Sunday, July 13, 2008

The beginning...

Hmmmm…what to post.

There’s a lot bubbing around in my head, but none of it makes its way coherently onto a page.

I’m back at work now, so that’s big. And exhausting. It’s funny, I always used to think I was tired after a week's work before. Man did I not know from tired. I also didn’t realize how much work I used to do from home. I have so many meetings and calls during the day that I would put in a few hours of actual work when I got home at night or on the weekends. Now that I am otherwise occupied with something far more fun and interesting for a good portion of the evening, and now that I’m tired as all get out and don’t want to look at work after the kids go to bed, I realize how reliant on that time I was because I am BEHIND!

But, all of that is really insignificant compared to the bigger picture. That is, one year ago today I got my fertilization report. 7-8 of 10 eggs fertilized. One of those seven is spitting up on hubby as we speak. The other is cracking herself up in her swing.

*sigh*

One thing that’s been occurring to me lately is that, while the stickies have been around for less than half of the time I was actually pregnant, the pregnancy itself seems like a blip. In retrospect, it seems like such an insignificant part of my life, though I know it wasn’t. I mean, for so long I thought of not much else. Then during the pregnancy, it seemed to drag on forever—like an endless waiting game. And now? Now I barely give it a fleeting thought. Ditto for the c-section and everything that went along with it. I remember that it did hurt, but I can’t remember the pain at all. And I can barely piece together what those four days in the hospital were like; it was such a blur.

But, here we are. And you know, it’s funny. I’ve been thinking about the fact that, when asked, most parents will cite the day their kids are born as the most important of their lives. If you asked me on that day, I’m sure I would have given you the same answer, but more because I intellectually understood the importance of the day rather than because I felt its weight. (On the contrary, I think all I could really feel was overwhelmed. And, frankly, confused. “Wait—these are OURS?”) Now I understand. The reason people say the day their kids are born was the best or most important of their lives is not necessarily because of that day itself. Rather, it’s because that’s the day that you can point to and say, "well, that’s when this all began."

For IVF patients, though, I wonder, is the day they’re born more momentous somehow than the day of your retrieval? Or the day you got the fertilization report? Or the transfer? Because today, on this one-year anniversary of the fertilization report, I find myself wondering, in retrospect, whether it wasn’t a year ago yesterday that was the most important of my life. Or a year ago Thursday when we said, somewhat flippantly, "okay, let's transfer two."

After all, wasn’t that truly the beginning?

4 comments:

Diana said...

I fully intend to celebrate thew retrieval day as well as the transfer day. In a way I think they are more significant than her actual birthday. Not sure why but they are just such meaningful days to me.

Sarah said...

yep, me too.

the upside, at least for me, on the work thing is that i don't care half as much about being behind as i used to :) it's not great feeling like i do a half-assed job at everything, but at least i've got something better to think about now too.

sushilover said...

thanks so much for taking us back to the beginning. I follow your blog but don't know if I ever caught the story from the beginning. It truly touched me :)

Ms. Planner said...

Working full time with twin babies? Sticky Bun, you are my hero.