Friday, June 05, 2009

The $1 million question

Sarah asked a great question today: "if you have two frozen, what are you going to do if they both do well in the thaw."

We were indeed lucky enough to have to frozen. And they are indeed frozen together. Which means we may or may not have two to transfer.

In short, we're going to transfer both. And, yes, that does terrify me. To my core.

The thing is, I laid out a few conditions when we decided to do IVF. The biggest was that, we couldn't go into the process unless we were willing to raise as children all of the embryos we created.

And so, since we have to thaw both together. And since I really can't see destroying one, we're left with just the option to transfer whichever of our beloved stickcicles make it through the thaw.

It actually seems downright silly to contemplate the possibility that we'd get pregnant with twins again. I mean, the chances of both making it through the thaw in good shape are, sadly, probably not that high. (Though, as a testament to what a different place I am right now, I haven't even Googled that factoid yet. I will now, of course, but I haven't yet.) And, if they both do make it through in good shape, I believe there's only around a 25% chance that we'd get pregnant at all. And only a 16% chance that we'd get pregnant with twins. (Yes, those I researched through my clinic's SART reports.)

So, I guess I'm not really contemplating it as a REAL possibility.

But, if we're on the winning end of all of those stats? Well, then please buy me a good stiff drink and wish us the best.

In other completely random news, I've become obsessed with the song "Sometime Ar*und Midnight." Anyone familiar? If not, I highly recommend it. It's FANTASTIC. I've listened to it about a million times in the past 24 hours.

For some reason it really hit me. It's brought back a flood of emotions and memories from my 20s in DC. It's essentially the story of a guy who runs into an ex-love at a bar and is so overcome with emotion and memories.

And, it's funny, my emotional reaction to the song has been super strong. Not that it reminds me of any ex-love in particular or because the story really speaks to me. Rather, the song is so full of emotion and electricity and it just reminds me of those feelings--that madness that was my 20s.

I can remember going to bars and getting super excited about new dates and about the electricity that comes with seeing an intriguing new stranger across the room or getting a phone call from someone you're so excited to see again.

And I can remember getting so sad at break-ups. Wondering what happened. Worrying that I'd never find "the one."

It's funny, I think that's really the only time in life where you have those kinds of emotional highs and lows. Nowadays the everyday emotions seem almost muted by contrast. The electricity isn't quite there anymore.

And I don't mean the electricity of a new relationship, though that's part of it. But there was just something electric and exciting about the whole time period. I think it's the kind of electricity you can only feel when you're just starting out, sitting on the edge of the "real world" and just starting to dip your toes in the water. I didn't for example, feel the same electricity in high school and college. For some reason, living on my own for the first time, going out with the friends who were really your urban surrogate family, there was something electric about the whole era.

I'm not saying that I wish I was anywhere other than where I am today. But for some reason listening to this song has made me realize that that kind of electricity is really something you experience at a stage of life that, for better or worse, I've passed.

Of course, it had to pass. Being 34 and trying to live the way you lived when you were 22 is just...well, less electric than sad.

But, just because you're happy with the way your life has turned out and the way it's going doesn't mean you can't be nostalgic for the past.

Although, as I'm writing this, something is starting to occur to me. Actually, there is one other period that, in theory, should breed that kind of electricity--the period when you're trying to have kids and build your family. So, really, shouldn't I be feeling similarly excited now? Instead, though, I just feel...I don't know. Tired and scared, I guess.

It's really too bad, too. There's something wonderful about feeling that crazy mad electricity. And, it's too bad that I can't get more excited about this cycle and the journey it represents. But for us--for all of us--it's hard to get too excited because...well because of everything you all know all too well. So, rather than feeling excited, I'm just feeling...cautious.

Wow, this went in a different direction than I thought and ended up as a random tangent. Perhaps is the estraid*l talking? Either way, it's a good song. Check it out. :-)

In the meantime, bloodwork and ultrasound Monday and, if all goes well, transfer next week.



Coffeegrl said...

Good luck! And I miss that electricity too. There are wonderful things in my life right now, but things are muted. Maybe by the stark reality of having to pay bills and having a baby depending on me and other things that just tone down the manic "highness" of it all. And maybe that's a good thing in the end!

Sarah said...

I know exactly what you mean, there are little things that will set off that kind of nostalgia for me and it always leaves me a little sad. As happy as I am now, it's just a reminder of how gone those days are, and I don't much like being reminded of the fleeting speck of time my life occupied. I get a weird lonely feeling too knowing there are these places and people and times that are mine only, that I can't take my husband there and show him what it is to me at the time, etc. because it would never be the same. Once in the early days of Piper's life when I was still hopped up on all the hormones I cried my eyes out over realizing she would never know The Office (the show) the way I do because it will be way old reruns by the time she would care. Silly.

And yes I would make the same choice about the sticks. Especially after having twins how could you ever choose one??

anna said...

Awesome! I can't believe it's time for your itty bitty embies to thaw. That's funny that you comment on this nostalgia for your 20s. I passed by my college campus last week and have also been thinking about my lovely 20s and care-free, electric college life. There's something entirely intense and electric in a different way (though a much more tired way) about chasing after our toddler twins, isn't there?!