Monday, June 15, 2009

Hang on, Stickcicles!

On the train home from my transfer, plus two embryos. I'm feeling so much right now, it's hard to capture it in a mobile post.

Both embryos survived the thaw, one "beautifully" and one that doesn't look too good, apparently. I'm happy of course that one looks good, but deeply saddened that the other did not. Not in a "I'm disappointed it might not work" way, but more in a "I feel guilty that, because of random chance and happenstance, we chose you to freeze and, because of that, the chances of survival are far lower than if we had made a different choice two years ago.

It's a strange and unexpected feeling that is born, I suppose, from the fact that the last two embryos we transferred did survive.

I know, I know: maybe if I HAD transferred this one, it wouldn't have. And I wouldn't trade Monkey Girl and Sweet Potato for anything. But I definitely feel this transfer a lot differently.

I'll post more later--perhaps when I've sorted this out better. But for now, I feel somehow at peace that my beautiful stickcicles are back home where they belong. I only hope they hold on tight and that I can provide a cosy resting place for them because I'm alredy attached.


anna said...

Hold on, little sticksicles, indeed! I'm prayin for siblings for your stickies!!! Hope you get some time to rest and process all of this.

Meghan said...

Good luck! I'll be thinking of you, especially as you process all that. it has to be a bit of an emotional overload

Sarah said...

it is interesting how our specific experiences influence our feelings about all this. with piper we transferred two and only one took. the second time around i definitely connected those little beginnings much more to potential babies, but again we transferred two and only got one. it's as if somehow in my mind, two embryos is the cost of one baby, and it was hard for me to imagine it happening any other way.