Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Lies this blogger tells you

I said I wouldn't let myself get pulled back into this nonsense. It's just simply not true. It's unavoidable. A bunch of people have announced pregnancies at work--due dates right around when I would have been due. And AF arrived today, punctuated with a negative HPT about an hour before she came. (Why I bothered, I'll never know...) I can't help it. I feel sad and crappy and left behind. Again. True, the sting is less, but it still stings.

God, do I not want to be here. I told hubby today I just wanted to go back to Smirky and figure out what the right treatment next steps would be. We should have one insurance-covered IVF left. (Hooray for this state's insurance laws!) I think I might just go for it as our last hope. I can't see spending months on DIY. It's too mentally and emotionally draining.

Of course, treatment is no easy decision either. But, we've decided we'd like another. Yes, given the option, I'd prefer one conceived naturally, but perhaps it's worth the risks and the treatment for one last shot. One last hope.

I'll likely call tomorrow to set up a consultation. And we'll just go from there...

F*cking infertility.

Still crossing my fingers on the job front!

6 comments:

Meghan said...

I'm with you, F infertility

hoping Smirky gives you some answers

Erin said...

Picture me with both middle fingers blazing at IF. Fuckin' A. I think you're making a good decision. When you want it, you just want it and, if you'll pardon the pun, there's no sense in fucking around. I'm so glad you guys have that covered cycle. You deserve something to make your decision a little easier.

Life in Eden said...

I know how you feel. Last month AF was a week late AND I was feeling severely nauseous. Of course I thought perhaps this is IT. While I was a bit terrified as I'm getting close to that big 4-0 mark, and already exhausted by life ... I still wanted it to be true. Took the HPT -- AF arrived the next morning. Makes me start to wonder just how mental am I?

Go forth, talk to Smirky, move in a positive direction! Hoping for the job stuff for you too.

Sarah said...

everyone told me i should at least give DIY a chance but i truly couldn't imagine anything more torturous than going through that again. i think you were so brave to try, and i think there's every reason to be optimistic about your odds with another IVF cycle. and i bet smirky will be very happy to see you.

Michele said...

infertility sucks. it sucks so bad.

Ms. Planner said...

I hear you on the "left behind" part. Go forth, grab IF by the effin horns and break that bitch.