Sunday, June 15, 2008

Growing up and away…

I was reading Serenity’s latest post about remembering, and something really struck me. In one of her last lines she said, “as we celebrate every milestone, he grows away from me.” As I read that line, I cried.

And as I thought more about it, I realize that I feel like I’m crying a lot more now than I have in the past, even more than I did throughout our struggles with infertility. But this crying is so very different.

Now I cry because my heart is so full, it’s almost constantly ready to burst. I started to tear up yesterday when both Monkey Girl and Sweet Potato grabbed their first toy. They just reached right out and grabbed a hold of it and took it out of my hands. It was such a sweet moment—you could almost see them learning and their little brains working as they stared so intently at this tiny ring; as they batted it a few times as if to see if it were really there; and as they wrapped their tiny little fingers around it and took it away. And I was so proud of them it was almost silly.

And I start to get all teary when I just think about their future milestones. I’m reduced to tears when I think about buying Monkey Girl and Sweet Potato their first ice cream cone and seeing their eyes light up when they go to the beach for the first time.

And I cry when I think about the first time they’re not going to be invited to a birthday party, and the first time their feelings are going get hurt by another person from whom I won’t be able to protect them.

I cry when I think about establishing those sweet traditions that are going to arise organically from the monotony of day-to-day life and that I probably won’t even realize how much I’ll treasure until much, much later.

But, Serenity’s right. All of these milestones will help Monkey Girl and Sweet Potato develop a sense of independence. And I know that I’ll be so proud of them; so proud to watch them grow up and need me less and less. But at the same time, I know that as they get older and need me less and less, and when they are embarrassed by my hugs and kisses and want me to drop them off a block away from school, I know I’m going to desperately miss these early days. These days when their little faces just light up when I come over to give them a kiss. These days when they want nothing more than to smoosh with me all day long.

And so, for the first time in my life, I both can’t wait to experience all of their firsts, but also wish that I could pause time to really cherish every single second I have with them right now.


Anonymous said...

Be there for every one of those firsts. Don't miss them because you can never get them back---the first step, the first word, the first time they look up and repeat something you just said. Don't let anyone else have that honor. Be there or you will regret it.

anna said...

Wow, anonymous doesn't waste any time trying to make all of us who have to work feel bad, huh? Sticky, I know exactly how you feel. How wonderful that we've been blessed with these babies!

serenity said...

Ah you got an anonymous commenter who wants to judge you, too. :)

I couldn't have said it any better than this. I cry a lot lately too - but it's happy tears. And I dream about what kind of person Baby O will become. It's awesome.

I think having babies really forces us to stay in the here and now, to appreciate the little things.

You're doing great.

Nearlydawn said...

You know, I was just posting some reflections on our journey... Looks like it is a night for it. :)

I'm so glad that you are full to bursting with your baby-love. It is as it should be. I hope you enjoy the hell out of their firsts x 2. :)

Oh, and if you do happen to miss a first, then it isn't a first. It is just "practice". LOL

Kate said...

Beautiful post, it made me tear up (which I, too, do a lot these days). I can really relate to this--I even wrote something similar (though not nearly as touching and much more long-winded) recently.

Anonymous said...

Brilliantly stated. I love this post. I feel this way all the time and am constantly bouncing between the happy/sad feelings as the babies grow.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Gosh, anonymous sure is judgemental. I've only met ONE mother that in the first year of her child's life didn't leave her baby with anyone else. I think it is unrealistic to think that. Even if you miss something there will be a first time for you to see it. Geesh, get a life anonymous!

You are doing a great job!

Mrs. Piggy said...

beautiful 2.5 wks into my twins as well, thinking these same things. I know right now its monotonous, absolutely exhausting...and everytime I complain I want to slap myself. I will never get this back and will miss this time in our lives once it's over. I also cry over everything now a days, I dont want them to grow up, I want to pause time. I want to remember what this was like and its not even over yet.

Sarah said...

it's all so overwhelming for me when i see my 6.5 yr old niece and all it once it is like yesterday and a million years ago that she was piper's size. my sister and i call those little moments the smilecry. you're heart is so full of love and pride but you're so aware that you'll never have this exact moment again. i'm the opposite of serenity, i never think about who she will become. i HATE thinking about the future. i try my best to soak in every second of the present and never spend even the terrible moments focused on some other place in time. it just goes so terribly fast.

Gibson Twins said...

I just read the anonymous comment from a couple posts ago and I have to say-
I am a stay at home mom to boy/girl twins who are now 20 months old. They have been on a schedule (one I made up to be easiest on ALL FOUR OF US) since they came home from the hospital. I am failing to see the problem in putting babies on a schedule for convenience. I need free time in the afternoon therefore I make my twins take their nap then. Simple. As hard as I tried to get them to sleep all night though, just didn't happen til last month.

And I bet I'm REALLY a bad mom because I JUST took away bottles from them 2 weeks ago!

Hope that helps, I usually don't get into comment bashing becuase its the cowards who hide behind anonymous and usually don't welcome other points of view.

Your two are ADORABLE, seriously! I love the pink/blue outfits- my poor kids still endure my "have to match eachother" antics lol