Saturday, March 22, 2008

Welcome, Stickies!

The stickies arrived, healthy and crying up a storm (a good thing!) at 8:27 and 8:28am Friday. They are beautiful and perfect and I love them more than I every thought imaginable.

I'm definitely sore from the c-section, but hopefully it won't take too long to get better.

I'll post more later, but wanted to pass along the news. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your support throughout this entire journey. I'm overwhelmed and so appreciative.

Thank you!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The panic sets in...

I can’t believe that, if all goes according to plan, in 3 days or less, I’ll be a mom.

And I really mean that I can’t believe it. It all just seems so unbelievably surreal. I’ve just barely gotten used to this whole being pregnant thing, and now I find myself woefully unprepared for the next step. I guess that's what happens when seeds of doubt are sown into your mind for so very long.

Don't get me wrong, I’m not saying that the pregnancy went quickly. On the contrary, there are parts of it that dragged on for what seemed like an eternity. The night in the ER and the days after the hematoma were the worst. And the third trimester—at least the first part of it—seemed to drag on forever.

But now? Now I can’t believe there are only 3 days left. And the thing is; I’m terrified. Seriously petrified to my core. All of the sudden I feel like I’m on the precipice of the biggest change of my life and I feel totally and completely unprepared. I mean, in less than a week, I will have two little beings who are going to rely on me for everything. Food, water, changing, discipline, decisions, cleaning, education. Literally, everything. And they’re going to grow, god willing! They’ll have little personalities and they’ll get into trouble and they’ll fall into danger. And it’s all on my shoulders to protect them. (Okay, not all on my shoulders—mine and hubby’s—but still…)

And, the thing is, moms know everything. But I DON’T know everything. So, how can I possibly be a mom?

And, the other thing is, there will be TWO little beings looking to me to care for them. What if I screw up? Both of them?

And even before we get to the point where I can screw them up, I have to get them out. I'm scared of that, too. I'm scared that something will go wrong between now and then, or that something will go wrong during delivery. I think we’ve all seen so much heartache—especially lately—that no matter how close we are to delivery, and no matter how things look, we know how important and how precious every day is.

The other thing is, because they both seem so darned comfy in there, it looks like I'm headed for a c-section on Friday. Granted, I was petrified of both--c-section or vaginal--but now I'm focusing my fears on what appears to be the inevitable surgery. And, I realize it's ridiculous, but the thing that freaks me out the most (other than the possibility of something going wrong with the stickies) is the anesthesia. I hate being numb. Hell, I get my teeth drilled at the dentist without novocaine because I hate it so much. (That and I have a pretty darned high tolerance for pain.)

Trust me, I'm not saying that I want to try this without anesthesia, but the idea of being numb and out of control from the nipples down (yes, that's how the nurse explained it to me) is kind of scary. Particularly because I'm prone to anxiety and the way I ward the panic attacks off is by taking a nice, deep breath. Something I won't be able to do with the spinal numbing me from the chest down.


I think I've reached full-on panic mode.

Oh, and the other thing, I feel selfish that this is what I'm worried about. I found out yesterday that, after the stickies are born, they get taken to the nursery. Hubby can either go with them or stay with me. And, I asked him to stay with me. Does that already make me a bad mom? I mean, wouldn't a mom only be concerned with her children?

Must. Stop. Obsessing!

I know I'll be fine--people do this everyday--but I just had to get my fears out there. (Although, if anyone has any (preferably not horrifying) c-section stories (or can tell me what breathing felt like under the spinal), I'm all ears.)

Alternatively, if anyone has some good relaxation tips that don't all involve breathing (so I don't focus too much of feeling like I'm short of breath...) I'd take those, too.

(Truthfully, I'd also actually welcome a good, clean kick in the pants that says, "you're overthinking this, Sticky. You'll be focused on the stickies, and it'll all be fine...")

Saturday, March 15, 2008

No babies yet, but the countdown is on...

37 weeks 2 days and no signs of any progress. I’m barely dilated (less than 1 cm), and just a little bit effaced.

You know, I spent so long worry about delivering early, it just didn’t occur to me that I’d be nearing 38 weeks with no signs of labor whatsoever. Life’s funny, huh?

I did have another u/s on Thursday and it looks like the stickies are 6lbs 8oz and 6lbs 10oz, respectively. There is a pretty big margin for error right now with the measurements, but it looks like they’re still thriving and growing. In fact, they still seem to be tracking at the 50th percentile for singletons, which is great. So, if I do go all the way to next Friday (um, yeah, that’s 6 days from now. We’re not talking about that right now…) they’ll have a great shot at being close to (or even more than) 7lbs. That would be really exciting—it would help them sleep better, eat better, etc. Go, l’il sticky buns!

In other news, it turns out that the internal exam they do to see just how dilated and effaced you are is the most g-damn uncomfortable and invasive procedure I’ve ever had to sit through. And I’ve been through an HSG, four IUIs, egg retrieval, transfer, and more transvaginal ultrasounds than I know what to do with. I swear to god I almost drop-kicked the f’ing ob when he said—for the THIRD time—just relax your legs, just relax your LEGS.

If my belly were any smaller, I would have shot up, yanked his pen1s, and told him to relax his f’ing legs. He’d better watch his back at my follow up appointment after delivery is all I have to say.

Other than that, no real news. I’m really hoping I go into labor on my own before Friday; it’s my only chance to avoid a c-section, and I’d at least like the chance for a vaginal birth. But, no matter what, I’m not going to stress. I’m just hoping that whatever happens, the stickies come out healthy and happy—that’s all I really care about. ☺

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

The bonus round

I’m three hours away from being 36 weeks pregnant. From everything I’ve read, 36 weeks is “term” for twins. Term! Our perinatologist says that everyday after tomorrow is just a “gift,” a bonus, if you will.

Kind of exciting to be in the bonus round!

We’re now taking bets on when the stickies will arrive. My MIL has bet on tomorrow. It’s a bold bet given that I’m not having a single sign of impending labor, but whatever. Everybody else is betting on the week leading up to the 21st (my scheduled c-section date). So, now I guess we just wait and see.

At 36 weeks, I can definitely tell that my body is reaching the end of its ability to keep these little guys inside—my ankles are swelling when I’m just sitting around doing nothing. And doing ANYTHING that involves being out of the house is just exhausting. And I don’t think I’ve had skin this itchy in my life. We’re lathering that stretch mark oil on my belly multiple times a day. Not so much because I think it will help with the stretch marks, but rather because it’s the only thing greasy enough to hydrate my poor, overly stretched skin.

All of these minor* discomforts have also gotten me thinking more and more about all of the things that I am looking forward to about my post-pregnancy days. No, I’m not talking about cuddling with the stickies or taking home babies—though I am excited beyond words to do both. Nope, I’m talking about all of those daily things that I took for granted everyday of my adult life and that, post-pregnancy, I vow to enjoy every chance I get. Including:

5. Knowing when I need a bikini wax. I can’t tell you the last time I was able to see that area, but it’s been months. And, I can’t imagine the jungle that has developed, but can only imagine it’s hideous. And I feel powerless to stop it—not only because I can’t do a damn thing about it myself (without potentially subjecting myself to some very unpleasant cuts and scrapes), but because I fear I’ll scare the hell out of the poor esthetician I’ll get stuck with if I try to get some professional help.

4. Cutting my own toenails. Yup, just can’t do it anymore. I got a pedicure this weekend—THANK GOD—and now I just have to hope they don’t grow too overwhelmingly long before I deliver.

3. Not weighing almost 200lbs. There’s really nothing else to say about this one. I know it’s probably un-PC or something and I should be all one and zen with my pregnant body, but the truth is I miss having a more agile body and just being….well…smaller.

2. Walking. It used to be so easy. I’d leap off the couch or out of bed, and effortlessly stroll wherever it was I needed to go—to the kitchen, to the bathroom, etc. Now, I need a crane to get me up. And, once up, a journey of 10 steps seems like the length of a marathon. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I actually negotiate with myself about whether it would be more uncomfortable to get up and walk to the bathroom or just wait it out for a little longer. It’s ridiculous, I realize, but what can you do…

1. Rolling over in bed. In my pre-pregnancy days, I used to flop all around—from my back to my stomach to a side. I used to glide through the smooshy sheets with nary a care and smoosh up against hubby without any struggles at all. Now, every time I need to change position, I wake up. I then have to deliberately reposition myself before I try to go back to sleep. (And, those back and stomach positions—my favorites, I might add—LONG gone.)

So, there you have it. I wish I had something more interesting or inspiring to report, but I think I'm losing brain cells by the day. (Apparently I should have been taking more DHA, huh?) In the meantime, no matter what lies ahead in the upcoming weeks, please wish us luck that the delivery is problem-free and that the stickies are healthy and happy!

*They really are minor. I’ve been very lucky with this pregnancy and am very grateful. I’m just reaching that “holy shit, is it possible that I might get bigger?!”