Thursday, December 04, 2008

Remembering

It's not the same, I know, but today will always hold a special place in my heart. If things had gone according to plan, we'd be celebrating the second birthday of the the baby I lost in my first miscarriage.

There is no question that sweet potato and monkey girl take the sting out of this year's anniversary. It's not sad this year as much as it is bittersweet. But it is a reminder of everything that we went through.

I can so clearly remember two years ago the pain I felt. We were several months past miscarriage. We had gone to the RE for the first time for a first round of tests and realized that nothing was "wrong." You know, other than the fact that we had gotten pregnant, lost the baby, then couldn't seem to get pregnant again.

I remember how much pressure I had put on the holidays that year--I just kept telling myself that as long as I was pregnant by the holidays, everything would be okay.

Needless to say, I wasn't pregnant. Hubby and I got in a big fight on December 4 that year. He thought I was taking it too hard, and I thought he was being too flip about it. I remember the fight SO. CLEARLY. And I can remember the pain and the desperation I felt. That day, two years ago, I really felt, perhaps for the first time, that this journey might actually not end happily. I realized that, for some, eventually taking home a baby isn't a foregone conclusion, and that we might be among that group.

In the midst of the most painful months, I can remember hubby and I talking and saying that, if someone just told us that it would take us X months to get pregnant, but that we would, indeed, have children, it would be easier to go through IF. The certainty of knowing that it would ultimately work was all we needed.

In hindsight, that's absolutely true. Looking back, it doesn't seem like it took that long to get pregnant after that first "due date." I mean, 16 months after the miscarriage and 8 months after the due date, the stickies nestled in for the long haul. I now see how lucky we were that that happened so quickly. At the time, though, that didn't feel quick. It felt raw, interminable, painful.

But now? Well, now here I sit. I have a half-decorated tree and two extra stockings hung. I don't know if we'll ever find time to finish putting the ornaments up, but I don't care. My house has never looked more chaotic, but it's never felt fuller.

And, while I'm not saying that everything happens for a reason, I can say that the joy I feel right now makes the pain we went through somehow okay. I mean, I would do anything for monkey girl and sweet potato, and that journey did bring them to me. I know we're lucky in that way. I know there are far too many people who haven't gotten the light at the end of the tunnel, and my heart breaks for you.

So, on this December 4, in honor of everyone having a tough holiday season, I want to remember the one we lost. And I wish everyone joy that will dull the aches that right now are so intense.

4 comments:

Waiting Amy said...

Interesting, I just posted also about remembering and the impact of the IF journey. I suppose the time of year does it for many -- but for me it was also a time of many emotions regarding IF.

So glad you will celebrate with the stickies this year. And here is to all our friends still hoping, may their holiday hold some special joys.

Ms. Planner said...

I have tears in my eyes after reading this post. It is like you looked into my heart and read every word aloud (well, with the except of the sweet potato and monkey girl part).

Thank you for checking in on my blog and leaving such a nice comment as it had been so long since I checked in on everyone.

I am so happy for you this Christmas holiday. I only wish I could bring this joy to everyone out there still waiting for the pain to go away.

Lindsay said...

THank you for your post. I'll soon be approaching the due date from my first miscarriage in May and so understand the mixed feelings. I hope someday soon, I'll have have a little miracle to ease the pain a little and remind me of where I've been.

FattyPants said...

I couldn't have said it better. I know as the due date passed for my miscarriage I felt so hollow. Its hard, but when you finally get there the reward is so very sweet.