Friday, July 24, 2009

The fallout and the definition of insanity

I'm truly amazed at the difference between having a "natural" miscarriage and a D&C. Perhaps I just lucked out or something, but it was astonishingly easy. I barely bled, barely cramped. On some level, it really just should not have been that easy.

It's funny, on Monday when we got the news and when Smirky recommended the D&C, I said to hubby that I just wasn't sure whether I wanted to do it. I felt, on some level, that I wanted to feel the miscarriage, like that was the only way I'd really face all of the emotions of this whole debacle.

In the end, though, I talked to my sister-in-law (the surgeon I have a TON of respect for and love dearly) and she highly recommended the D&C. She explained that it reduced the chances of infection and that, with the natural miscarriage, the chances of having a D&C in addition were actually fairly high. And, it's more predictable. We had no way of knowing when I'd miscarry on my own.

So, physically, my recovery has been fairly uneventful.

Time will only tell what impact that will have on me emotionally because, frankly, I haven't faced the full emotion and weight of all of this yet. Hubby and I blew off work for the whole week and just spent time together. We buried our feelings in retail therapy and tasty food. I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with those coping mechanisms.

I can't say I regret it, though. We spent a lot of time, just the two of us. And it was nice. We talked a lot and tried to sort out some of our emotions. Hubby is really sad. Both of us really felt like this FET was our best chance for a third baby. And we felt so lucky that we had gotten pregnant. We couldn't believe our good fortune--we had the chance of a third child before I turned 35, we had the chance of a brother or sister for the stickies. We were genuinely so excited.

And we don't know what to do. We feel like someone has broken their promise to us. And now we're just staring down the barrel of empty milestones.

We also now have to decide what to do next. We weren't just doing the FET because we had the stickcicles; we genuinely wanted another baby. And so we've been all over the place about what we should do next. One day I said "I'm done. We have two kids, let's just get away from this infertility crap. I don't want to open this can of worms again."

Another day I said, "Forget it, I'm totally up for IVF. I know we risk multiples, but we wanted a big family, we have one more insurance cycle and it's our best hope."

Then, most recently, I had the most ridiculous thought of them all.

"I think we can get pregnant on our own," I triumphantly declared to hubby. "I think we should take six months and just really give it a go. No caffeine, perfect timing, do everything 'right'."

Good fucking lord, do I NEVER learn?

We of course have a month (at least--until my next period) to decide for real.

We will schedule a follow-up with Smirky to talk about next steps and what his recommendations are. I don't really know why we need to do that, I sort of know he's going to recommend IVF, but it seems silly not to have a conversation at all. I'd also like to take the opportunity to ask him, in the unlikely event that we get pregnant on our own, would he still monitor my levels, give progesterone, etc. Who knows what our problems is, but if low progresterone has anything to do with it, I'd like to leave as little to chance as possible.

I fucking hate being back here. I want to hope for luck, but part of me curses hope. I remember how many months I "hoped" only to come up empty and I don't want to set myself up for that again.

I'm so conflicted.

Anyhow, Sarah asked if the stickies make all of this any easier. It's a good question (and, no, I don't mind questions).

The long and short of it is, right now, yes, they do. (Ask me again after lord-knows-how-many failed cycles.)

It's still painful, but it's not the same raw, aching, "will I ever have a family" pain. And, I get how different that is. They are beautiful and sweet children. And I hope they will eventually have a sibling, but if ended up being just the four of us, we'd of course be okay.

Hence the conflicted feelings, though. If we'd be okay, why don't I cut my losses?

But why should I have to just because of reproductive challenges?

And so the vicious cycle goes.

So, for now, I'm just hoping AF shows up sooner rather than later so that we can move on, one way or another.


anna said...

Shrink here to tell you that there's nothing wrong with the way you've been coping! Hey, you're processing the recent events more than you think you are just through your blog let alone all the together time with your hubby. As for the choice at hand, I wonder if a little time to just step away from this for a bit and refocus might help. And some well-timed "together time" while your refocusing wouldn't hurt! I hate to get your hopes up, but my world's so confused right now that I don't even know how not to get your hopes up.

Sarah said...

they sure are beautiful children! and i bet they just get sweeter every day.

you are brave. everyone told me that after a successful pregnancy, i should go for one of those miracle conceptions you always hear about. i scoffed at them and said HA! that whole DIY nightmare is the LAST place i want to be. gimme good old fashioned drugs, monitoring, and let this be in the hands of the RE and embryologist because clearly this is NOT my area of expertise. but then i never had the frozen option and knew i didn't want piper to be an only child, so there was never a question of whether i'd be doing ivf again, i had been mentally prepared for it since sometime in the first pregnancy. not that you asked, sorry for the detour...

anyway, your situation is so different and it makes total sense that you need to give it some time before you're going to want to see that can of worms opened again. of course you're entitled to change your mind 500 thousand more times before you settle on anything, but trying naturally seems like a reasonable approach to getting through this phase. it doesn't mean you have to have your hopes up, you can look at it as time to recover and mull over next steps and just see what happens, because really you just never know.

Sarah said...

gag, sorry to be such a comment hog lately!

Belly Laughs said...

I wish it was not so complicated. I can relate to many of your feelings and it stinks that so many of our fertile friends never have to deal with any of these emotions or questions. Take all the time you need. Sending you hugs.

Michele said...

sending hugs...

Ms. Planner said...

I like your idea of taking a piece at a time. When we were nearing the end of our rope with TTC, we set a time table of six more months of DIY + progesterone, at the end of which we would make our next decision. Having a short time table took a lot of the pressure off because I didn't obsess over the seeming infinity of never-ending, unfulfilled cycles.

That being said, it still took a lot of determination and daily work to not become consumed by it. To that end, am sending calm vibes your way.

twelvegrapes said...

I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now. You have successfully put into words those conflicting emotions we all go through and you have every right to feel the way you do. I wish you strength to follow whatever path you choose. Like Ms. Planner said, it takes lots of daily work to not become consumed.
((big hugs))

Coffeegrl said...

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. What a terrible place to have to be all over again.

Belly Laughs said...

Been thinking of you...