Tuesday, June 23, 2009

That old familiar feeling

It was unavoidable, really. I knew the emotion of this all would eventually come rushing back. And today it did. In full force. Of course, it's different. I get that. I'm in a very different place than I was last time. Last time I felt the desperation that you can only feel when you sit on the precipice, wondering if you'll ever be blessed with children.

Today, I am so lucky. I have two beautiful children. I get how different it is.

At the same time, though, that feeling of desperation seems unavoidable. All day I've felt the weight of this cycle. You see, I always wanted three children. Hubby might even want four. And I can't escape the feeling that this is our best hope to make that happen. If tomorrow's result is negative, I am not sure what we'll do. We have two children already, so it almost seems foolish to do treatments again. I mean, IUI is either pointless--because it's never worked before--or gives us a risk of multiples or higher order multiples. And that almost seems irresponsible.

IVF could help us control for that, but I always said that I would have to be willing to raise as children the number of embryos we create. So, that's a complicated thought experiment.

And then there's the DIY option. And, well that just seems less than ideal for so many reasons. First because in more than two years of trying, we had one success (if you can call it that) which resulted in a miscarriage. I don't want to open up the possibility of month after month of disappointment and timed s*x and everything that goes along with that.


And so, here I sit. I'm less than 12 hours from the HPTs that I broke down and bought yesterday. And I feel so similar to last time. Last time, I remember feeling that I almost didn't want the 2ww to end. Not that I like the 2ww, mind you, because we all know it sucks, but rather because during the 2ww there is still hope. And hope, however little of it you feel, is better than a flat out rejection.

This time, I feel similarly. I'm literally petrified of a negative. I just don't want to feel infertile again. I don't want infertility to get to dictate how many fu*king kids we get to have. I want to be able to have three kids. I want them to be close together in age. I want it all. And it just pisses me off that it doesn't necessarily get to be that easy for us.


So tomorrow is D-Day. Come on, stickcicles! Please hang on tight.


anna said...

Oh Sticky! It'll be o.k. I promise. I won't go into it now, but DIY is not the end of the world. Again, we'll talk after your results tomorrow. I'm praying that this works out for you, but it's not gloom and doom as you imagine...I promise!

E said...

I'll be thinking good thoughts for you, sister!

Angie said...

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting the 2ww to end. It is so nice to hold on to that hope. I am thinking positive thoughts for you and hoping that this cycle was successful and that you don't have to face any of those difficult decisions.

Meghan said...

Good luck today!

cowboyboot lady said...

Sending good thoughts your way!

Leah said...

I know these feelings all to well. It *is* very different once you already have children, but yet it's still the same.

I am hoping, wishing and praying for great news. Please update as soon as you know something!!