Tuesday, July 21, 2009

It ain't just a river...

I'm in denial. I suppose I'm going through the stages of grieving, though my denial isn't a denial of our situation. I get it; this pregnancy isn't viable.

Instead, I'm in denial that it's bothering me. Serious denial. I haven't let myself feel anything. Outside of the initial reaction at the clinic and just outside, I've been pretending nothing's wrong.

Hubby and I went to the mall both yesterday and today as a way of getting away from it all. (As if to add insult to injury, it was pouring rain, so our options were limited.) I replaced my grief with some retain therapy. I bought a new iPh*ne (which I love), we got the stickies new armchairs (which they LOVE), and we went out to two fairly decadent lunches in a row.

It's all an attempt to ignore my pain. I know I have to feel the pain, but I just don't fucking want to. I want to go back to 8 weeks ago, to the day before I started the cycle when I was still feeling quite distant from infertility and miscarriage.

So, I'm pretending that that's what I feel like.

Except that, sometimes it creeps up on you when you least expect it.

Today, for example, I had to go to my ob/gyn to sign a consent form. This pissed me off. Why couldn't I just sign the f'ing thing tomorrow at the hospital? How am I supposed to deny my feelings if you keep making me face them? Today was supposed to be about denial, damnit.

So, I was irritated to begin with. The rain didn't help. I felt like it was an additional F-You from nature. I've taken two weeks off since maternity leave. The first was when we went on vacation about a month ago and it was chilly and rainy most days. The second is this week. In between both weeks, the weather has been absolutely glorious. But as if to mock my pain, it is going to rain all week.

To add insult to already serious injury, nobody in this god-forsaken state knows how to drive in the rain. And so I sat in TWO HOURS of traffic on the way to the doctor's appointment that I didn't even want to go to to begin with.

I kept my sense of humor for a while, but after an hour and a half, I couldn't do it anymore. I lost it.

"WHY CAN'T WE CATCH A BREAK?!" I cried, as if the traffic and the rain and the infertility and the miscarriage were all part of a grand conspiracy against me.

The traffic was, of course, not the problem. Rather, the traffic presented a rather inconvenient roadblock to my grand denial plan. Two hours to sit with my thoughts was too much; I couldn't ignore my feelings for that long.

Now, as I get closer and closer to my D&C tomorrow, it's getting harder and harder to ignore. I'm scared, really scared. And I'm sad, really sad.

I know there is no answer, but I still find myself wondering, "WHY?"

It's a stupid question, really. It doesn't matter why, it only matters that it is. This is our reality.

It makes me mad, though, because I feel like we were just greedy for trying again. Why couldn't we just be happy with our beautiful stickies? Why did we have to tempt fate?

But, really, fuck that. Why the f*ck shouldn't we try? Are we less deserving of a big family because we are reproductively challenged?


So, the D&C is tomorrow at 12:15. I'm very grateful to have a friend who's the nurse manager at the hospital. I called her and let her know I was going to be there and she sprung into action to ensure I had the best team and got the VIP treatment. I hope that will help, because I'm scared of anesthesia and surgery.

Reassuring D&C stories appreciated. And, please, wish me luck. I hope at least this goes smoothly.

Also, a HUGE thank you for all of your support. I'm humbled and grateful to be surrounded by so many wonderful women who just fundamentally get it. Thank you.


Michele said...

I often ask why, even now. after so man years of IF, I remember thinking we'd get a free pass from miscarriages and infant death. Losing our twins was hell... then we had a m/c. when we got pg again and lost our son, i thought "no way... no way is it possible to lose three perfect babies... no way..." another m/c and now pg again, I just cant think about why b/c it is too hard. i have to say "why not?" instead...

but I hear you... why indeed...

Meghan said...

I like to pretend that the denial riverside is actually this super posh resort...because I spend WAY too much time there.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Just know that you are not greedy or anything like that. We should all be able to have the family we want. And it's not fair that we can't.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow...and the next few days. Hoping you can find some peace.

LuckyOnce said...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I've had 3 D&Es and though I haven't had a natural m/c, I would "recommend" a D&E any day over the stories I've heard of natural m/c. In my experience, D&Es (basically the same as a D&C) have been relatively mild. One was more painful than the others, but not terrible. Recovery was simple, and I got my period back before 6 weeks with the first two. (Still in the waiting period this time.) Good luck with the procedure and try not to worry too much about that part of it. Take good care of yourself, and know that you're not greedy for wanting another. You deserve as many children as you want.

Here from LFCA.

anna said...

Good luck tomorrow! I'll be thinking of you. Bring on the decadent lunches. You should also throw in a few stops for ice cream to top things off. It's just fine to live in denial for a while, particularly if you admit that you're in denial. You'll process this at your own speed- no rush!

Mrs. Piggy said...

ugh you poor thing! :( I thought my IF journey was over too, now that i have twins...but it still lingers and i know i will be just upset down the road if i miscarry again or if my frozens don't take...

I had two d&cs...first one was just fine, second one my crotch burned all day after, like they went in with a blow torch...otherwise easy recoveries....just VERY hard when you know that baby will be taken from you and you just want to keep it inside you and be it's mommy...

Life in Eden said...

Hang in there sweetie. It will be nice that you have a friend at the hospital. I feel everyone (should) get good care -- but it can be extra nice to have someone on the inside. When I had my D&C my husband had just finished rotating at that hospital (he's an MD) -- and everyone was extra nice. One nurse came over and told me about having had a D&C recently and comiserated.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

E said...

Oh honey. I'm just getting this now. Ugh. I am so so sorry. I don't have any good words, but just know I'm thinking about you. xoxo

TeamWinks said...

I am so sorry...

Tam said...

I'm so so sorry. I know it doesn't help and I have no idea of the pain you are feeling right now since I haven't been there. I do however think that you are right, you deserve that big family, it isn't fair and you're not greedy at all. Infertility sucks no matter what end of it you are...

I wish we had the answers, I like to think that oneday we'll magically just get it but the more I travel down this lonely road I'm starting to think not.

My thoughts are with you as always xxx

cowboyboot lady said...

I am so sorry. Thinking of you.

Ms. Planner said...

Hi Sticky. I've been thinking about you a lot. And have tears in my eyes as I write this. The dull ache, the emptiness. It all feels so familiar.

IF/ m/c / infant loss are so unfair. Hell on earth in my opinion.

I have not had a D&C but miscarrying naturally is painful and lonely. It feels just like labor only with no good outcome. Take small comfort that with the D&C route there will be little (physical) pain and that you will have a thoughtful, caring hospital staff to help you through the journey.

I understand and appreciate the need to fill the approaching void with something (and an iPh*ne is a v. good choice - I am jealous). Sometimes, however, we just have to sit with the pain and breathe through it. Sounds corny - just breathe (isn't that the name of a song?). It is hard work but eventually -- and often sooner than we think -- the pain subsides and gradually disappears.

Please take time for yourself. You are not greedy and did nothing to tempt fate. You deserve the family of your dreams. And I have no doubt you will get there one way or another.

So sad, in the meantime, that you have to go through this.


Ms. P