Monday, July 20, 2009

Sad and Confused

I was so nervous about this morning's ultrasound. I mean, I know I'm always scared about these milestones, but for some reason my fear kept growing as we got closer and closer to the clinic.

"I want to say that this is the most nervous I've ever been, but that doesn't make any sense, " I said. "I must have been this nervous before the Stickies, right?" I asked hubby.

I'm sure I was, but today's nervousness now seems to live in my memory as a tragic foreshadowing of what was to come.

I knew almost immediately that it wasn't good news. Smirky inserted the wand, and we saw the sac and a rather large, circular yolk sac, but no embryo. No beautiful heartbeat.

Still, I waited. I needed to hear him say it.

He did, of course. In his quiet, awkward way. Some people would find his social awkwardness off-putting. I find it refreshingly honest and endearing.

He took a few measurements as I choked back tears. Then, he said I could sit up and told me that, once I got dressed, we could go to his office to talk more.

The nurse irritated me. She's new this year and has always turned me off. I missed my two favorites and wanted nothing more than their familiar faces in the room with me.

You had to appreciate this one for trying, I suppose, but I just found her attempts to soothe me invasive and annoying. She didn't deserve to see my pain, I thought. She doesn't know me well enough. She hasn't been there through they ups and downs.

When smirky and the nurse left, hubby and I just hugged and I just cried.

And then the nurse knocked to come in and offer us water.

Again, I'm sure she was being nice, but all I thought was, "Get OUT."

I pulled myself together and got dressed and we went into Smirky's office.

The three of us knew that there was really nothing to talk about.

"It's not a diagnostic dilemma," Smirky said. It was his way of saying, "there is, sadly, no hope. Let's discuss how to move on."

Again, I've always appreciated his candor. And, while his words could be seen as cold, his demeanor was anything but. He was genuinely sorry.

He recommended a D&C and I told him I wanted to think about it. We gathered our things, and I got some "pre-op" blood taken and left.

On the way out, hubby asked if I wanted to get some coffee and breakfast. And I lost it. I miss my coffee desperately, but I wasn't supposed to be able to have it today. I didn't WANT the coffee, damnit. I wanted the baby.

I scheduled the D&C for Wednesday. I still don't know if I'll do it, so your thoughts and experiences are much appreciated. How awful is a 7-week miscarriage? Are the risks of the D&C worth it?

I'm feeling such a flood of emotions right now, it's hard to sort it out.

On the one hand, I feel so very lucky to have Monkey Girl and Sweet Potato. I've always known how lucky we were, but today, hubby said to me, "I guess those were our miracle babies."

After that successful pregnancy and then this positive HPT after this FET, we began to wonder whether our infertility experience before IVF was the anomoly. "Perhaps getting pregnant is the more difficult part?" we wondered. Sure, we've had at least one confirmed miscarriage, but our bigger problem was actually getting pregnant after that. So, once we crossed the pregnancy hurdle, maybe we were destined to fall on the right side of the odds?

Today, we're left thinking that there's something else going on. Something larger and more onerous.

What's more, I'm left with all of those familiar feelings. Those empty promises and those plans that will never come to fruition. I was so looking forward to another baby. I was so looking forward to closing the door on the infertility chapter of our lives and of moving on. I was looking forward to talking to Monkey Girl and Sweet Potato about their little brother or sister, of having a small, smooshy baby to hold again. It's all gone by so fast! I never pictured doing this only once.

I'm so grateful that we have Monkey Girl and Sweet Potato. They have taken some of the sting out of the day. When I came home right before their naps, I went into the playroom, and Sweet Potato ran up and jumped into my lap for a cuddle. He doesn't do that a lot, but it's like he knew I needed it more than anything.

And so for them, I can't let this get me down. I can't lose sight of what we have and focus on what we don't.

But I also can't pretend that I'm not sad. And angry. And scared.

I'm sorry, my sweet stickcicles. I hope that nothing we did sealed your fate, and even though I barely knew you, I'll miss you forever.


Caba said...

I'm so sorry. Sending some love your way.

Manda said...

Hi I'm really sorry to here your news. I read your blog alot cause we're on the IVF train too. What you described on your ultrasound sounds like a blighted ovum. I've had that. Although my doctor always wants to rescan 2 weeks after the 1st before he makes his disscion.
I don't think a D&C is nessesary. Passing the sac you have would be just likea normal period but with some extra yucky cramping at the start maybe for a few hours or a few days. Going through a D&C would be easier in some ways but harder in others plus it always seems ironic to me that we paid them to but the thing in there and then you've gotta pay them to take it out. it sucks i know, so please know your not alone and blighted ovums are just one of those things that nature throws at people, fertile or infertile.
Since you've had a few losses you'd qualify for further testing if you wanted it, like blood clotting etc that can cause early losses. They found one in me so hopefully i'll get to a live birth real soon.

Sorry for the long post and i'm really sorry this happened, hugs!

Belly Laughs said...

Lots and lots of hugs. My heart just breaks for you guys. Hug your kids tight and take all the time you need. xoxo

Peaches said...

I am soo sorry-your post was so utterly heartbreaking, and yet sweet at the end.Your love for your kiddos is obvious :)
I recently had a similar experience at 8 weeks and opted not to go for d&C (As I had one last year and it was not a pleasant experience for numerous reasons). Passing the sac was quite a bit heavier than a period, and crampy, but I was further along than you are--I do not regret forgoing the D&C. It seemed like the right thing to do...I hope you work it out and decide what is best for your family...Thinking of you!

Life in Eden said...

Oh sweets, still so sorry. I know that secondary infertility is often billed as lesser somehow, but you words show just how I felt. Knowing that sweetness makes not having it again even harder in some ways.

I too had a blighted ovuum (spontaneous pg right before my first IVF, ironic huh). I did opt for the D&C so that we could get right back in the saddle since my age seemed a factor. The procedure itself was very smooth for me, my doctor was great. I think the grieving is no different. Certainly there are risks, but it did help me move forward, but that is me. It is a choice only you can make, I hope you can come to some peace with it.

Thinking of you friend.

anna said...

Oh honey, this is absolutely heartbreaking! I'm so sorry and would honestly trade our experiences right now because I know how much you wanted this. Don't lose hope. You guys always knew you wanted 3 or 4 kids...don't let this cursed infertility stand in your way. Sending you tons of love.

Leah said...

Oh Sticky, I'm so sorry. This just sucks so much.

I had 2 miscarriages between my children and it definitely helps take some sting out of the trauma when you have a child (or two) at home to distract you. But you are right, they don't *replace* the one you lost. FWIW, one of my m/c was unexplained (testing revealed a chromosomally healthy boy) and the other was a girl with trisomy 5. Both were unrelated to each other, and unrelated to my infertility.

I had a D&C both times. Each of them were around the 8 week mark and I needed the closure. I didn't want to feel pregnant anymore, I didn't want to wonder when the terrible bleeding would start, I wanted to begin the healing. But that's just me.

I cried and cried reading your post because I could have written it. I know so much how you feel -- desperately wanting to close the chaper on infertility, missing the baby stage, praying for a little brother or sister.

This just sucks so much for, I'm so terribly sorry. I hope you get some answers and can figure out what your next step will be. I'll be thinking of you. xoxo

cowboyboot lady said...

I am so so sorry. I am crying for you. Love and hold your kids, you are so blessed to have them.

niobe said...

I'm holding you in my thoughts.

Delenn said...

I am so sorry. [Hugs]

Michele said...

So sad...

I've had 3 pre-12w m/c and they were all done naturally. There is bleeding and cramping, but honestly, I needed to have that. I needed to have that final reminder of the baby physically. I dont know that I could have done a D&C/D&E. I just needed to hang onto what I had left. I hope that makes sense.

Sending hugs...

just me, dawn said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you a big hug.

Chelle said...

Here from LFCA. I'm so sorry. (hugs)

InfertileMadWoman said...

I am so very sorry sweetie. Lots of Love and Hugs coming your way.


Kate said...

I could relate to so much in this post. I am sure I wrote something very similar when I was going through this. I remember this same feeling--thinking that I could not fall apart because I already had a child, yet feeling so devastated. I think what makes it different from your first loss is that now, because you already have children, you know exactly what you lost with this baby. It is not a vague concept of a baby--it is SO VERY REAL because you know what that Stickcicle COULD have been. It could have been Sweet Potato or Monkey Girl. That's what makes it so heartbreaking. And I am so, so sorry you have to go through this.

I opted for the D&C (at 11 weeks) for several reasons. My body showed no signs of trying to miscarry, even though the measurements indicated that the baby stopped developing two weeks before the aweful 'no heartbeat' u/s. I could not stand the thought of carrying my dead baby, continuing to feel pregnancy symptoms when I obviously wasn't 'growing' a baby. I did not want to wait--and then in the end find out that I needed a D&C anyway. And my son's birthday party was just a few days away, and I didn't want to risk having that be the m/c day. The D&C itself, while hugely emotional, was an uneventful procedure.

That being said, I don't think there is the right answer. I just so much wish you weren't facing this decision. I am very sorry.

MoDLin said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. A loss at any stage is a huge hurting blow. Sending you a gentle hug and some peace.

Artblog said...

I may be a bit late with this, but I wanted to say I'm sorry, very sorry, its all I can really say isn't it :(

Having been where you are a few times myself I cried at the end of this post, again, so sorry!