Monday, June 15, 2009

Hang on, Stickcicles (part deux)!

Here they are, our two beautiful little stickcicles, the siblings to our beautiful Monkey Girl and Sweet Potato, who were frozen almost exactly two years ago.

It's funny, both because things have been so busy and because this is an FET, I've basically been living in denial that we're mid-cycle.

Take yesterday, for example. After I put the stickies to bed, I checked the messages and had a fairly cryptic one from the lab asking me to call them back. I was admittedly a little freaked--maybe the embryos aren't going to make it!--but I really didn't lose any sleep or obsess over it.

Denial.

Then today, I had an early meeting in the city (way downtown)--fairly convenient given that my transfer is in midtown. (You see, I go to a satellite clinic of a University center so only have to go to the midtown clinic for retrievals and transfers.) So, I got up at 5:30, got ready, and caught an early train. Hubby came later and we planned to meet for a quick lunch before going to the transfer.

Seriously, do you hear how I was talking about this?! Going to meetings? Fitting in a quick lunch? Time was, I'd be planning my whole week around this. Now? Denial.

But, I think my cycle-long denial started to wear off a bit today. As evidenced by the fact that I almost cried in my meeting. Twice. And LITERALLY, nothing happened that could remotely have upset me.

Seriously?

I chalk it up to pent up emotions finally starting to bubble to the surface.

They started to come out in full force once we got to the clinic. I started to get really nervous and stressed. And then I started to feel the weight of what we were about to do. I started to realize how much I wanted this. Damnit, we wanted three kids. At least! I started to realize that this was a freebie--a free cycle before we had to make some hard decisions. And part of me doesn't want it to end. I don't want to face any brutal facts.

Then, we got pulled back for the transfer and the doctor came in and gave us the status report. Both survived, but as I mentioned, one didn't look great.

I almost cried when he said that. And that's when I started to realize how different I feel this time around. It feels so much more real. Last time, the thought of a pregnancy or an embryo ending in a real, live baby was so foreign to me I couldn't even go there.

Now?

Well, it's very real. I've been to this place--I've looked at the embryos on the screen and taken the picture home. And now that picture is the first in the stickies' baby book.

So hearing that one embryo didn't look viable? Honestly, it gave me a different kind of twinge.

And then suddenly I felt horribly guilty for being in denial for this cycle. I felt like maybe I wasn't taking it seriously enough and I wondered--if it doesn't work, will that be why?

Ugh.

Have I mentioned that I f*cking HATE infertility and the mind games it plays on you?

In other news, this clinic has either gotten really loose in their efforts to make you feel more comfortable or I've become a big-time infertile prude. When I got taken back for the transfer, I sat back on the table and put my feet in the stirrups. But they offered nothing--no blanket or covering. So, there I was. Spreadeagled on the table, girly bits flapping in the breeze while they scurried around for several minutes.

Seriously, people. Would a light blanket kill you?

Oh, and I forgot to tell you about the woman who was scheduled for a transfer at the same time as me. We were in the dressing rooms--which are technically different rooms, though separated only by a paper-thin wall--and she was talking SO. LOUD.

"Well, you know, I have a TWO-YEAR-OLD at home, so my husband is coming later."

"Okay."

"And, do you have my Valium?" (Yes, she was in there for a TRANSFER, not retrieval.)

"Yes, here it is."

"Oh, no, I need just one 10mg tablet. You see, I have a TWO-YEAR-OLD at home, so I can't be too out of it."

"Oh, okay."

"I mean, last time, I took more and I was laid out for a full day, but now I have a TWO-YEAR-OLD at home so, I need to take it easy."

"Okay. Well, we can't give you Valium unless someone is here to escort you home."

"Oh, well I'm supposed to call my husband to pick me up, but I need to wait, because, you see, I have a TWO-YEAR-OLD at home that he's taking care of today."

I left wondering if she had any kids.

Anyhow, that's the news from here. Back in the 2ww. Oh! How I haven't missed ye!

8 comments:

E said...

I wish you'd piped in with "Shut it, poser, I have TWO 1-YR OLDS at home!"

Seriously, though. Wow. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you, lady!

Globetrotting Cacti said...

Sending positive thoughts your way. I have not been through FET (no embryos to freeze) but have gorgeous 12 week old IVF twins - have been following your blog for a while. Hugs to you x

Angie said...

Thinking of you and hoping for a very successful outcome to this cycle!

Regardless of if you were in denial or not, you did everything just as you should have this cycle. I agree that the mind games that IF plays with you are the worst. We all go through it but the real truth is, it doesn't matter (ha! Easy to say). It'll either happen or it won't and being in denial that it matters won't have a darn thing to do with it. It wouldn't have helped any to obsessed over the cycle either. Just hang in there and know that there is a lot of people out here who are thinking of you and hoping for the best!

I also hope your two week wait flys by very quickly. I'll be joining you later this week. Ugh.

Sarah said...

OMG, the 2ww, eeeek!!! hope it is easier for you this time! i feel like i went only slightly crazy with mine while piper distracted me the rest of the time-thank god.

and yeah, after 6 IUIs and 2 transfers i've NEVER been left flapping in the breeze. not cool at all. do you think clinic staff just wouldn't even notice, say, a giant labia printed on a billboard because they see so much of it? (ewwwwwww, sorry for the mental image!)

Tam said...

Oh my....this has just flown by!! I'm so glad that both your stickies made it to transfer and I SO get that it's different this time round. I've always thought that FET's were easier but I suppose it's different when you're on the otherside of IF.

I'm crossing all crossables for you dear friend!!

Hugs xxx

Flower said...

Ugh!!I could have snatched that woman through that paper thin wall. (eyes rolling) Sending postive vibes your way and praying that your embies continue to make a home in you for at least 9 months.

Belly Laughs said...

Sending you lots of positive thoughts. I hope everything goes well!!! xoxox

docgrumbles said...

loud talkers are the worst!

best of luck!