Monday, March 30, 2009

Not this month...

As I mentioned in my last post, today was the cutoff date. If I didn't get AF by today, I'd have to wait a full cycle before starting the FET process.

Needless to say, AF didn't show up today. And so we wait.*

I guess in hindsight I am a little disappointed. Stupid IF. I mean, it's not like I was itching to start the FET. I meant what I said last time, that I was just going to leave it up to fate and not stress too much about it.

And I haven't been--I really didn't give it a second thought until this weekend when it occurred to me that the date was fast approaching.

But now that the window has closed, I'm just pissed. On some level that I can't even explain or even comprehend, it's serving as another reminder of how little control over our reproductive choices we have. How we're forced to "leave it to fate," and how many months we were on the wrong side of those odds.

I feel awful even feeling that way because I know how lucky we are. But somehow this is making me realize what we're up against. It's making me realize all of the wounds that we're going to open when we go down this path again. The fear. The disappointment. The uncertainty.

Being infertile sucks. I know that isn't eloquent, but it just does. There's no good spin to put on it. This is something that's supposed to be so easy, but it's not.

And I'm just angry. Or PMSing. Or both.


*Yesterday, the thought did cross my mind, "oh, hey, maybe I'm pregnant." Then I laughed my ass off and finished my second beer.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Super Bowl

It's hard to express in a post how I'm feeling right now. My babies--my sweet little stickies--turn 1 tomorrow.

I feel like this momentous occasion wants for a super bowl-style post. You know, something deep and eloquent that captures all of the emotions I'm feeling right now.

Instead, though, I find myself--as I have a lot lately!--somewhat at a loss for words. The truth is, there is no way to sum up the past year. It was, in every sense of the words, life altering. One year ago, almost to the hour, my life was permanently altered. I was given two beautiful little gifts. Two gifts that have given me more joy than I have ever or will ever know. Two gifts who will test me in ways I can't even contemplate right now.

Happy Birthday, my sweet little sticky buns! Thanks for the best year yet.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Back in the saddle again...

AF finally showed up about two weeks ago. I have to say, I was anticipating a deluge--after all, it's been almost a year since the stickies were born and I've heard, from one too many people I might add, how HORRIFIC the first period after baby is. But, I have to say it was mercifully normal.

I think I had slightly worse PMS than usual. One day while I was home alone taking care of Monkey Girl and Sweet Potato I got what I can only assume was a mini-migraine. (Flashes of light in my eye that wouldn't go away followed by a headache. I'm guessing that's what that was...)

Then while I was on line at the local coffee house catching up on blogs on my phone, I read the great news about Sarah's ultrasound and started to get all teary. And, while I was certainly invested in her cycle and hoping for the best, I'm not one to cry in public.

So, I had at least a few hints that she was on her way.

I do have to say, though, I haven't missed her. Not one bit. What a pain in the ass, especially for us infertiles when the dawn of a new cycle doesn't really bring the promise of unfiltered sex followed happily nine months later by a real, live baby.

But, in this case, it was a good thing. Now we can start preparing for the upcoming FET.


So, in preparation for the FET, after I got AF, I dutifully scheduled my appointment for the hysterosonogram (sp?) last Wednesday.

It's funny, when I went back to Dr. Smirky's office, I realized how wildly out of practice I am. Like most veteran infertiles, I used to go to the appointments and practically jab myself with the needle to take my own blood. And I used to be able to draw a map for the best way to get a catheter through my cervix.

But now? Not so much. I nearly passed out when they took my blood. And the whole cervix thing was really uncomfortable.

What a wimp.

But they did finally get the catheter in and we got a good look at the ute. It's still there. And they didn't see anything worrisome. (Frankly, I don't know what they were looking for that would be worrisome, but I'm happy they didn't see whatever that would have been.)

I think all of the drama about the bloodwork and the exam was really a reflection of how stressed I am about this nonsense, though. I find myself feeling really...really, I don't know. Stressed and angry, I guess.

Stressed because the thought of either having another child or opening up the endless cycling can of worms is just a lot. The past year has been really nice. It's been nice to just be able to focus on the stickies and not think about ovulation or pregnancy or infertility. And now, even though the pressure is less than it used to be, it's still stressful to think about opening up that can of worms again. I mean, what will we do if this doesn't work? Will we go down the treatment route? Will we embark on endless DIY cycles? Will we cut our losses with monkey girl and sweet potato and move on for good?

Hard to say how we'll feel, though knowing me and knowing that we'd really like another child, it will be hard to just turn it off.

And, of course, I'm angry for all of the reasons we know too well. I'm just still so pissed that so many people don't EVER have to deal with all of this drama. Hubby and I wanted three, possibly four kids. And for so many people, the only thing they need to consider on the road to parenthood is how to time the kids, not whether it's even possible.

And it's interesting, now that the stickies are here, I know we should just cut our losses and be happy. And, while I am of course happy with our little family and know that we'll be okay no matter what happens, I'm still just pissed that infertility gets to dictate how many children I get to have. I am angry because I want it to be a decision that WE make, not one that is made for us.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's just get to the FET, shall we?

And to that end, assuming I get my next period before March 31, we're a go for this cycle. I start estrogen on Day 2 and we see what happens.

If AF doesn't come until after March 31, we have to wait it out a cycle because the clinic is closing for cleaning in April.

I'm really not hoping one way or another. If it happens before April, great. If not, we'll wait. For the first time, I'm really just letting the chips fall where they may. I long ago gave up on planning, so I'll just have to trust that it'll be the way it's "supposed" to be. Whatever that means.

So, here we go. Hang on tight!