Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The panic sets in...

I can’t believe that, if all goes according to plan, in 3 days or less, I’ll be a mom.

And I really mean that I can’t believe it. It all just seems so unbelievably surreal. I’ve just barely gotten used to this whole being pregnant thing, and now I find myself woefully unprepared for the next step. I guess that's what happens when seeds of doubt are sown into your mind for so very long.

Don't get me wrong, I’m not saying that the pregnancy went quickly. On the contrary, there are parts of it that dragged on for what seemed like an eternity. The night in the ER and the days after the hematoma were the worst. And the third trimester—at least the first part of it—seemed to drag on forever.

But now? Now I can’t believe there are only 3 days left. And the thing is; I’m terrified. Seriously petrified to my core. All of the sudden I feel like I’m on the precipice of the biggest change of my life and I feel totally and completely unprepared. I mean, in less than a week, I will have two little beings who are going to rely on me for everything. Food, water, changing, discipline, decisions, cleaning, education. Literally, everything. And they’re going to grow, god willing! They’ll have little personalities and they’ll get into trouble and they’ll fall into danger. And it’s all on my shoulders to protect them. (Okay, not all on my shoulders—mine and hubby’s—but still…)

And, the thing is, moms know everything. But I DON’T know everything. So, how can I possibly be a mom?

And, the other thing is, there will be TWO little beings looking to me to care for them. What if I screw up? Both of them?

And even before we get to the point where I can screw them up, I have to get them out. I'm scared of that, too. I'm scared that something will go wrong between now and then, or that something will go wrong during delivery. I think we’ve all seen so much heartache—especially lately—that no matter how close we are to delivery, and no matter how things look, we know how important and how precious every day is.

The other thing is, because they both seem so darned comfy in there, it looks like I'm headed for a c-section on Friday. Granted, I was petrified of both--c-section or vaginal--but now I'm focusing my fears on what appears to be the inevitable surgery. And, I realize it's ridiculous, but the thing that freaks me out the most (other than the possibility of something going wrong with the stickies) is the anesthesia. I hate being numb. Hell, I get my teeth drilled at the dentist without novocaine because I hate it so much. (That and I have a pretty darned high tolerance for pain.)

Trust me, I'm not saying that I want to try this without anesthesia, but the idea of being numb and out of control from the nipples down (yes, that's how the nurse explained it to me) is kind of scary. Particularly because I'm prone to anxiety and the way I ward the panic attacks off is by taking a nice, deep breath. Something I won't be able to do with the spinal numbing me from the chest down.


I think I've reached full-on panic mode.

Oh, and the other thing, I feel selfish that this is what I'm worried about. I found out yesterday that, after the stickies are born, they get taken to the nursery. Hubby can either go with them or stay with me. And, I asked him to stay with me. Does that already make me a bad mom? I mean, wouldn't a mom only be concerned with her children?

Must. Stop. Obsessing!

I know I'll be fine--people do this everyday--but I just had to get my fears out there. (Although, if anyone has any (preferably not horrifying) c-section stories (or can tell me what breathing felt like under the spinal), I'm all ears.)

Alternatively, if anyone has some good relaxation tips that don't all involve breathing (so I don't focus too much of feeling like I'm short of breath...) I'd take those, too.

(Truthfully, I'd also actually welcome a good, clean kick in the pants that says, "you're overthinking this, Sticky. You'll be focused on the stickies, and it'll all be fine...")


Mama 2 2 said...

I hear what you are saying! I felt the same way about being a good mom (I have 15 month old boy twins born via c-section). Here's what I can tell you.

The section wasn't that bad. I got a little sick from the anesthesia (which I expected as it has happened in the past)but I had no problem breathing. The anesthesiologist was great and the docs gave me a blow by blow. It took my mind off the fact that my stuff was hanging out and I was numb from the boobs down. You'll do great!

I felt the same about not screwing these kids up. Honestly, I cried a lot the first 6 weeks. It's all so scary. But trust your instincts! What everyone says is true, a mom just knows what to do.

Twins are wonderful and chanllenging and spectacular! It's amazing that you can love two things so much!

My last bits of advice: when someone offers assistance -- take it! Also, enjoy every minute. It goes by so quickly. I alomost forget what it was like to have two tiny babies that I held in my arms (they are now running around and saying "uh-oh" until the cows come home.

You can do this -- that's your new mantra!

Becks said...

Oh my word, it is really here. No help I can give you other than I'd swap with you anyday!! I really do hope it all goes swimmingly, can't wait to hear all about them both.

And for the record I think you'll be a great mum!

JJ said...

I cant wait until they are here--I sort of have a special connection to yours and Serenity's little one--can I be Auntie JJ?=)
And I will ALWAYS love hearing from you--thanks for checking in on me!
Take it easy, great-momma-to-be!

Belly Laughs said...

It will be so surreal and wonderful. Time flies too. I asked my hubby to stay with me until the surgery was over and then I sent him to the NICU to check on the babies. By the time I was in the post-op recovery area, a baby was being brought down to me.

Just enjoy!!! It is an awesome experience!!! You will be a great mom too :)

megan said...

oh Sticky! i'm certain that the panic at this point is nothing but normal.
nothing wrong with asking your Husband to stay with you. you both will be with your stickies in no time. you need support too!
wishing you the very best of deliveries. i'm thinking of you.

Waiting Amy said...

I am so excited for you, even if you are scared! I know that the c-section must be scary -- but remember that they do this a lot. And the amazing thing is those stickies stuck around for 38 weeks! That gives me such hope for my little ones.

You will be a great mom. The first weeks are overwhelming, even with just one. But as others have said, just hang on to the fact that those little ones will thrive no matter what. You will be a wonderful mom!

I'm so so excited for you!

Ms. Planner said...

Wow, I can't believe it is here either!

I know how scared and excited you must be: wanting to be perfect for your babies but still being realistic about what life will really be like. You are a smart, intuitive lady. You will almostly immediately know what each of the stickies need in the days to come. I know you can do it (in the short term) and do it well (in the long term when you have your confidence going).

I have no advice for the c-section, but I have a relaxation/meditation technique that is all in the head that may help. If you start to get stressed, close your eyes and imagine a small pool of water (like a peaceful, clear koi pond). When you thoughts bubble to the surface, imagine they are little fish. They come to the surface only briefly and then imagine they sink back to the lower depths of the water. Visualizing your thoughts as an object shifts your focus to the object itself, away from the content of the thought. It takes a little practice. So maybe when you are stressed these last days you can practice this before the c-section.

Yeee! So excited for you.

MichelleAnn said...

You're allowed to feel the way you do. It's called fear of the unknown.

I've had 2 spinals and 2 epidurals and didn't have trouble taking deep breaths with any of them.

If they'll let you ask if you can have ice chips. That calmed me down. Good luck!!!

Delenn said...

You have understandable fears, but don't worry. On the mothering part--parenting is a lot of common sense stuff. Really. No one is perfect, but those little ones take a while to become toddlers and children, and young adults...you get a chance to grow into being a mom. And at first, while it is exhausting (I cannot even IMAGINE with TWINS), its all just practical stuff (diaper, feed, comfort). The harder stuff, like figuring out playdates and bullies and school...you'll have time to adjust.

As for the C-Section--I am totally with you on the not liking to be numb. I had an emergency C-Section with Michael. The worst part was the epidural, which was made worse because I was in labor (13 hours--induced, no meds). But, if you have a scheduled, the eppy shouldn't be that hard.

Breathing tho--had no troubles, and in fact was kinda with it enough to hear what was going on and to see Micheal taken over to the table (he was in distress and blue--so I did not get to see him right away). My fears--my tongue seemed to be HUGE in my mind and I kept thinking I was going to swallow it. In recovery, I started to shake and shiver uncontrollably--which I have since found out is common.

Other than that (which might have been an hour), everything else was fine and within 1/2 hour of the C being done, I was nursing my son.

I am also having a scheduled C with my daughter in a few weeks, so I understand your worries, but really--its okay! And recovery shouldn't be too bad.

Good luck, Sticky!!! Like JJ, I have been following you and Serenity for a while, and its so wonderful to see you guys reaching the GOAL!

E said...

Wow. I think you have every right to be a little nervous about the whole business, but we bloggers out here know you've got what it takes to SHINE through this! I can't blame you a bit for wanting your husband to be with you right after they're born. The Stickies will be in very good hands and you will be so much better off having him by your side. His presence will actually help you get through it, whereas with the Stickies, a few more minutes before they get to hang with Pops isn't going to make or break them. I promise!

Now for my relaxation assvice. (So not a professional here!) Try not to panic too much! Sometimes just by saying that you tend to be a panicker, you might give yourself too much license to do just that. Just remind yourself how strong you've been all through this. From the very first month of trying when you didn't get that magic BFP, all the way through IF hell, then your trip to the ER, the hematoma, all of it! You've rocked it all, and have protected these two little beings so well. You're going to keep on doing it, so you just need to remind yourself how good you are at it.

This only works if you're a snowboarder or skier, but an actual technique that works for me is to close my eyes and imagine myself on the most perfect snowboarding day, on an infinite, perfect run. I just carve turn after turn and I find it really soothing.

Keep us posted!!!

Kristen said...

3 days is so close and I can't imagine the anxiety and anticipation. It will be here before you know it and I hope all of the fear and uncertainty will just melt away when you hear your little sticky buns for the first time.

I can't wait to hear all about them and I will be thinking of you and wishing you a quick recovery! XOXO

Tam said...

I really thought that maybe the stickies had arrived. I can't believe that you are almost 38 weeks pregnant with twins, you go sticky!!!

I'm nor surprised that you're scared, I think that I would be too but it will all be worth it in the end, you'll be just fine and yes, you are overthinking it but we are all only human!!

You not a bad mom at all, you'll see what you feel like then, I think that when you see those little stickies, all will just melt away and you'll be more concerned and in love with them than anything else.

Hang in there and good luck with this life changing experience!!

Much love and big hugs xxx

anna said...

Honey, you will be o.k. Just know that everything will work out right. I know that we have a way of questioning this since for a very long time, it didn't work out alright, but at this very moment, please just keep telling yourself this.

You are going to be an amazing mother. Those babies will come out, regardless of how they're delivered, and love you just becuase you're the Sticky Mama!!! You don't need to do anything else. You have carried them so lovingly, making your way to 38 weeks with hardly a complaint. Your babies have felt that love and know instinctively when they smell you that you're that special person. The rest- well, we'll both figure that out when we get to it, right?!

If your anxiety gets very bad during the c-section, try some guided visualization...close your eyes and imagine you're sitting by the side of a river, and it's quite lovely around you. Imagine each of your worries just floating by and away.... use this as a back-up in case you do feel like you can't take a full breath. Sometimes putting yourself somewhere else for a short time mentally does the trick!

Know that I'm thinkin about you, praying for you and the stickies, and anxiously awaiting any word of their arrival!!!

Dianne/Flutter said...

Hoping for the best for you. Truly. That the stickies and you are all get a smooth and uneventful birth.

Diana said...

Here is your kick in the head!!! Chill out, people have been doing this for thousands of years!!! Your instincts will kick in and all will be well. With that said, I am starting to panic a bit too!!!

Becca said...

Great post. It has interesting points regarding
panic attacks. I've finally learnt how to control it from www.whatcausespanicattacks.com.Pretty useful. Any opinions?

Delenn said...

Good Luck, Sticky Bun!!!