Thursday, January 10, 2008

Glucose screening and fear

This morning was the oh-so-fun 1-hour glucose screening. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be--I thought I'd be dizzy and lightheaded and nauseous. Turns out I was only nauseous, and not as much as I would have thought I'd be.

But, I have to say, I hope to GOD I don't fail it, because I'm pretty sure the 3-hour version would be awful. (And, more importantly, because I hope I don't have gestational diabetes...)

Today I'm 28-weeks. Wow. I'm still stunned by that. You'd think the awe would wear off, but it doesn't. And, while I can't say that the idea of bringing home the stickies feels any more real, the idea of having the stickies--i.e. the actual hospital experience--is. I know that sounds ridiculous, and I wish I could explain it better, but there it is.

And, now that I've been thinking more about labor and delivery, I'm starting to freak out a bit. You see, I've basically prepared myself for the fact that I'll most likely have to have a c-section. (In the practice I go to, almost 75% of twins are delivered surgically.) And I'm really scared of that. Isn't that silly? It's, in theory, the easier of the two routes to give birth. But, the idea of having what is basically major surgery--and of being AWAKE for that surgery--scares the bejeezes out of me.

I may have mentioned this before, but I'm prone to anxiety. It's not terrible--I definitely cope with it really well--but my biggest trigger is feeling like I'm not the one in control. I remember I started to get really nervous right before my egg retrieval. I was laying on the bed and doctors and nurses were scurrying about all around me and the anesthesiologist had my left arm attached to all kinds of IVs and I was hooked up to a monitor that allowed me to hear my heartbeat. And I knew I couldn't even sit up and the surroundings felt so unfamiliar and scary that I started to get a little upset.

Thankfully, the IV sedation kicked in early enough that I just drifted off to sleep.

But for a c-section, I will feel the same way, except that added to it will be the fact that I will be numb from the waist down (I hate feeling numb) and that I won't understand anything that's happening. And that I'll know they're cutting into me. And that scares me. How will I know if the stickies are okay? And, I won't be able to get up when they're born. I'll just have to lie there and wait for them to finish me while my babies are whisked away to be taken care of.

And, it all terrifies me.

I realize that it's too early to think about all of this, and that it ultimately doesn't matter how scared I am; I'll just have to suck it up. But still.

Ridiculous, I realize.

In other news--while I was at the hospital today for the screening, they had me pre-register for...well, for delivery, I guess. It was easy--all I had to do was sign three papers. The first was easy; I just had to sign a form saying that I consent to have them treat me.

But, then I had to sign two of the same forms for the stickies saying that I consented to have the hospital treat them. And, on those two, I had to sign the line for the "responsible party." And on the line asking my relationship, I wrote "Mother."

I'm tearing up even just writing this now, thinking that this might be real.


E said...

You're somebody's mother. Two somebodies, to be exact. I can definitely see how that might bring a tear. But so exciting!!

And I TOTALLY know what you mean about being freaked out about being awake yet numb during a c-section. That's just too weird.

Happy 28 weeks!

Waiting Amy said...

Mother, yup, that's you! Hooray! Happy 28 weeks and several more to come.

I know all the hospital stuff is scary. But if you have a good relationship with your OB and your lovely DH holding your hand, it will all be fine. (and you really do forget most of it anyway!)

Less than 3 months to go!

Ms. Planner said...

You are a mom! See, the form says so!

Not to sound too hippy-drippy but perhaps some prenatal yoga classes where you can learn some meditation techniques can help you manage any out-of-control feelings you may have during a potential c-section? I know it really helps me during stressful situations.

Diana said...

WOW, I haven't had the opportunity yet to sign an official document "Mother" but I have tears in my eyes reading this. We will be a mother someday soon!

anna said...

Oh, honey, you're already a mother! Every time you feel the stickies kick is a reminder that you're their mother. But I know what you mean...the fact that we'll hopefully have babies to juggle and that we'll be their mothers in just a few short weeks...eeek! Scary and exciting, right?!

Sarah said...

maybe if you start convincing yourself now that you HOPE it will be a c section, you'll be happier with it when it happens? that kind of backwards thinking often works on me.

also keep in mind that you may have thoughts WAY bigger than numbness and unfamiliarity swirling around in your head, not leaving room for those more mundane anxieties (i.e. OMG, BABIES are about to come out of me!!!). and seriously, after everything you've faced to get here, you know you're going to do just great!!

Somewhat Ordinary said...

It really is amazing what things bring on the realization that you are somebody's mom (x2)!

Tam said...

Wow, realisation is a scary thing. You gonna be just fine, take it one day at a time now but you right, you do have to start thinking about it, it IS happening!!

Very exciting, wishing you all the best for the glucose screening results and the next few weeks.

Love and hugs xxx

Cibele said...

is there a 3-hour version of the glucose screening?? OMG, I hope that I pass mine as well. I felt so dizzy!! I hope that you pass it too. Congratulations on your getting into your third trimester!!

megan said...

it's real, mamma sticky. it's real!

i hope you don't have to do the 3 hour test. i can tell you from recent experience that it *does* suck. good news is that 80% of those who fail the one hour actually PASS the three hour. keep us posted.

also? it's SO NOT SILLY to be afraid of the c-section...i mostly say that because it is one of my biggest fears for some reason -- and i'm only toting around a singleton.

Delenn said...

Hi, Long-Time Lurker, first time poster here...

I had an emergency C-Section with my first, and while scary to think about as its major surgery, it really is not too bad. I am having a scheduled C with this one (more because I really don't need to go through 14 hours of non-medicated labor and then have to have one anyways--already did that!)

It is kinda wierd, but at least when I had mine, I was able to comprehend when they were able to successfully get him out (he had entangled in the umbilical cord) and I saw him rushed over to get warmed (he was blue); my husband got to hold him first (kinda a bummer); but, as I was being wheeled out, they brought my little boy, all bundled up in blankets, and put him right on top of me. I could feel him and see him, mere minutes afterwards. AND, 30 mins later I was breastfeeding him.

The hardest part (besides the awful labor) was the epidural (more because I had to do that while trying to stop contracting). Once it was done, the worst was over. As for being numb, that only bothered me afterwards in the hospital room when I had those boots on that circulate your blood--it was just a wierd feeling...but, frankly, I was more than happy not to feel anything after dealing with labor! And, for some reason, I obsessed over the fact that my tongue was numb--I really had this irrational fear that I was going to swallow my tongue!

Recovery was not bad. My husband said the first day I was kinda out of it--I was on a morphine drip--but other than that, it was fine.

I am sure that you will do well with whatever happens--after everything is over, you will have those wonderful babies!