Saturday, October 24, 2009

Toddler sleep

So, I gave my notice at work. It went fine--my boss was perfectly pleasant about it. Asked if there was anything they could do to keep me, to which I said, "if there is, I can't imagine it."

We're working on a transition plan. One of the directors who reports to me will be taking over the team, which is great. She's wonderful and deserves it. I'm also starting to ramp up at my new job during the same transition period. So, my life is going to get slightly more complicated before it gets easier.

But, in the end, it should be worth it. I should be able to hobble together a more rational existence that involves fewer work hours and more time with my family. And maybe even some time for me. Hooray!

In other news, the stickies are sick. We've been so lucky. For almost the first 18 months of their life, we've had to deal with very few illnesses. Sure, they got a few colds, and yes they did get hoof and mouth disease once, which was no fun. (104 fever. I still can't believe it's "normal" for babies to get 104 fevers. It certainly felt like sweet potato was going to burst into flames when it happened.)

But, now they're in a Montessori school three mornings a week, so they're exposed to a lot more than they have been in the past. Sure, we knew when we signed them up that they'd basically have a cold for the entire year. What we didn't anticipate was that we'd be dealing with what they're predicting will be both the worst winter in 50 years AND the worst cold/flu season. Awesome.

So, both kiddos have had a pretty nasty cold for the better part of two weeks. They've been real troopers for the most part. Sweet Potato had a rough day or two and is on antibiotics for a slight ear infection. Monkey Girl seemed like she'd be clear of the worst of it, but now two crappy nights of sleep is suggesting otherwise.

And, as I struggled through a rough night last night and a sleepless nap, I came to the realization that I have, literally, no strategy to deal with a 19-month old with sleep challenges. We did some modified sleep training more than a year ago, and have had dreamy sleepers (pun intended) ever since.

But now? Well, Monkey Girl barely fell asleep last night. And only did after MUCH drama. And now we're staring down the barrel of a repeat performance. Last night I blamed it on not giving her pain killer before bed. Today? Well, I have no such excuse. Now I blame it on going in to get her last night. Twice. When there was really nothing wrong. And staying with her for a while. Then today we were at my in laws for my nephew's 1st birthday and we had a disastrous nap where I went in and let her sleep on top of me.

While it feels like I'm being helpful when I do things like that, I'm pretty sure it just sets us back in a very real way. And now, she's been struggling on and off for an hour and a half. I'm sure she's uncomfortable, but there is nothing left for me to do. We've soothed and comforted, given her pain killer. She's tired and she's sick. What she really needs right now is SLEEP.

Ugh. Poor little girl.

Thank god twins are completely immune to each other. Sweet Potato is in there as she struggles, sleeping away. I swear sometimes they're comforted by hearing the other one, because it lets them know they're in it together. It must be funny to be a twin.

In other news, now that I'm going to have (I hope) more free time, I need to meet some friends in this hamlet. Because we moved up here to be close to family, and because our lives have been sheer chaos for a while, we've really spent any extra time we've had with family. And I really haven't met anyone that I've really connected with. And now that I'll be working from home, well, I'm going to need to find a way to reverse that. Any good suggestions for meeting good people when you're a work-from-home mom?

I've also had a post percolating around in my head since last week's front-page New York Times article on fertility treatments and multiple births. More on that later because it definitely hit home when I saw it.

In the meantime, try to stay dry in what appears to be monsoon season in the Northeast.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Okay then, here we go...

Okay, first THANK YOU for the pep talks! It's SO helpful to get support from women that get the struggle.

I ended up not going down to talk to my boss last week, though. I was convinced by the chorus of people who told me to wait until I finished negotiations with the new job. So, I did wait.

I emailed a few times back and forth and then talked to the CFO today. In short, they gave me everything I asked for: title, upped the salary, benefits, transition period, and a partridge in a pear tree. They certainly made it awkward to say no, huh?

So, I'm going to talk to my boss tomorrow. At 2:00.

Holy Sh*t.

So yes, I'm just as nervous as I was to talk to my boss and to tell my team. Only potentially more so, because now I've had a full additional week of making long-term plans. And since my breakdown in my boss's office, he's been trying really hard to show he appreciates me.

Well, okay, he hasn't been trying THAT hard. But for him it's been a step up.

But, really, it's too little too late. And, frankly, there's probably nothing he could do. This opportunity is better than what I could have imagined when I started waxing poetic about having more flexibility and time with the kids. So, it's basically a done deal.

Oh, do you want to hear the punchline, though?

So, I canceled the meeting last week with my boss, which meant that I could keep the post-miscarriage follow-up appointment I had made with Smirky. So, hubby and I piled into the car on Thursday morning--and I stacked back-to-back conference calls for the trip down and back. Then, right around 10:15am, I ran headlong into a huge SUV going almost 30mph.

So the car is nearly totaled. And I never made it to Smirky's office.

Yeah. Talk about a sign of....something.

Then on Tuesday (Monday? I forget already.) AF came. No urban legend post-miscarriage, post-IVF pregnancy for us.

With all of this, I decided I was done--already--with OPKs and timed s*x. F*ck it. I don't want to be sucked into this nonsense, and I have enough of a track record to know where it's leading anyway. And, I mean, if I really want to have another baby, I should just start trying to have another baby the only way that's proven even remotely successful for us in the past.

So, I've booked an IVF cycle with Smirky. I start BCPs around November 10.

I know it's risky, but I'm in a risk-taking mood. I have one more IVF covered. And we'd feel so fortunate to have another baby. And I'm under no delusions that this will work. We got SO LUCKY our first IVF. I can only hope we'll get lucky again, but if it doesn't, at least I'll feel like we did what we could.

Yes, it means we'll have to have some uncomfortable conversations about how many embryos to transfer--assuming we're lucky enough to get that far with more than one--but I'm feeling like it's a risk I'm willing to take.

At least I think I am.

So, there you have it. A big week for Sticky: totaled car, new job, scheduled IVF.

Stay tuned for my next post. Who knows what's in store for us then!

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

I need a pep talk

It's one thing to wish for something. It's quite another to actually get it.

I got the job. The tentative offer came through today, we are just working through some salary/benefits questions before the deal is signed, sealed...

And so now the dull ache in the pit of my stomach grows. I switched around my schedule so I could go into the city to meet with my boss tomorrow. I wanted to tell him in quick order--before the offer was formal and official so I could still plausibly say: "I haven't accepted this and am not quite sure what to do, but wanted to tell you as soon as I could."

The lie is white--I didn't quite tell him RIGHT away, but let's call it close enough.

Can I tell you how STRESSED I am about possibly leaving my current job? I just don't actually know how it's going to work. I feel like I'm screwing them. I lead the biggest team in the organization and several things that are central to our operation. And my team is short-staffed as it is. And my boss (the CEO) is way overextended.

I get that that's not my problem and that they'd do what they need to do, but still. I feel super stressed about it.

There is a backstory that suggests I shouldn't care about all of that. My boss has done some pretty damn selfish things over the course of the past four years--things he actually readily admitted to in a coincidentally-timed meeting we had last week--but I can't help but care. I love my team, and I worry that they'll put this other woman--someone who I know I would NEVER work for myself because she's a bit of a tyrant--in charge of my team when I leave. And that stresses me out.

I still feel like I just need to do this. The job would be 75% time, which would basically mean I'd be cutting my hours in half because I'm currently working 50-65 hours/week (and this would be about 30). I'd be able to work from home 100% of the time--a double-edged sword, I'm sure, but a happy challenge compared to the ridiculous schedule we're trying to juggle right now. And I just kind of hate my job these days. Not all of the time, but a good part of it.

I am going in to have a conversation with my boss tomorrow. I'm not officially quitting, but putting it out there that I'm damn close. I dread this! But am hopeful that if I can get through it, it will be for the better.

So, yeah. I need a pep talk. Desperately!