Friday, August 27, 2010

That old familiar feeling

So, here I am, 39 weeks tomorrow with a baby who, by ultrasound, is measuring 9.5lbs.

The cutoff (according to my ob) for a c-section--regardless of VBAC--is 4,500g. A week ago, he was measuring 4,300g. I currently have a c-section scheduled for September 1. On the upside, I was expecting last week's growth ultrasound to show him at greater than 4,500g. It didn't, so I bought myself another week to possibly go into labor on my own. I felt really good about that for almost a whole 24 hours.

But then, of course, the reality of the fact that I have ZERO signs of impending labor started to set it. I've had virtually no contractions, no dilation, no losing of the mucous plug, nothing. (I mean, seriously, people? I had no labor symptoms with almost 14lbs of baby in me with twins and ditto for this. It's shocking that we couldn't actually MAKE a baby on our own because apparently babies find my uterus to be a place from which they have zero desire to emerge!)

So, to be honest after the initial 24-hour "I still have a window to VBAC!" high, I'm just feeling discouraged. I've gotten my mind set on a VBAC and now that hope is slipping away from me. And there are so many emotions wrapped up in that. (Including this incredulous "are you KIDDING me?!" feeling. I mean, what are the f'ing chances?! This c-section is absolutely not VBAC related. Seriously, people??)

Anyhow. For the past two weeks I've now been obsessively googling "signs of labor," and "ways to naturally induce labor."

Ummm....does that sound familiar? Obsessively checking Dr. Google for signs and symptoms that maybe, just MAYBE this will end the way you envision?

Yeah, so frankly, this is all starting to feel WAY TOO MUCH like all of those months I spent googling "early pregnancy symptoms." And, the desperation I'm starting to feel is eerily similar to that last cycle before my first IVF. At that time, I remember the raw feelings. The: "this is IT. My LAST CHANCE to avoid such a dramatic medical intervention."

I wanted that cycle to work so badly. Just like today, I want to successfully VBAC (and avoid surgery)...so badly.

But the thing is, as of today, I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to revisit those IF feelings, that desperation. Yes, I know this is different for SO MANY reasons, but for whatever reasons, it FEELS the same. And I hate it.

So, part of me just wants to say fuck it. Much as I DO NOT want to have a c-section, I don't want to feel this way anymore.

And so...for today anyhow...I give. I'm just going to mentally prep for a c-section and be done with it. I need to start focusing on how to make that experience as much as it can be and I need to stop thinking "are-you-fucking-kidding-me-that-yet-ANOTHER-random-and-highly-unlikely-fertility-related-thing-has-happened??" Because, that thinking is negative. And, really, look how lucky I am? I have two beautiful children and I'm lucky enough to have a third on the way. I need to STOP thinking that this is supposed to look a certain way and just say that we take different paths and it's fine.

So...that's what I'm trying now...

6 comments:

Belly Laughs said...

WOW! So close. So wonderful! Focus on the positives of holding your new baby very SOON!! AMAZING!! So very lucky. Hang in there for whatever happens for the birth. Sending you lots of positive thoughts for labor asap :)

anna said...

All I can say is- I know exactly what you're feeling right now. And probably only you in your current state of desperation will you understand the feeling that made me hook up my breast pump and try to induce labor myself in the week prior to my c-section. Whatever it is infertility-wise that we have going on, we must both have it since babies never want to leave our wombs! Good luck, my dear! I can't wait to hear about the transition to being a momma of 3!

Michele said...

Hugs and sending lots of warm thoughts for your impending new arrival!

eemilla said...

Sending you positive energy for a safe and happy birth even if you have to have surgery (of course hoping you don't)!

Ms. Planner said...

I am so so sorry that your mind is revisiting those dark places right before such a happy event in your life. Thinking of you and hoping it works out the way you want it to. And, if not, I know that you will work hard to find some peace in it all.

Wow. About 36 hours until 3 kids under 3. Now THAT is something :)

megan said...

I had an ultrasound to estimate fetal weight at 37 weeks because I had gestational diabetes. At 37 weeks, they estimated my little girl was already 9lbs 4oz. They did another ultrasound at 39 + 6 and the estimate was 8lbs something. I managed to skirt an induction at 40 weeks, and began spontaneous labour that night. She was born 7lbs 7oz. The estimated weights via ultrasound are notoriously off.
Good luck with whatever happens. I hope you can still get your VBAC.
xoxo