Monday, March 30, 2009

Not this month...

As I mentioned in my last post, today was the cutoff date. If I didn't get AF by today, I'd have to wait a full cycle before starting the FET process.

Needless to say, AF didn't show up today. And so we wait.*

I guess in hindsight I am a little disappointed. Stupid IF. I mean, it's not like I was itching to start the FET. I meant what I said last time, that I was just going to leave it up to fate and not stress too much about it.

And I haven't been--I really didn't give it a second thought until this weekend when it occurred to me that the date was fast approaching.

But now that the window has closed, I'm just pissed. On some level that I can't even explain or even comprehend, it's serving as another reminder of how little control over our reproductive choices we have. How we're forced to "leave it to fate," and how many months we were on the wrong side of those odds.

I feel awful even feeling that way because I know how lucky we are. But somehow this is making me realize what we're up against. It's making me realize all of the wounds that we're going to open when we go down this path again. The fear. The disappointment. The uncertainty.

Being infertile sucks. I know that isn't eloquent, but it just does. There's no good spin to put on it. This is something that's supposed to be so easy, but it's not.

And I'm just angry. Or PMSing. Or both.

Bleh.

*Yesterday, the thought did cross my mind, "oh, hey, maybe I'm pregnant." Then I laughed my ass off and finished my second beer.

4 comments:

E said...

Hey Chickie - Sorry this stuff is rearing its ugly head once again. It really does suck. There's no need to be eloquent about it.

anna said...

It sucks, but I think it sucks in a different way now because we've been down that road before, been so very wounded, and then felt such immense joy with our twins. And now, you're heading down the same road again, with two car seats in your back seat, and recalling all the pot holes you were so used to dodging and cursing before. I think it's nice not to have the shock of how bad infertility sucks like I know I experienced the first time down this road. Thanks for the email...so lovely for you to check in!

Ms. Planner said...

Oh sister. I KNOW. This is exactly why I fear trying again. Come to think of it, I don't think those IF wounds will heal for a good long time. Maybe, like, when your kids are 10.

Sarah said...

it sucks. even if you didn't have your heart set on making the date this time, it just brings back so many familiar feelings. sucky familiar feelings. boo.