as I like to call them have gotten worse. Now I have to eat very specific combinations of foods or I feel crappy (nauseous and constipated). Good times… And for some reason, some foods that I’ve always eaten don’t sit well with me. Like I can’t have cereal in the morning anymore, I have to have protein. If I don’t I feel sick for the rest of the day. Isn’t that weird?

Oh, and while I did flirt with the idea of renting a Doppler, I’ve resisted the temptation. And I’m glad I did. I was able to hear the heartbeats once at my last doctor’s appointment two weeks ago, and it was very cool. But I know myself well enough to know that having one of those magical machines in my house would do nothing but promote obsession. Something I’m trying (with some success) to avoid.

Anyhow…that’s the update from SB-land. I have my next doctor’s appointment on the 1st and the anatomy scan on the 9th. I’m really looking forward to that scan. It will be good to get another look at the stickies and I hope everything will look great. And, after that, I just might have to think about doing some “now what” planning… But, for now, know that I’m reading all of your blogs all of the time.

And if I’m quiet it’s only that I’m still struggling to find my voice given my new circumstances. J

*I realize these people aren’t foolish. They’re right. But, damnit, I don’t think I was foolish to stop and watch the moose either.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Suddenly silent

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and I'm so sorry for becoming suddenly silent. I’ve actually started about five different posts, but they all seemed so unbelievably trite and boring, I couldn’t bring myself to post them. You see, the truth of the matter is that I have virtually nothing to say, which on the one hand isn’t the worst thing in the world since I’m usually just bitching about something. ☺

On the pregnancy front, things have been mercifully boring since my last scan—no appointments, no scans, no spotting, nada. (A trend I hope continues indefinitely.) So I'm working to take no news as good news—but I still haven't been able to bring myself to let my parents tell the rest of the family. And I haven’t told most of my friends yet (except those I talk to or see all the time). I know—I’m a freak! It just still feels all so surreal. We do have a big 90th bday party for my grandmother in two weeks, so I’m going to have to let my dad spread the news before then. I think I’m just still not ready for all of the congrats calls from more distant people. It still feels so personal that I want to hold it closer to the vest.

Oh, and on the fear thing—yeah, it’s still there (bla, bla, bla). But, it’s (mercifully) starting to fade to the background, if only a bit. The only way I can think to describe it is like the aftermath of a panic attack. I don’t feel the ongoing panic—the rapid heart rate and difficulty breathing—but only because there’s only so long that your body can stay in that constant state of panic. At some point the fear has to fade to the background and make way for life. And it’s not that you feel better, or that you’re over it per se. But you do find a way to move on. And, in this case, I’m hopeful that the excitement will start more and more to fill in that space.

In other news, I’ve had to break down and buy some maternity clothes—three pairs of pants, to be exact. Two for work and one pair of jeans. They’re super comfortable—I actually recommend them for anyone. I swear, if I had had these on those extra-bloated days, my “fat” wardrobe would have been transformed. I realize that the secret to these pants is that they fit elsewhere, so aren’t super frumpy. They just have a fabulous elasto-waist for more give in the stomach. I seriously think they should just start selling them as pms pants.

Oh, and in other random news, I was at a wedding this weekend and the woman who sang at the wedding—whom I’d never met before and whose name I don’t even know—came up to me as she was leaving and said, “Is there a baby in there?” I was stunned. Particularly because this was my boss’s wedding and there were work people all around and I thought I was working my ass off to cover it up. And, since when is that an appropriate question? I swear, had she ever come up to me when I was bloated post-cycling, I would have wanted to drop kick her. Instead I stood there like a deer in headlights and denied it. Nice, huh?

So, there you go. I promise to think of something more interesting to blog about—and to stop dropping off the face of the blogosphere for days at a time. ☺